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LONG BLOG

Pig Fucking: My non-obvious, non-leaked E3 predictions

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Sure, E3 might technically start tomorrow, but that isn't going to stop me from putting my predictions out there, just so I can scream I WAS RIGHT! Over and over. I'm going to skip all the obvious / leaked / predicted things and go right for the meat.

  • Konami will announce a direct sequel to Castlevania: Symphony of the Night to compete with Bloodstained. It will release around the same time, if not on the same day as the Kickstarted IGAvania.
  • Shenmue 3 will be missing from the show.
  • The Last Guardian will have another uninspired trailer and no hands-on time.
  • A new trailer for Metroid Prime: Federation Force will be shown, and it will be glorious. Petulant gamers will downvote the trailer as if that does anything.
  • Crash Bandicoot and Parapper The Rapper still don't come back. 
  • Rare's Sea of Thieves will continue to look uninspired
  • Most of Sony's conference will be pushing PSVR, much to fan's dismay. 
  • Capcom will show off the RE2 remaster, and a teaser trailer for RE7. An early demo for RE7 will be included with the game.
  • Crackdown 3 will come with a demo or beta of the next Halo game.
  • Pikmin 4 (which has been near completion since November) will be shown for the Wii U (if not it has been pushed to NX)
  • First-party Xbox One games will include cross-buy for PC, including some already released like Halo 5
  • The new Zelda will have shitty crafting, but you'll be able to be a lady.
  • I'll spend most of my time at the porn booth with my FBI shirt on (Female body inspector)
  • Danny DeVito will open Nintendo's direct wearing only body paint, prosthetic ears / tail, and a detective hat.
  • The Vita will have no first party games
  • A majority of the games announced will have white people with guns, because originality is nearly dead and also 'Merica.
  • At least three trailers for JRPGs will enrage people who get really upset about minor costume changes that involve not seeing tweens underwear.
  • Emojis and or dank memes will be involved in at least one game conference
  • PC Gaming conference will end up doing a 180 and being the best god damned conference there is, all the journalists in the audience will get early copies of Half-Life 3 directly from Gabe Newell himself.
  • Blink-182 will break up after a fight breaks out between the members over which Elder Scrolls is best, Tom thinks it is Morrowind and he is objectively wrong.
  • Randy Pitchford does some magic
  • Multiple YouTubers will take part in presentations to help show off games to the very people they are quickly replacing (Games journalists)
  • Kanye West will once again make Geoff Keighley his personal guide
  • The Microsoft "one last thing" stinger will be so shockingly unwanted the hashtag #ShrugBoxOne will trend on Twitter
  • Square Enix will announce the voice cast for Final Fantasy VII's remake, and it is all Happy Gilmore production actors.
  • The man wearing Emil's head will be back, and this time he will be fucking a pig on stage with the words "Donald Drumpf" painted on it's side, because Square Enix has no idea what it is doing.
  • In the year 2026 Kingdom Hearts 3 finally releases after going through massive changes since Disney closed down. Every character has now been replaced with Dreamworks Minions and Ubisofts Rabbids

So what do you think about my predictions? Nailed it?

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About Jed Whitakerone of us since 10:32 PM on 07.24.2010

Xbox LIVE:Jed05
PSN ID:DimmuJed
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