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Jakuzi 3 Teaches You Things


Not only is Yakuza 3 the most complete Japanese simulator ever released on any system, it also teaches you several very important, extremely violent life lessons. Do you not believe me? Then you owe me 100,000 yen. Through the magic of television, I will share with you the important semi-anger management lessons I have learned from Yakuza 3.

You may notice that this edition is not held to the same standards as the previous two. I believe that it is still just as enjoyable, and the best experience you will find in my blog. I had to make some very important decisions when creating it, and I hope you will understand and enjoy it regardless. I always strive to deliver a complete product, and believe I have done so here.

So sit back, relax, and give me that 100,000 yen. I have a date tonight.

That's right, a date. I met her at the Smile Burger, which I'm told is where all the high class dudes meet their corresponding dudette. In fact, after I date one girl from the burger joint, another appears in her place, this time cuter than the last. Not to mention that these girls are somehow impressed by, of all things, my singing. All I have to do is shout at some TV screen and she melts in my pants.

At least until the next morning, when she tells me that Yakuza have abducted her mother and are going to kill off her entire family unless they get 100,000 yen (I told you, I need it). Guess who has to deal with that?

Relationships blow.

Thankfully, grace, poise, majesty and similar adjectives bare no meaning in modern Japan. Instead of civil conversations, negotiations and friendly trips to the golf course, all problems are solved directly through violence. Instead of acting like a normal, healthy individual; instead opting to act like a homicidal jackass with nothing better to do.

But that's OK, as violence solves everything in Japan. Guy make fun of your hair? Beat the crap out of him. You think my taste in women is cheap? Then taste this pole as I SHOVE YOUR FACE INTO IT. Now who's the jackass, jackass?

Apparently, everyone is the jackass. Since all of Japan solves violence with violence, plus added violence, it only makes violent sense that other violent residents would be violent too. But wait, you say, isn't it a little harsh just to take your aggression out on anyone who walks down the road? Not here! In fact, the best way to make yourself feel better is by randomly attacking the first person you see.

Oh, you need a reason?

Well...your shirt is red. And I hate red shirts. I'm going to beat the living crap out of you for wearing that red shirt, then maybe next time you'll think twice before wearing it again. Unless, of course, you give me your wallet.

So now you're in a fight, but there aren't any weapons around. Or are there? No, not really.

But wait...there's a couch over there. And a sign. And a table. Little did you know, everyday household items can be used, masterfully, as self defense items. No gun? Try using that sofa. No katana? Why not use a bench? When you think about it, a bench is pretty much the seating equivalent of a sword anyway, so it makes perfect sense!

They always say you shouldn't bring a knife to a gunfight, and they're right. You should bring a couch.

So after all this hot, sweaty, man-fighting, what does a man do to relax? If you're a real man, you play the UFO Catcher at Club SEGA. Anyone can button mash in Blurbua Fighter 62, or press one button to shoot lazor beams in that spaceship game, but it takes true skill to win a small plush cat. Or even a frog. Dawww, they're so cuuuute...erm, anyway.

Hey, I got one! Yes! It's almost there! Just a little....

...Screw this game.

As I said before, I strive to deliver a full and complete product. However, due to time constraints, this content was cut because I believed it would not fully resonate with the audience. Rest assured, this blog still has a lot to see and do, and the deleted content was not necessary to the enjoyment of the overall piece.

I believe you will still be able to understand the story and all related references, thus not subtracting from your enjoyment in any way. Thank you for your continued support of RenegadePanda; where the community always comes first.
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About RenegadePandaone of us since 9:02 PM on 09.30.2009

Oh, you say you like stupid YouTube videos?
I do that sometimes.

'Teaches You Things' Series:

Modurn Warfairz

Grand Auto Thiefman

Jakuzi 3

Who am I? Well, I am many things.

A mentor? A motivator? A free spirit?

None of those things are what I am.

What I am am is just your average guy. Living out my life in relative peace, trying to make a living in this rough and tumble world. An aspiring game designer, you might call me, I wast...erm...spend 2.5 years of my life going to school for said aspiration as well. What will come of this dream? Hell if I know.

But beyond that, I'm your typical gamer. I play a bit of everything, here and there. Anything from shooters to obscure Japanese fare is in my history, I've also been found scrolling through lines of Japanese dialogue, pretending like I can read it. Pretty fun, right?

I'm a 360 guy mainly, it serves as my main platform. I also have a PS3 and a Wii of course, along with several other consoles which I will list below because, well, I feel like it. Listing things passes the time, makes the world go round.

As I said, shooters and action games grab my attention mostly, I do dabble in RPGS (but never seem to finish them) as well as adventure games and the like. I'll play and enjoy just about anything, so long as it isn't an MMO. I have stories about that, but I'll tell you later.

Some of my favorite games of all time?

Jet Set Radio
Phantasy Star Online
Dig Dug
Phoenix Wright
Trauma Center
Taiko No Tatsujin
Metal Gear Solid
Halo Trilogy
Katamari Damacy (+ Sequels)
Time Crisis (+ Sequels)
Mass Effect
Deus Ex
Phantom Crash
Phantom Dust
Ninja Gaiden 1, 2 and 3
Super Mario
Starfox (+ 64)
Perfect Dark

There are several more, but too many to list here. I own several systems, most of which I don't find the time to play.

Xbox 360 (Modern Warfare 2)
Xbox 360 (Resident Evil 5)
Xbox 360 HD-DVD Drive
PS3 40GB
PS2 Slim
PSP (Carnival Bright Yellow)
DSi (Black)
Sega Saturn
GBC (Pokemon)
GBC (Translucent Purple)
GBA SP (Nintendo Classic)
Nintendo 64 (Black, Gold)
Nintendo 64 (Pikachu Edition)
Game Gear
Super NES
Retro Duo
Neo Geo Pocket (Camo)
Neo Geo Pocket Color (Silver)
Colecovision (+ Atari 2600 adapter)

I have a modest collection of games for most of them, I buy more every now and then when money allows, and I'm always looking for more. It's a bit of a hobby, I guess. An expensive one at that. Favorite system would have to be the Dreamcast. Why? I'll write a blog about it someday. Next to that would be my 64.

I own a Power Glove as mandated by Nerd Law.

So if you can't tell by now I'm somewhat of an addict. I usually go out of my way to own or secure unusual or rare looking video game stuff, and sometimes wind up buying things just for the sake of owning them. Why do I have a Japanese Guncon 2? I'm not sure yet.

So there you have it, that's me. I'm a pretty friendly guy, I suppose. I like tacos, anime and long walks on the beach. Just your average person, right?

I like to think so.
Xbox LIVE:Shadow of Logic
PSN ID:Snake0457


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