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Bad Die Job: A Darious Pickman Story (Part 3 of 5)

*This is part three of my entry in Conrad Zimmerman's Dreamcast Giveaway Contest (link here). **UPDATE: I won!** I will be releasing one part a day between now and July 7th, when the contest ends. Previous entries can be found here: Part 1, Part 2. Enjoy.*

When I finally came to, I was strapped to a chair in a large office. Before me was the tiny man who had sucker-jumped me earlier. He was seated before a desk so large that it looked like a city bus in comparisson to his tiny body. He just stared at me.

I shook some of the cobwebs out of my head before asking him, "Well?"

"Do you know who I am, Mr. Pickman?"

"One of Santa's elves come to renegotiate my Christmas List?" He didn't like that. He nodded a signal to the giant standing behind me. I then felt that pleasant sensation that you get when a tire iron is smashed across the back of your neck by Andre the Giant's bigger brother. Once the pain from the immediate impact died away a bit, I looked behind me to see a large, fat, bipedal turtle-dragon-thing. He was a nasty sucker and I could tell that he was itching to turn my skull into a soup bowl.

"Thank you, Bowser," the tiny man said to my attacker. He then turned his attention back to me. "My name is Mario. I am a local entrepreneur. I own various businesses that operate as fronts for some of my more delicate franchises." He stopped talking for a moment. Gangsters love their dramatic pauses. Makes them feel tough. But it always comes off as a bad Christopher Walken impression. "My brother Luigi is a plumber. That is to say that he takes care of odd jobs for me. He told me that you were sneaking around his home. This was coincidental, seeing as how he also saw you being contacted by an old flame of mine while on a surveilance assignment.

He stared at me with his expressionless gaze, giving me another of his pauses. Finally, he spoke again. "So, I ask you: what is all of this about? Also, why shouldn't I kill you right now?"

The truth was, I didn't know. Obviously the dame fed me a some tired line and I fell for it like a green cheep-cheep. Swallowed it hook, line and sinker. Not wanting to deal with death so much, and realizing that the Princess was playing me somehow from the start, I spilled my guts. This made Mario laugh. He liked the protrayal. Him, some tiny, obsessed, little man caught by her spell.

When he had finally composed himself, he looked me over. "I like you, Pickman. You make me laugh. This is why I'm going to allow you to make this insult up to me. You're in contact with this girl. This magic star necklace that you're seeking is not something of hers that I have stolen. It's something of mine that she has stolen.

"You're a stupid man, Mr. Pikman. But I believe that you may have a use to me. This necklace is a valuable heirloom that was given to me by my mother. And when that hussie, Peach, left, she took it with her. I want it back. She has threatened to destroy it if we do not back off. So, we've been surveiling her in hopes that she will lead us to it. SO, far we have not a clue.

"You have 24 hours. If that necklace is not back in my possession by then, you will become Bowser's new chew toy."

Part 4
Part 5
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About Haxanone of us since 11:13 AM on 10.23.2007

Occasional contributer to Tomopop.com.

Random gaming facts about Haxan

Legitimately beat Mike Tyson and went through Another World Circuit undefeated.

Beat the original Contra without dying. Twice.

Can land the damn plane in Top Gun and can also refuel in midair.

Can't beat Ghost & Goblins without the level select code and has never lied about it.

Thinks Friday the 13th is a great game even if the physics, controls and weapons are garbage.

Mario Paint caused him to buy a Super Nintendo and largely leave his Sega Genesis behind. He has played it more than most video games and wore down the mouse pad so that the grid only shows around the corners.

Has beaten Street Fighter II: The World Warrior and Super Street Fighter II: The New Challengers on the SNES on the hardest difficulty without losing a single round. Multiple times.

Is still friends with the girl who worked at a local game store and sold him Street Fighter II nearly 17 years ago.

Beat Final Fantasy 2 in a weekend when he was a kid, yet can't get through a role-playing game these days if his life depended on it.

Has never beaten Final Fantasy VII.

Prefers pads to sticks.

Likes the N64 controller.

Prefers the Duke to the S-controller.

Doesn't think that Super Mario 64 is all that great.

Got an Xbox mostly for Buffy: The Vampire Slayer. And thinks it's a damn good game. Really.

Swore he would never buy a Game Boy Advanced SP, but immediately broke down once the NES edition came out. (And regarding the NES Classics series, true in-store dialogue: "Dude, are you serious?! They seriously expect people to pay 20 dollars a piece for games they can just downlo...Ooh! Zelda!")

Really liked the first Halo. (Well, there goes my dtoid cred.)

Can rock out Dynamite Rave in Dance Dance Revolution like it's nobody's business.

Played the hell out of Animal Crossing: Wild World and hid that fact from nobody.

Stomped Brad Nicholson at Street Fighter IV, but had to resort to the cheapest of tactics in order to do so. ;)

Thinks you're really, really, really smart. And pretty.

Top ten favorite games (in no particular order):

The Legend of Zelda (NES)
Mike Tyson's Punch-Out (NES)
The Legend of Zelda: Majora's Mask (N64)
Phantom 2040 (SNES)
Street Fighter II (any version)
Metal Gear Solid 3: Subsistence (PS2)
Final Fantasy 3/6 (SNES)
Ico (PS2)
Sin and Punishment (N64)
Picross (DS)


I love drawing, though I realize that I'm not very good. I figured early on that drawing my own header art would help my blogs stand out. Thanks to Destructoid, and to the scanner that Carollelogram got me for my birthday last year, I feel like I've developed a unique style that's distinctly my own.

Outside of games I've got a DVD collection that is exploding out of a 5'x6' shelf (over 400 titles). So suffice it to say that I love movies. I'm a huge horror fan and I host an annual Dusk Till Dawn Horror Movie Marathon nearly every October. My top ten favorite films in order are as follows:

1. The Good, the Bad and the Ugly (Il Buono, il Brutto, il Cativo, 1966)
2. Night of the Living Dead (1968)
3. Seven Samurai (Shichinin no Samurai, 1954)
4. The City of Lost Children (La Cit� des enfants perdus, 1995)
5. The Apartment (1960)
6. Strings (2004)
7. Heavenly Creatures (1994)
8. The Big Lebowski (1998)
9. Batman: Mask of the Phantasm (1993)
10. Kiss Kiss Bang Bang (2005)

Music-wise, my top 3 bands are The Pixies, The Velvet Underground and Radiohead. I listen to damn near every genre of music (except modern country. I yearn for the days of Hank Williams, Sr. and Tammy Wynette). Hit random on my mp3 player and you'll get everything from darkwave to hip hop to 80's synthpop. I karaoke pretty regularly. I can't sing, but I surround myself with people who can. Still, you've not experienced all there is in life until you've seen me proper butcher True by Spandau Ballet.

Then, as for the literary interests, my love lies with pulp detective novels of the thirties and forties. Raymond Chandler is simply the greatest ever. And Dashiell Hammett is just fantastic. Lately, I've been reading through Frank Herbert's Dune Chronicles at Carollelogram's recommendation. Two books in and I have to say they're astonishing.

If you do the Twitter thing, Haxan1 is my handle should you want to follow me.

Feel free to friend me to your console of choice should you ever want to play a game of Street Fighter. Just be sure to let me know that you're from Destructoid and you'll get the royal treatment.

Blogs I writed:

Virtual Console Review- The Legend of Zelda: Majora's Mask
Review- Dead Rising: Chop Till You Drop

Front Page
Other Worlds Than These: The citizens of the land of Termina
Community spotlight: Haxan goes above and beyond for the community

Monthly Musings
Instant Replay: Street Fighter II
The Start of the Affair: Solomon's Key

Editorials and assorted articles
Does the Wii have RROD-type issues of its own?
Okay, Nintendo. I guess that we can be friends again.
Niero, do you have any idea what in the lobster milkshake you have done?! (dtoid 3rd anniversary post)
10 things you might not have known about Haxan (but really only 8)
Why Destructoid is awesome: Nilcam is the greatest edition (I honestly can't give Nilcam enough props for this.)
Christmas shopping: Non-gaming, priest dad-style
Bad Dye Job: A Darius Pickman Story
"Congraturation" RetroforceGO!
Nintendon't what?! Now you tell me just what the %#@$ Nintendon't do!

Neat stuff I played a bit part in
The Destructoid children's alphabet book


Xbox LIVE:haxan1
PSN ID:Haxan
Mii code:8490 3559 2301 7665


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