I was listening to Podtoid, and I noticed that I didnít have any friends.
The thought of being alone made me feel sad, and I wanted to stop that feeling.
So I decided to find a friend.
I listen to Podtoid a lot because in Podtoid, conversations happen even if I donít talk, and the conversations are funny and interesting, and it feels nice to be part of a conversation thatís funny and interesting.
Usually when I talk itís just to ask Ďwhy?í over and over again in the dark.
I got the feeling people didnít enjoy talking to me, and it was a nasty feeling, and so I stopped talking altogether. But I still have a nasty feeling from not having friends.
Having Jim and Jonathan and Conrad put their voices in my head helps, but when I rewind or turn the volume up, it ruins it and I cry and remember theyíre not there and donít love me.
So I need real friends who can give me their smiles.
I cleaned my body with the baby wipe I hang on the wall for decoration, and went outside and broke into a house. It wasnít a big one so itís fine.
I was going to make myself look nice, and go to the building in the big city that has the flashing lights and loud noises. A lot of buildings have those things, but in this one, there werenít any conveyor belts, or industrial-sized slabs of meat. This one had young people, and they looked pretty and clever and I wanted to be pretty and clever too.
Iíll go inside, and I wonít just sit down in the centre of the room with my head in my hands- Iíll stand up, even though my legs are always tired and want to be on the floor.
Iíll jump up and down and shout in time to the noises, and then Iíll grab someone and give them my best smile and then theyíll smile and if they donít smile Iíll keep smiling at them until they do.
Then weíll go home and theyíll hold my hands, and they wonít care that theyíre cold and dirty and donít have fingernails, theyíll just keep holding them because they'll want to make them warm. Theyíll talk about politics and Braid and clever things and Iíll agree with everything they say, and weíll talk until we fall asleep under the blankets I have on the floor, but I wonít fall asleep Iíll just keep looking at them.
I got very excited at the thought of having a friend.
I went into the house, though this time it was harder to get in than it usually is. I went into the room with the smelly hole, and the mirror. I tried not to look at the mirror too much because when I did that before I pretended my reflection was another person and I talked to them for hours until I was made to leave.
..and put on my very best clothes:
I looked in the mirror and liked what I saw.
I was ready to go and find a friend now.
But Then I Looked Closer.
I didnít start talking to myself like I did before. I stayed silent.
I took a step closer to the mirror.
And then I walked back to my house
went under my blankets,
and listened to my friends on Podtoid.