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Illustrated Review: Check Mii Out Channel gets my undying hate

I'll admit that I've been busy lately, so I haven't had much time to turn on my systems, but there's no denying that the Wii would probably not have been turned on anyways. The Wii has had a drought of worthwhile games that is only now getting quenched by this weeks' release of Super Mario Galaxy...which begs the question of why Nintendo timed the release of their new channel for the diminutive white box for this week. However, who am I to look a gift horse in the mouth? We should be grateful for any content that Nintendo throws us. And hey, maybe it'll be worth a laugh like our first experiences with the Mii Channel. So without further review padding, let's boot up the Check Mii Out Channel.

I apologize for the low quality of the pictures, but seeing as I have no video capture equipment and my widescreen HDTV is getting repaired, I really had no other options. Bear with me.

Check Mii Out...oh! I get it! They're replacing me with Mii! Because you use Miis in the channel! And Mii sounds like me! It's so witty! It's brilliant! HAHAHAGod I hate you, Nintendo. I hate you so much.

Alright, so this screen introduces the channel. A bit plain, but I guess it's informative.

Mii Artisan? Oh boy, it makes it sound like I'm a really skilled crafter instead of some guy with nothing better to do!

Alright, this is getting boring, let's skip past the 10 more screens of introduction.

The channel finally lets you pick out your Mii Artisan from your usual gallery of hideously malformed midgets with no ears. Notice how well they replicated the heavily detailed background from the Mii Channel, probably at great expense.

I guess I'll go with the recently updated Mii made in my glorious image, since all of my other Miis are either friends of mine or ugly dingbats.

Wait...what? So if I ever update my Mii, the channel won't know that I did it, and I'll have to reregister it? Why can't the channel work smoothly with the other official channels? Oh well, fat chance I'll ever turn on this channel aga-I mean, I'll deal with that hurdle when it comes.

Oh boy, I can sign up for a free message service from Nintendo! It's like getting updates anytime my Facebook friends do anything, except instead of friends, it's every Wii owner who goes online. While that doesn't sound like much, it's still a lot more half-witted fanboys than I care to associate with.

This is a screen of LIES. You know that Nintendo's going spam your mailbox to death before you can turn it off.

Alright, here's the main menu. It looks plain and unassuming, but behind these two options lies pure, unadulterated terror. Or...a big waste of time. It depends on what day you look. Let's examine the Posting Plaza.

What Nintendo is trying to say here: "Please don't make Miis that look like penises. Kids see this stuff. All the Wii jokes are bad enough."

So once you get through the disclaimer screens, you get to see all your favorite characters and celebrities, like the unforgettable...C.N.? Cartoon Network? Canterbury nuggets? Conscripted nanomachines? Nintendo has apparently limited the naming capacity in this channel to initials-only, and after wracking my brain, the only thing I can think of is they're hoping to avoid any copyright infringing characters, which is lame.

This is Kobe Bryant, a superstar - wait, how the hell did someone make this face? That's crazy! Who takes the time to learn the Mii creation system that intricately?

Ah, it's Kakashi-sensei from Naruto, and just like Kobe Bryant, he likes fighting. It's kinda creative how, instead of giving him ninja garb, the Mii Artisan decided to give him forehead sunglasses and a giant goatee that started consuming his face. I better call my friends to tell them how retarded this looked.

Woah, what the hell just happened? It's...like he used Shadow Clone Jutsu! Or...like a bunch of different people had the same bad idea. These people needed help, but when I pressed the button, it just brought up the same Mii controls that everyone already knows and not a premade email that instructs people to stop wasting their time with stupid 3D avatars. Instead, I left to look at what other Miis had been created by Wii owners. After seeing innumerable Darth Vaders and Michael Jacksons, one Mii caught my eye...

My god! The character design! The look in his eyes! The attention to detail! His conformity to the pervading love of fighting that every Mii exhibits! He's the perfect Mii! But...who is this mysterious "M"? Oh, if only I knew, my life would be complete! I must have it! I better import this Italian-looking fellow into my own Mii Channel!

Wait, I can name this Italian whatever I want? That would essentially make him my own personal slave. Is this legal? Hell, is this even moral? I'm not sure my conscience would allow me to procure this Italian for servitude. Oh wait, he's free; you can't pass up free indentured servitude.

Hold on, I think I know who this Mii reminds me of. Some plumber, bit of a druggie...

Eh, close enough..

I was going to leave this part of the channel when one more Mii catches my eye: U.S. Here is the crucial satire that had been missing from prior Miis. This Mii makes a statement that the current United States political climate is a total mess; up is down and hair is beard. Furthermore, we can interpret this as not just the U.S., but US. We're all screwed up in the heads and have spent far too much time with our heads in the clouds, making Miis and voting in stupid polls. It's time for a revolution! I quickly clicked the button that noted my pleasure with the Mii Artisan's brilliant social commentary. And...added him to my favorites list. I'd be coming back to this one, mark my words.

Alright, I've spent enough time in the Posting Plaza, so let's move on to the Mii Artisan Contest, of which there is currently only one: a promotion for Super Mario Galaxy in which you make Mario without his hat. Maybe it's just me, but it was really shortsighted of Nintendo to not put Mario's hat into the Mii creation system. They knew people would want to do stuff like this, and they're preventing them from doing it right. Anyways. I don't have any Miis of my own that look like Mario, so I'll click on the option that lets me make a new Mii.

Quick. Someone justify why I can import Miis to my Mii Channel in this new channel, but I can't make a new Mii without going back to the Wii Menu and opening up the Mii Channel. It doesn't make any sense and reeks of sloppy programming. Fine. Fuck you Nintendo, I'll just submit my own Mii.

The start of disclaimer screens. Bear with me.

Woah woah, what's with this legalese? Are people going to use my handsome face for nefarious purposes? And if you modify my Mii, is my Mii me?

Woah. I will be unable to retrieve my Mii? Does that mean I can't ever get it back? Will I have to make a new one on my system? Am I not allowed to do that?

You know, this whole thing seems kinda fishy. I'll take the advice of movie cliches and let the black guy sacrifice himself in my place.

Damn you Nintendo and your foreknowledge of movie-ingrained racism!

Fine, I'll just go with this annoyingly cute Mii my friend made and will probably never use again.

That was much more work than I thought it should be. Let's go be condescending to other people's entries.

...why? Sure, the contest is still going, but why can't I vote on the entries so far?

This page also holds the bitter taste of unfulfilled promises.

You know what? Fuck this, I'm done. I'm sure that more contests will be posted in the future, but if they're all this mediocre, I just don't give a damn. This whole venture has been one big waste of time. I hope that by reading this summary you can also avoid wasting your time with this debacle of a channel. Your Wii's precious memory might be better spent downloading Urban Champion and Legend of Kage for $10. Yes that's right, I'd rather pay money for two shitty NES games than boot up this channel again. From now on, my house rules will consist of a) take your shoes off, b) clean the bathroom when you're done, and c) don't turn on the Check Mii Out Channel.

And in case you're interested, my high-tech camera set-up consisted of the iSight in my MacBook Pro carefully balanced on top of this: a bass-amp and two system boxes.

On a scale of one to ten winged-unicorn-bear-knights, the Check Mii Out Channel gets:

Pros: Mii slavery, good for putting Grandma to bed
Cons: Not integrated well with other channels, not fun
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About Bob Muirone of us since 2:15 AM on 01.08.2007

Bob has been hanging around ModernMethod for years and and somehow writes almost everywhere, including Japanator and Flixist. He was once lit on fire, but it's not as cool as you'd think.

I remember being in here a lot:

R.I.P. Failcast

Rantoid - An editorial column that updates on Sunday
The Zen of Yaris
Conditions of a Review
Longevity - seven years, to be exact
Stop talking about HD-DVD
What is wrong with Japanese developers?
Are achievements beneficial?
Random topic for New Year's
Gaming changed my Christmas
Dreamcast 2 would fail
Buy more special editions
Game Length and You
Reexamining Twilight Princess
Thank you, Mr. Thompson, for being our nemesis
Do games need to be respectable?
Startgame Syndrome's dark secrets
Pre-hype is a big let-down
Why can't games have bad endings?
Why would you want a Resident Evil film to begin with?

Illustrated Review - A picture-focused analysis of gaming stuff, to save you the trouble of trying it
Fallout 3 Survival Edition (and Collector's Edition)
Fable II Limited Collector's Edition
Dead Space Ultra Limited Edition
SoulCalibur IV Premium Edition
Grand Theft Auto IV: Special Edition
Devil May Cry 4: Collector's Edition
Assassin's Creed and Mass Effect: Limited Editions
Check Mii Out Channel

Systems Owned: 3DS, Dreamcast, DS, DS Lite, DSi XL, GCN, GBA, GBA SP, GB Micro, GBC, N64, PS2, PS3, PSP, Wii, Xbox, Xbox 360

Email/Gtalk: necrosterminus [at] gmail.com
IM: NecrosTerminus
Skype: NecrosTerminus
PSN: NecrosTerminus
Steam: NecrosTerminus
Xbox Live: NecrosTerminus
360's Blog: 360Voice
Mii code:8627-3860-8282-3732


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