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LONG BLOG

Fake Game Reviews: Valkyrie Drive Bhikkuni

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[A while back, I decided to review a game I've never actually played for fun. It seemed like a waste to let it rot in a Qpost, so I'm converting it to a blog. Enjoy!]

The VD license must have been a match made in heaven for the Senran Kagura devs. Instead of lewd ninjas, we have underclothed lesbians who get turned into weaponry... by getting turned on. Now there's a premise and a half.

That's the long and short of it, and the plot doesn't do anything to strive from this trashy nature. It's rather comedic, but that doesn't stop the pantyshots and the absurd disrobing from being creepy in my eyes. And even if that wasn't the case, the characters do very little to appear more than shallow collections of tropes.

Par for the course for Senran Kagura, but they could have taken the time to experiment a little here. At least the blond girl Ayami manages to save any scene she's in due to her complete and utter disrespect for anyone stupid, which is most of the characters. She was basically my spirit animal during the drawn out endgame. The stockings of her alternate costume helped too. Just a little bit.

The game would have benefitted from a smaller cast and a proper three structure plot, instead of the random scenes we get. The villain in particular is a dissapointment. Instead of being imposing and awesome, or inciting hatred, she just sits around and shouts at her underlings in scenes that are way too long. Less filler talk about nipple size and curry would have been nice too, since whatever joke there is soon gets run to the ground.

In gameplay, Bhikkuni is a spin on Senran Kagura, which in itself is a spin on Dynasty Warriors. Due to the game's origin on Vita, the amount of enemies onscreen isn't that high. I think this does the game a favour, as the giant battlefields in Dynasty Warrriors never really worked for me.

The game focuses more on chaining moves and air-juggling, with the odd boss every now and then. It's not up to the standards of a character action fan such as myself, but it's servicable. At first.

There is effort put in to make the girls unique from eachother, but they all have the same core abilities. It gets bothersome when you have to level up new characters just to unlock moves you already have with someone else. Same thing goes for the lesbian weapon fusion, as you can mix and match characters to your liking, but if you find a favorite, every character has to socialize with that girl and they recycle gags something fierce. 

The story isn't the only thing that is padded, as there is a severe lack of modes and maps. It feels like they padded 3 hours worth of content to 15. You'll see the same damn shrine and slice up the same three configurations of minibosses more than is healthy. They are varied at the very least, but the game would be better off with a few more.

And even when you get to a proper boss, the shaky mechanics often fail. Some bosses can be cheesed from range, some have next to no cooldown between attacks and some are actually really cool (frikkin' boob lasers!) to fight. It's a mixed bag and is representative of the game as a whole.

In the end, there are better venues for both lewd stuff and action gameplay. Unless one of the girls have already stolen your heart, I'd say skip this game and keep a lookout for any improvements a sequel might bring.

[So, people of the world who've played this game, how legit did this review seem? I'm quite curious and I implore everyone to try and write fake reviews of their own. It's a fun exercise!]

- Welcome to my world, Enjoy your stay, But always remember, There is no return.


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About Kerrik52one of us since 3:12 AM on 02.28.2016

Greetings, one and all. I'm known as Kerrik52 around these parts and I think I'm pretty swell, for a Swedish dude.

I love all games, except the bad ones. I play games when possible, thinking I'll eventually break into heaven. I'm currently studying computer science.

I have written some blogs here exploring old games by From Software with more to come later. Not to mention my salty bitch series on the Souls-games.

I also have a little Youtube channel bearing my name that mostly contains videos related to my blogs.

I some games I love are:

Dark Souls
God Hand
Resident Evil 4
Tales of Eternia
Kingdom Hearts
Jak & Daxter
King's Field
Devil May Cry
Legacy of Kain
Shadow Hearts
Spyro
Ys
Shin Megami Tensei
Resistance
Patapon
Legend of Heroes
Yakuza
Locoroco
Ape Escape

I have a very low standard for movies, but I have some favorites. These include:

Coraline
Tintin
The Secret Life of Walter Witty
Pooh's Grand Adventure
Scott Pilgrim VS the World

The last TV shows I watched were House, Mythbusters and Fringe.

Anime on the other hand, is something I watch often. I like:

Symphogear
Jojo
Gonna Be the Twintail
Nichijou
WIXOSS
Black Rock Shooter
Nobunagun
Airmaster
Fist of the Northstar

I don't read very much anymore, but I like Asimov and Lovecraft.

Music-wise I'm an apostle of Dio and the German power metal scene. Other favorites include:

Gamma Ray
Iron Savior
Freedom Call
Dreamtale
Axel Rudi Pell
Edguy
Avantasia

Go ahead and share a piece of your world with me and I'll pay back in kind. Don't be deterred if I answer you in a wall of text though. I despise unfulfilling writing and will do all it takes to make my points.