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Country Dance? More like Farty Pants, am I right? Iím not right, am I?

While browsing all of the fine, beautifully executed articles on Destructoid, I came to a horrifying revelation. No one, not one single person, had bothered to submit a review for the sublime, and truly artistic experience that we in the know refer to as ďCountry Dance Wii.Ē For shame, Destructoidetersess. With all of the endless debates as to whether video games as a medium can be counted as art, how could we all have let this gem slip through the cracks? No more, I say. Now is the time to rise up, and gyrate to the dulcet tones of Miley Fucking (Iím pretty sure thatís really her middle name) Cyrus as she attempts to mix bad hip hop with shitty country music. Now is the time to celebrate the smug stupidity of Gretchen Wilsonís ďRedneck WomanĒ as you waive your arm back, and forth, hopefully not catching your wiimote in your wife beater as you do it. Now is the time to review Country Dance Wii.

Letís start with the controls. There are none. Isnít that great? A truly artistic experience needs to be universal, and what is more universal than waiving your arm around like youíre having a seizure? Nothing. Thatís what. My nine year old, spastic daughter picked this game up, and was receiving high scores within seconds. Did she understand the deeper, cultural impact that was in play as she did this? Probably not. But neither did I, so who gives a shit? Yes, folks. It really is that easy. Whether youíre a stripper with Downís Syndrome, or an eighty year old heroin addict, you will most certainly enjoy the control scheme for this rare glimpse into the future of video games.

But Mat, you say. You did say that. You saw my name, and you said it, so put your hand down, shut your fucking mouth, and keep reading. But Mat, you say, what makes this game art over such titles as Farmville, or Barbie Horse Adventures? Nothing. Those games are fucking awesome, too. But as all of you hipsters out there know, itís the ability to confuse, and distract that makes art ďimportant.Ē And my god, is this game important. From the very beginning, the creators decide to test your ability to not punch them in their smarmy, money grubbing faces by putting two separate images that you need to pay close attention to on the screen. The first, is a large silhouette of either a man, or a woman (it changes often so you have a fifty/fifty chance of watching dancing that may excite you sexually) that performs the dance moves you are supposed to mimic. But underneath this, inexplicably, are small silhouettes that do nothing but stand still with their arms in different positions as they scroll across the screen. Which are you supposed to mimic? Why the fuck is this happening? No one knows. Itís like Donnie Darko that way, and we all know what a masterful piece of art that was. Of course, itís all misdirection. None of it matters, because the only way to actually do well in the game is to waive your arms about like a Republican Senator has cornered you in an airport bathroom. Therein lies the true artfulness of the game. It is there that we find the treasure.

Now, lets talk about the publisher. Game Mill Entertainment. Great place to work, I hear. I guess they used to be a puppy mill, but that wasnít unethical enough for them, so they got into game publishing. They decided to incorporate both of these exciting worlds in 2009 when they became the sole publisher of the critically acclaimed Zhu Zhu Pets series of games. I know we all have fond childhood memories of playing ďZhu Zhu Pets: Escape From Donkey Punch Island,Ē but Iíve always felt that a publisherís games must be looked at individually, and not taken on the merits of their other releases, no matter how amazing they might be. Itís a good thing that this game lives up to that legacy, and then some.


10/10 This game gets a perfect score because my girlfriendís breasts jiggle when she plays it. Art, man. Art.
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About Mathew Bellone of us since 2:29 PM on 08.09.2012