Hi all. I know you guys just missed me so terribly much. (jk) I have decided to make my return into the blogging world. I have had a lot on my mind lately and thought this to be the best way to get it all out there and kind of sort through it. So you really need not pay mind to me.
As most of you know Juice and I are expecting our first little one in October. With all the love and excitement that comes with being pregnant also comes with a lot, and I mean A LOT, of extra hormones. Hormones that I am not used to. I have been so emotional and upset over the stupidest things. I have also noticed that my, usually seasonal, depression has hit me very hard right now. Nothing seems to really be exciting or fun. I am just existing. Which is why Juice suggested writing everything out and maybe a spark will come out of it.
Let's start with work. Work has really been bringing me down. My boss is a total c**t. She doesn't appreciate anything that I have done. But the store manager thinks she can do NO wrong. I feel like I am constantly being put down and made to feel less about what I do and how I do it. She found out that I was leaving and said it was a dream come true. How fucking unprofessional can you get? BUT I know I need my job, I need to make money. I need this job to help support for this baby. I know that, which is why I still go everyday.....but it is very mentally exhausting. I feel utterly drained everyday. Most days I just want to come home and cry. The only good days I have are the ones that I know my boss won't be at work. The only light at the end of the tunnel is I know we will be moving soon and then I won't have to deal with her at all. Unfortunately we won't be moving until we sell our house, so until then I must keep gong to work and keep trying to put on a brave face.
Soooo with having a pretty tough but do-able work situation, I decided to start reading again, to have something to look forward to. But unfortunately with being hormonal and my depression hitting so hard, reading, my go to hobby, has left me unsastified and upset. I feel very unmotivated to read. Even re-reading books that I have loved in the past seems like such a chore. I don't know how to break this or feel motivation again. I want to read again, with the same vigor that I have had in the past but I feel like I have hit a brick wall......and just typing that out really breaks my heart. How can such an avid reader, such as myself, even say a thing like that? How can someone who would read anything and everything just to have a new world to explore, say that I have hit a brick wall? How do I break this wall? How can I get my books back?
Even playing video games have taken a hit. I used to play pretty regularly, take screenshots and post them on my social media sites. I beat BOTW. I REPEAT: I BEAT BOTW. I have never before played and beat through a Zelda game before in my life. I beat HZD. My first open world game, for me to ever beat. I beat and replayed Pokemon Sun and Moon many times. But now.....Juice keeps asking me if I wanna play a game...I just shrug. Nothing is really hooking me. I know it is my depression causing me to feel like this.....I know I will feel better....but I miss the simple joy of playing a game and getting lost in the world. Finding the little secrets that the developers left for us to find. Unfortunately for the time being, the thought of playing a video game just seems unexciting and just meh. I want my lust for games back. I want to enjoy Mario Kart with my husband again.
All in all......I want to feel like me again.
Thanks for all to read through my random sob story. It felt good to let my thoughts out. Hopefully I will feel more like myself soon.