You'll all have to excuse me. I've been falling down for a while and I'm just at the end of my rope. I honestly don't know how much more bad shit I can take. Those of you you who know me, know it hasn't been an easy 2 yrs for me and my family. Starting with a breakup and a robbery within months of each other, it really all went downhill from there. The past 6 months in particular have just been fucking horrid and have led to a deep depression inside me. Deeper than ever before. The only reason I'm not drinking again or drugging, is my babies and support from some of my close friends. Sadly I don't have many close friends. A few of you from here and my brother irl and that's about it. My dad was probably my best friend in the world and a tremendous support, but he's been in the ground for quite awhile now. Can't really replace him either, ya know?
Back on point to what's led me here. Almost 10 months ago a very traumatic event happened to my daughter. One of those absolutely horrible, life changing, nothings ever going to be the same type of things. It fucked her up badly and spiderwebbed its way out to the rest of us as a result. This was coming off the heels of me losing my second job and led to a lot of problems in our house. Shit still isn't right and never will be. Fast forward through problems with birth mom, other shit and a host of small day to day bullshit to about 6 months ago. My hours got cut. This is coming off the heels of us moving to a safer area and nicer house. I pick up some extra work and am still able to afford bills and all the other stuff. We're going to therapy to help my daughter, I'm keeping my hands off bad stuff and things look like they'll turn around. Man who the fuck was I kidding?
Anybody ever have their kid try to commit suicide? It's about as fun as it sounds. I'd say this is where my mind began to crack. Trying to keep it together, while helping my baby and helping her find reasons to move on.... it has fucking drained me. The fact that people had done something to make her want to do that, well..... I was ready to kill. Not hyperbole either. One day there will be a reckoning with a few individuals and they sure aren't going to like me. After dealing with something like that, you have no choice but to push forward. You have to do it for your kids mainly, but yourself as well. I felt that every time I stopped to think, hatred, sadness and fury would overtake me. I felt like a selfish horrible person. My daughters going through this shit and I didn't feel I was being the best parent I could. Still don't. I've failed in a few areas, but I swear I'm doing the best I fucking can by them.
At this point in time, I'm pretty much a bottle of rage with a smile plastered on it. I'm constantly reminding myself not to kill the stupid bitch who won't hang her up her phone when ordering food, or the dumb ass shit stain who cut in line in front of me at the store. I'm just all sorts of fucked up. Daydreaming about murdering random people, knuckles white, fists clenched all the time. Holding a lot of shit in. So of course that's when the ex starts fucking with me. Parading a lovely selection of dicks of the week in front of me and the kids. Just all around loveliness ya know? Not a huge horrible thing in my case (for the kids though...), but it adds to my stress and bothers me none the less. She likes to one up herself all the time in this area too. I'm waiting to open my day one day to her just blowing 6 dudes on the doorstep while flipping me off.
Meanwhile I can't even find a decent lady or dude to date. Lonely as fuck, dealing with all this shit, not ashamed to say I wanted to get my fuck on at least. Well I did find someone to have some booty calls with once or twice and that was cool, until she flipped her shit. I guess some shit with a guy she liked or an ex, but that was gone as quick as it appeared it seemed. But hey, at least it happened. Anyway that leads us up to the past month or close to it. I'm probably forgetting a few horrible things, but it's getting hard to keep track of all the bad shit. I'm truly starting to believe I'm cursed.
So yeah, the past month. The straw that broke this camel's back. Started off innocently enough with a strained/torn ligament in my left leg, that put me out. Going to pick a prescription after that, I learned my insurance had been cut since I wasn't working the required number of hours anymore. That really sucked because I have to pay full price for everything now. Wasn't even able to pick up my script, until a lovely Dtoider gave me the money to do so. Right after that I learned I was being let go from my job due to further budget cuts (I wasn't alone either, a lot of good folks lost their jobs that day). So there I was. Last check in hand, savings exhausted. Paid my mortgage up as much as I could and my bills off until next month. Put some food in my house and gas in the car (also thanks to a lovely Dtoider who sent me $100). I of course struck out (on my gimp leg) and started applying everywhere I could. I've applied so many places the past two weeks my head is spinning. I'd be happy to flip burgers right now and then go do graves at a gas station, if it meant income. I'm on the cusp of losing my kids since I can't provide, losing my house since I can't afford it, I have emergencies left and right that have drained my once hefty savings to nothing and I'm freaking the fuck out.
So that leads up to this weekend. I'm a fucking stress case. Bummed the fuck out. Kids go to a swimming party with mom and give me a much needed break. Yay right? I lay down for a nap (haven't been sleeping well). Probably asleep for two hours when I hear someone yelling on my answering machine that my son had drowned. Fucking fly out of bed grab the phone and start screaming "What the fuck do you mean?" Apparently no one had noticed my 3yr old, didn't have a life jacket on, was around the pool (surrounded by adults, according to witnesses) and had jumped in. Some stranger pulled him out thank god. From what people and the doctors say, he was an inch away from death. His lips were blue when he came out, he was pale and unresponsive. Someone began cpr, while someone else (no one family or related to him mind you) called 911. I received my call after he had already arrived at a local hospital. Doctors told me there was no brain damage, but since he had swallowed so much water, his lungs were fucked up and he had to be admitted to pediatric ICU. An incredibly stressful 24hrs later and he was cleared though (thank you God). He's at home like nothing ever happened, running around, being the little Phil that he is (a borderline monster). I realized yesterday though, that I have a fuck ton of expensive ass medical bills coming my way now too though. Jesus Christ. Don't get me wrong at all, I'd pay any price for my babies, but I can't actually pay any of those prices right now.
I just don't know what else to do now guys. I get one step ahead of shit, then knocked fifty steps back it seems. I loaded my gun yesterday with the intention of going to rob some drug dealer I knew was a fucking joke and a bitch (but that bitch usually has at least 5k laying around), but thankfully common sense took over. My babies can't lose me now. I can't afford to go to jail, can't afford to be who I once was or do things I used to do, so any illegal activities are off the table (dealing, stealing, etc.). I have about $40 to my name at the moment, almost everything I could sell was stolen over a year ago, bills coming soon, food needed soon, more gas needed soon, more, more, fucking more. I'm being crushed under all this weight and don't know if I can continue being the man, my kids need me to be. I'm praying to find work soon. That's really all that can save my ass at this point. I'm praying like I've never prayed before and am hoping someone or something hears me and answers. I just want to work and take care of my kids. Kids I've almost lost in horrid ways now. It feels like the universe wants to rip it all away from me. As down as I get about all this (pretty down), I'm too fucking stubborn to stop. It's so fucking hard though. I really can't take another blow at this point.
Due to all this shit, I'm stepping down as a recapper. I'll churn out shitty caps until they replace me, but don't expect any fun ones anymore. I'll still be around making a dumb joke here and there, but not like I was. Probably mainly stick to the forums and the occasional comment on a blog, but I just don't have it in me anymore people. I'm broken as all fuck now.
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Captain of the Zanarkand Abes 1