SOURCE: Pokémon Shuffle part of new vitality initiative

So there’s been a kerfuffle over Pokémon Shuffle’s game mechanics. To get some answers, I reached out to my best friend’s uncle who TOTALLY works at Nintendo.

 Q: So was the waiting/microtransactions a conscious decision by Nintendo?

A: Oh absolutely. I’m sure everyone remembers all the buzz we were getting after announcing the vitality sensor, but our research told us we needed to go farther if we wanted our consumer base to stay active. We started with the health warning pamphlets inside the game box, but who has time to read the freakin manual AMIRITE? Next we tried the throwing up the warnings in the game, remind everyone to take breaks after a few hours, etc. but our games were just too good to put down. Finally, we realized we had to be more proactive; we needed to cut gamers off ourselves. You will take a break when we say so! Sure, you could pay to get around those roadblocks, but in our view, we’re saving you from wasting that money on a Paunch Burger Dinner for Breakfast combo you gamers love so much.

 Q: So what’s the next phase of the project?

A: It’s already happened! Just look how we’re handling Amiibos. Once we figured out how much people wanted these things, that’s when we created this whole scavenger hunt culture around them. “Oh you want the limited edition K.K. Slider, well get up and get out there!”

 Q: Couldn’t someone just preorder?

A: BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

 /ten minutes pass

…HA HA hah huh… Excuse me, I need to catch my breath. I mean yes, you “could” preorder but you have as much chance of getting one as we do of going out of business.

 Q: So what else does the future hold?

A: I can’t get into specifics now, but we’ve got big plans for the New 3DS XLi Esq.

 Q: Well, I want to thank you for your time today.

A: Oh sure, anytime.

 There you have it, straight from the inside.

LOOK WHO CAME:

Isay Isay   

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