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Bad Die Job: A Darious Pickman Story (Part 4 of 5)

*This is part four of my entry in Conrad Zimmerman's Dreamcast Giveaway Contest (link here). **UPDATE: I won!** Tomorrow night I will release the final chapter. Previous entries can be found here: Part 1, Part 2, Part 3. Enjoy.*

I was half an hour late for my appointment with Peach by the time I got myself cleaned up and back to the office. She wasn't there, nor had the doorman seen her. This was not what I needed. I only had one day to sort this entire situation out, otherwise I was going to be reptile food. I tried calling her, but got no answer. And not knowing where she was staying, I had no way to find her.

I slumped down into the chair at my desk and tried to consider my options. Consider them without severely panicking. I was screwed and I knew it. Maybe it would be best to leave town. But beyond all of this, why would this woman send me after a mob boss looking for an item that she herself had stolen? None of this made any sense. But none of it mattered, because for answers I needed her. And she had vanished into thin air like a Boo.

That problem were solved a half an hour later. I was four fingers deep into the bottle of Rye that I keep in my desk, when she appeared at my door.

"Fancy seeing you here," I said.

"I know how you liked to sleep in, so I took care of a few things before coming over," she smiled coyly.

"What things?" I asked.

"Nothing important." She kept that same coy smile plastered to her face.

"I think that you've got some explaining to do. I've met with Mario. Your story doesn't check out"

I pulled a revolver out of my desk drawer and pocketed it without her noticing. Then I got up and walked over to her. She immediately turned on the wetworks. "Oh, Darious," she sobbed. "I'm in over my head." She grabbed me and buried her head into my chest. "The truth is that I don't have the necklace. When I left him he accused me of stealing it from him. But I swear that I never took it. I'm sure that he made the whole thing up so that he could continue to have power over me. I only wanted you to get it from him so that I could prove he still has it. Then I could Finally get him off of my back forever."

I pushed her away. "You know, not a bit of this makes any sense whatsoever. And I have no reason to believe you even if it did," I growled at her. "You need to cut the act and get straight with me. Any time around right now would be good for me"

Just then, the door to my office burst open and standing there was Bowser. He managed to squeeze himself through the doorframe, then started grinning coldly. He put his hand into his pocket and came out with the Magic Star necklace. "Looking for this?" he asked. He started spinning the chain around his finger. "Yeah, I took it. Stole it right out from the boss' nose. And I've got the two of you here." His voice sounded like the cancer of a thousand chain-smokers. "And I'll have the girl."

I yanked out my gun and pointed it at him. "Like hell you will." Bowser froze. His mouth hung open in shock for a second before slowly turning into a wide smile. I heard the cocking of a gun behind me. Peach had a gun pointed right at me. A .50 caliber Fire Flower. She had me dead to rights.

Part 5
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About Haxanone of us since 11:13 AM on 10.23.2007

Occasional contributer to Tomopop.com.

Random gaming facts about Haxan

Legitimately beat Mike Tyson and went through Another World Circuit undefeated.

Beat the original Contra without dying. Twice.

Can land the damn plane in Top Gun and can also refuel in midair.

Can't beat Ghost & Goblins without the level select code and has never lied about it.

Thinks Friday the 13th is a great game even if the physics, controls and weapons are garbage.

Mario Paint caused him to buy a Super Nintendo and largely leave his Sega Genesis behind. He has played it more than most video games and wore down the mouse pad so that the grid only shows around the corners.

Has beaten Street Fighter II: The World Warrior and Super Street Fighter II: The New Challengers on the SNES on the hardest difficulty without losing a single round. Multiple times.

Is still friends with the girl who worked at a local game store and sold him Street Fighter II nearly 17 years ago.

Beat Final Fantasy 2 in a weekend when he was a kid, yet can't get through a role-playing game these days if his life depended on it.

Has never beaten Final Fantasy VII.

Prefers pads to sticks.

Likes the N64 controller.

Prefers the Duke to the S-controller.

Doesn't think that Super Mario 64 is all that great.

Got an Xbox mostly for Buffy: The Vampire Slayer. And thinks it's a damn good game. Really.

Swore he would never buy a Game Boy Advanced SP, but immediately broke down once the NES edition came out. (And regarding the NES Classics series, true in-store dialogue: "Dude, are you serious?! They seriously expect people to pay 20 dollars a piece for games they can just downlo...Ooh! Zelda!")

Really liked the first Halo. (Well, there goes my dtoid cred.)

Can rock out Dynamite Rave in Dance Dance Revolution like it's nobody's business.

Played the hell out of Animal Crossing: Wild World and hid that fact from nobody.

Stomped Brad Nicholson at Street Fighter IV, but had to resort to the cheapest of tactics in order to do so. ;)

Thinks you're really, really, really smart. And pretty.

Top ten favorite games (in no particular order):

The Legend of Zelda (NES)
Mike Tyson's Punch-Out (NES)
The Legend of Zelda: Majora's Mask (N64)
Phantom 2040 (SNES)
Street Fighter II (any version)
Metal Gear Solid 3: Subsistence (PS2)
Final Fantasy 3/6 (SNES)
Ico (PS2)
Sin and Punishment (N64)
Picross (DS)


I love drawing, though I realize that I'm not very good. I figured early on that drawing my own header art would help my blogs stand out. Thanks to Destructoid, and to the scanner that Carollelogram got me for my birthday last year, I feel like I've developed a unique style that's distinctly my own.

Outside of games I've got a DVD collection that is exploding out of a 5'x6' shelf (over 400 titles). So suffice it to say that I love movies. I'm a huge horror fan and I host an annual Dusk Till Dawn Horror Movie Marathon nearly every October. My top ten favorite films in order are as follows:

1. The Good, the Bad and the Ugly (Il Buono, il Brutto, il Cativo, 1966)
2. Night of the Living Dead (1968)
3. Seven Samurai (Shichinin no Samurai, 1954)
4. The City of Lost Children (La Cit� des enfants perdus, 1995)
5. The Apartment (1960)
6. Strings (2004)
7. Heavenly Creatures (1994)
8. The Big Lebowski (1998)
9. Batman: Mask of the Phantasm (1993)
10. Kiss Kiss Bang Bang (2005)

Music-wise, my top 3 bands are The Pixies, The Velvet Underground and Radiohead. I listen to damn near every genre of music (except modern country. I yearn for the days of Hank Williams, Sr. and Tammy Wynette). Hit random on my mp3 player and you'll get everything from darkwave to hip hop to 80's synthpop. I karaoke pretty regularly. I can't sing, but I surround myself with people who can. Still, you've not experienced all there is in life until you've seen me proper butcher True by Spandau Ballet.

Then, as for the literary interests, my love lies with pulp detective novels of the thirties and forties. Raymond Chandler is simply the greatest ever. And Dashiell Hammett is just fantastic. Lately, I've been reading through Frank Herbert's Dune Chronicles at Carollelogram's recommendation. Two books in and I have to say they're astonishing.

If you do the Twitter thing, Haxan1 is my handle should you want to follow me.

Feel free to friend me to your console of choice should you ever want to play a game of Street Fighter. Just be sure to let me know that you're from Destructoid and you'll get the royal treatment.

Blogs I writed:

Virtual Console Review- The Legend of Zelda: Majora's Mask
Review- Dead Rising: Chop Till You Drop

Front Page
Other Worlds Than These: The citizens of the land of Termina
Community spotlight: Haxan goes above and beyond for the community

Monthly Musings
Instant Replay: Street Fighter II
The Start of the Affair: Solomon's Key

Editorials and assorted articles
Does the Wii have RROD-type issues of its own?
Okay, Nintendo. I guess that we can be friends again.
Niero, do you have any idea what in the lobster milkshake you have done?! (dtoid 3rd anniversary post)
10 things you might not have known about Haxan (but really only 8)
Why Destructoid is awesome: Nilcam is the greatest edition (I honestly can't give Nilcam enough props for this.)
Christmas shopping: Non-gaming, priest dad-style
Bad Dye Job: A Darius Pickman Story
"Congraturation" RetroforceGO!
Nintendon't what?! Now you tell me just what the %#@$ Nintendon't do!

Neat stuff I played a bit part in
The Destructoid children's alphabet book


Xbox LIVE:haxan1
PSN ID:Haxan
Mii code:8490 3559 2301 7665


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