As 2019 begins, I've realized my interactions with Destructoid have been limited. While I recently decided to announce my lurker status here in the community, I've decided to partially alter those plans. Over time, I've realized how much of an enigma I've been here. I'm pretty reserved in person and I don't feel the need to tell you all everything about myself. I would, however, like to improve how I conduct myself. I want to strike a balance that works me without taking you all for granted.
There are many members I don't see here any more that I miss such as Larx, Dante Kinkade, and BruceZ (a.k.a. ZombZ) among many others. I'm sure they all have their reasons, but I don't want to disappear as well (for now). I want to re-evaluate myself and what I bring to the community.
When I created my account, I just wanted to write a blog and get it front-paged. Jonathan Holmes was actually the person who convinced me to join (thanks Jonathan) when he was editor-in-chief of Destructoid. When my blog wasn't front-paged, I just decided to work on other blogs without truly interacting with the community.
After reading different comments on articles and Front Paged blogs, I decided to truly utilize my account. I remember looking up to one member in particular: OverlordZetta. I almost always agreed with Zetta's comments on the Front Page articles and I wanted to be as liked as he seemed to be. Ironically, when I finally started commenting, Zetta was transitioning out. Fortunately, at one point, he briefly returned and I got to tell him how much I appreciated him inspiring me to comment. It was a very nice 'meeting your hero' kind of moment.
From there, I had a really great time discovering the Destructoid community. I didn't really know what set this site apart from other gaming sites like IGN or Gamespot until I clicked on QTOID one day and discovered a new mysterious hidden world within Destructoid.
I was shocked by how open and friendy users were (this is the internet after all) to the point were I was relatively popular for awhile without even posting that often. It really surprised me and I started to revel in that energy and excitement in a time in my life when I was pretty lonely in person. As time passed, I seemed to lose some of that popularity for a variety of reasons:
1) I used to be on DTOID multiple days a week. After being on DTOID so much, I wanted to step back and stop using the internet as a crutch for my loneliness/mental illness which I had being doing since the late 2000s.
2) DTOID made an update to their site which kept crashing my (admittedly) dated computer so I couldn't use DTOID for a while in 2017. I really missed the community at that point despite deciding to step back.
3) My lack of humorous and frequent posts always made me feel inferior in comparison to the other members despite many members' positive comments.
I will sadly admit that, for a while, it felt like a popularity contest to see how many upvotes I could get on Qposts when my original goal was to improve my writing in blogs and get front-paged. Fortunately I have achieved my original goal (more than once even) which I seriously appreciate and I got over that popularity mentality. I also stepped back from writing blogs after completing my goal. I didn't really have any topics I adamantly wanted to write about and I noticed what seemed to be a lack of attention on community blogs at the time.
In trying to find my place somewhere in the world, I felt I needed to be funny to be accepted. Humor isn't really my strong point in comparison to other people at least, so I was deterred from posting a lot. I eventually came to a point where I felt that leaving was inevitable because I didn't know what I was bringing to DTOID any more or what I even brought in the first place. Fortunately I'm still here and I've refocused my efforts to truly be a part of the community instead of using it for whatever I wanted before.
Thank-you Salador for being the reason I decided to write this blog in the first place thanks to your Resolutions blog you wrote regarding personal issues and shortcomings. I wanted to get some thoughts off my chest about the way I've treated the community and vice versa. I haven't given you all the love and care you deserve. I want to be more supportive of everyone else and be part of the greater whole.
I didn't think I'd be writing blogs again, so I'm glad my first blog since 2017 is such a poignant one. Thanks to everyone who has cared about me and still enjoys seeing me around. I know I won't become besties with everyone, but I certainly want to connect with you all more than I have as NinjaSpped the friendly lurker.
I mean seeing my avatar in a Destructoid collague a couple years ago is the most 'I actually belong to something' heartwarming feeling I've experienced online. Thank-you all.