Haxan blog header photo
Haxan's c-blog

Parallax Scroll

Fronts 1Posts 0Blogs 57Following 0Followers 38



Bad Die Job: A Darious Pickman Story (Part 5 of 5)

*This is the fifth and final part of my entry in Conrad Zimmerman's Dreamcast Giveaway Contest (link here). **UPDATE: I won!** Previous entries can be found here: Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4. Enjoy.*

"Can't we talk about this like civilized people?" I asked, dropping the gun to my side and raising my hands.

"What is there to talk about?" she said.

"Well, for starters... This is your plan?" I asked sarcastically. "Which one of you two genius' came up with this one? It really doesn't make a lick of sense. You kill me. Great! But what do you two do then? It doesn't explain how you magically disappear. How do you hide from Mario after this? How stupid do you think he is?"

Bowser growled. "We don't hide from him." He went into the hall and returned with the little man bound up in rope with his mouth taped shut. We're going to kill you both. The law will find you two having shot each other. And this will satisfy the rest of the mob. They will be too busy fighting over who will succeed him to notice that we've just disappeared. Meanwhile, we'll sell this trinket to fund the rest of our future together."

"So, this is what this has all been about?" I turned my head to the girl. "You fell in love with the boss' right hand man, and now you're just looking for a way to make off together? You pulled me in just to make me a patsy. And a dead patsy at that." I'm not sure if I was more shocked by the stupidity of the plan or the fact that it was probably going to work.

"Well," she told me, "It's time."

Time was moving at a snail's pace. I could feel the barrel of the gun against the back of my head. If I was going to do something it needed to be right now.

"The Doorman!" I shouted. "He must've seen you come in. He's a witness to all of this."

"Oh, we took care of him. Paid him off well. As far as he's concerned, he never saw us," she explained. "You think that you're just so clever. But you're not getting out of...." I took that moment to duck out of the way and push her to the ground. Bowser immediately dropped Mario and started to charge across the room towards me. I ripped the gun from the girl's hand, spun around and shot at the giant dragon. He stopped charging. But he didn't fall. I shot again. And again. He was hurt, but it only slowed him down. I shot six more slugs into his body. On the ground behind me, the girl screamed. In front of me, the beast toppled forward. He was dead by the time he hit the ground.

"You bastard," she hissed at me, tears welling up in her eyes. I turned to face her and found that she had my revolver that I had dropped on the floor. And it was pointed straight at me. Before I could react she fired. Hot pain exploded in my shoulder as I returned fire. We both fell down to the ground. Out of the corner of my eye, I could see Bowser's body. Laying next to him was that damn magic star necklace.

Before I faded from consciousness I looked over at Peach's lifeless body next to me. Dames like her think that they always get what they want. But, it's only most of the time that they are right.
Login to vote this up!



Please login (or) make a quick account (free)
to view and post comments.

 Login with Twitter

 Login with Dtoid

Three day old threads are only visible to verified humans - this helps our small community management team stay on top of spam

Sorry for the extra step!


About Haxanone of us since 11:13 AM on 10.23.2007

Occasional contributer to Tomopop.com.

Random gaming facts about Haxan

Legitimately beat Mike Tyson and went through Another World Circuit undefeated.

Beat the original Contra without dying. Twice.

Can land the damn plane in Top Gun and can also refuel in midair.

Can't beat Ghost & Goblins without the level select code and has never lied about it.

Thinks Friday the 13th is a great game even if the physics, controls and weapons are garbage.

Mario Paint caused him to buy a Super Nintendo and largely leave his Sega Genesis behind. He has played it more than most video games and wore down the mouse pad so that the grid only shows around the corners.

Has beaten Street Fighter II: The World Warrior and Super Street Fighter II: The New Challengers on the SNES on the hardest difficulty without losing a single round. Multiple times.

Is still friends with the girl who worked at a local game store and sold him Street Fighter II nearly 17 years ago.

Beat Final Fantasy 2 in a weekend when he was a kid, yet can't get through a role-playing game these days if his life depended on it.

Has never beaten Final Fantasy VII.

Prefers pads to sticks.

Likes the N64 controller.

Prefers the Duke to the S-controller.

Doesn't think that Super Mario 64 is all that great.

Got an Xbox mostly for Buffy: The Vampire Slayer. And thinks it's a damn good game. Really.

Swore he would never buy a Game Boy Advanced SP, but immediately broke down once the NES edition came out. (And regarding the NES Classics series, true in-store dialogue: "Dude, are you serious?! They seriously expect people to pay 20 dollars a piece for games they can just downlo...Ooh! Zelda!")

Really liked the first Halo. (Well, there goes my dtoid cred.)

Can rock out Dynamite Rave in Dance Dance Revolution like it's nobody's business.

Played the hell out of Animal Crossing: Wild World and hid that fact from nobody.

Stomped Brad Nicholson at Street Fighter IV, but had to resort to the cheapest of tactics in order to do so. ;)

Thinks you're really, really, really smart. And pretty.

Top ten favorite games (in no particular order):

•The Legend of Zelda (NES)
•Mike Tyson's Punch-Out (NES)
•The Legend of Zelda: Majora's Mask (N64)
•Phantom 2040 (SNES)
•Street Fighter II (any version)
•Metal Gear Solid 3: Subsistence (PS2)
•Final Fantasy 3/6 (SNES)
•Ico (PS2)
•Sin and Punishment (N64)
•Picross (DS)


I love drawing, though I realize that I'm not very good. I figured early on that drawing my own header art would help my blogs stand out. Thanks to Destructoid, and to the scanner that Carollelogram got me for my birthday last year, I feel like I've developed a unique style that's distinctly my own.

Outside of games I've got a DVD collection that is exploding out of a 5'x6' shelf (over 400 titles). So suffice it to say that I love movies. I'm a huge horror fan and I host an annual Dusk Till Dawn Horror Movie Marathon nearly every October. My top ten favorite films in order are as follows:

1. The Good, the Bad and the Ugly (Il Buono, il Brutto, il Cativo, 1966)
2. Night of the Living Dead (1968)
3. Seven Samurai (Shichinin no Samurai, 1954)
4. The City of Lost Children (La Citι des enfants perdus, 1995)
5. The Apartment (1960)
6. Strings (2004)
7. Heavenly Creatures (1994)
8. The Big Lebowski (1998)
9. Batman: Mask of the Phantasm (1993)
10. Kiss Kiss Bang Bang (2005)

Music-wise, my top 3 bands are The Pixies, The Velvet Underground and Radiohead. I listen to damn near every genre of music (except modern country. I yearn for the days of Hank Williams, Sr. and Tammy Wynette). Hit random on my mp3 player and you'll get everything from darkwave to hip hop to 80's synthpop. I karaoke pretty regularly. I can't sing, but I surround myself with people who can. Still, you've not experienced all there is in life until you've seen me proper butcher True by Spandau Ballet.

Then, as for the literary interests, my love lies with pulp detective novels of the thirties and forties. Raymond Chandler is simply the greatest ever. And Dashiell Hammett is just fantastic. Lately, I've been reading through Frank Herbert's Dune Chronicles at Carollelogram's recommendation. Two books in and I have to say they're astonishing.

If you do the Twitter thing, Haxan1 is my handle should you want to follow me.

Feel free to friend me to your console of choice should you ever want to play a game of Street Fighter. Just be sure to let me know that you're from Destructoid and you'll get the royal treatment.

Blogs I writed:

•Virtual Console Review- The Legend of Zelda: Majora's Mask
•Review- Dead Rising: Chop Till You Drop

Front Page
•Other Worlds Than These: The citizens of the land of Termina
•Community spotlight: Haxan goes above and beyond for the community

Monthly Musings
•Instant Replay: Street Fighter II
•The Start of the Affair: Solomon's Key

Editorials and assorted articles
•Does the Wii have RROD-type issues of its own?
•Okay, Nintendo. I guess that we can be friends again.
•Niero, do you have any idea what in the lobster milkshake you have done?! (dtoid 3rd anniversary post)
•10 things you might not have known about Haxan (but really only 8)
•Why Destructoid is awesome: Nilcam is the greatest edition (I honestly can't give Nilcam enough props for this.)
•Christmas shopping: Non-gaming, priest dad-style
•Bad Dye Job: A Darius Pickman Story
•"Congraturation" RetroforceGO!
•Nintendon't what?! Now you tell me just what the %#@$ Nintendon't do!

Neat stuff I played a bit part in
•The Destructoid children's alphabet book


Xbox LIVE:haxan1
PSN ID:Haxan
Mii code:8490 3559 2301 7665


Around the Community