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Please don't tone down Shadow Warrior


"Those real tits?"

Yesterday it was revealed that Hard Reset developer Flying Wild Hog is hard at work on a reboot of the 1997 3D Realms classic Shadow Warrior, and I could barely contain my enthusiasm. Seriously, just look at this comment I left on the news story; I did that annoying fucking thing where you spell out the word "love" with periods between the letters to drive home the point. I became that guy.

But it's not my fault. I spent way more time playing with Lo's Wang than I ever did Duke's Nukem, and the prospect of getting to step back into those blood-soaked sandals once again is one I am indescribably excited by. Unlike fellow Dtoid editor Allistair Pinsof, however, the idea of a "toned-down" Shadow Warrior is one I just can't get behind. In fact, it sounds fucking lame.

Without Lo Wang's offensive personality, juvenile and crude sense of humor, obsession with girls on the shitter, and awful, awful one-linersShadow Warrior would have simply been another shooter. Sure, the weapons were fun and the enemies exploded into lovely giblets, but we already have plenty of that in today's market. I can already slice a motherfucker in half while screaming at the top of my lungs in a videogame; I don't want *just* ninja swords and violence. I want anime girls s(h)itting on the toilet and shooting me with an uzi when I tease them about the smell. I want Lara Croft hanging in a prison cell after "raiding her last tomb". I want to watch rabbits fuck and make jokes about it. I want more wang jokes, god dammit.

These are the things that made Shadow Warrior Shadow Warrior. There are more dull, same-y shooters available to play right now than at any other time I can remember, and this industry needs a little Wang inside it to shake things up.

Please, please don't tone down Shadow Warrior. If you do, it won't be Shadow Warrior.
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About mrandydixonone of us since 11:59 PM on 06.02.2009

I used to be Destructoid's community manager! Now I'm just some idiot in a pink bathrobe.

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