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Review: Gears of War 3!!!* (*Lancer Avatar Prop)


[Please note that this is NOT an official Destructoid review. Please also note that if you actually thought this was an official Destructoid review, you're an idiot.]

The release of Gears of War 3 is nearly upon us! In just six short days, we Gearheads will be ripping the plastic off our cases faster than Leatherface peels the skin from his victims, anxious to see how realistic Dom's beard will look in the newly-updated Unreal Engine 3.

But what about those of us who simply cannot wait any longer? With the beta a distant memory, what will we do to curb our appetites until next Tuesday?

Why, play with our avatars, of course!

Gears of War 3 Lancer Avatar Prop (Xbox 360)
Developer: Epic Games
Publisher: Microsoft Game Studios
Release date: May 29, 2011
Price: 240 Microsoft Points ($3)

At first glance, the Gears of War 3 Lancer Avatar Prop (henceforth GEARSLAP) may not seem like much. It is, after all, just an avatar prop; you won't even see it half the time. And then when you do see it, you'll no doubt be embarassed by just how idiotic your avatar looks wielding the damn thing.

You'll blush as it's swung back and forth like a large, motorized cake-cutting knife, and the jackass faces your avatar makes while you stare on, glass-eyed, are better suited to a fairy's wand prop than something as meaty as the GEARSLAP. (Likewise, this reviewer in particular was quite disappointed that, try as he might, he was completely unable to chainsaw his friends' avatars into bloody gibs of cartoon flesh. What a rip!)

But after spending a few seconds taking pictures of this bad boy, I came to realize something quite profound. Not only is GEARSLAP the single greatest avatar prop on Xbox LIVE, it may turn out to be even better than the game itself!

"What's this? Blasphemy!" you ask and exclaim. "How dare you sully the name of Cliffy B with such rubbish!"

Though your alarm is understandable, I implore you to continue reading. For as you'll soon discover, I am not disrespecting Cliffy B -- not now, not ever!

In fact, to do so would be absurd.

You see, ladies and gentlemen, I am Cliffy B.


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About M Randyone of us since 11:59 PM on 06.02.2009

Former Community Manager. Current idiot.

Art by Mikey Turvey.