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LONG BLOG

Why FFXIII is the worst one EVAR!

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Final Fantasy was an instant classic ever since the first game in the series (Final Fantasy VII) came out. But since then the games quality has been in a slow downward spiral and has gradually fallen out of the graces of its fans and turned into a pale shallow husk of what it used to represent. Until now it was at least a tolerable husk, close enough to what it used to be to still be a decent experience, but since FFXIII was released we have all discovered how SquareEnix plans to continue the series, they plan to continue changing things and making the games feel different and basically making a new game every time, the nerve...... and I’m here to show you why FFXIII is the worst offender yet!

Reason #1 – The menus don’t go blep, blep, blep.

Right off the bat they decided to get rid of an old staple of the series. Cycling through the menus in a FF game has always been accompanied by the soothing tones of the “blep blep” sound. It has always been there, ready to greet us with every new game like a dog wagging it tail as its owner enters the house. But now the dog has gotten ideas above its station and has bitten the hand that feeds, changing the “blep blep” sound is essentially the same as them saying “Fuck you! We don’t care about your nostalgia. We’ll put in any sound we want and you’ll like it motherfucker!” Now when we peruse the menus we are met with the cold and heartless “dic dic” sound instead.

Reason #2 – The fights aren’t turn based.

Most people think that the early FF games had turn based combat because of the technical limitations of consoles at the time but that’s just a myth, the true fans know the reason why this decision was made. The real fans know that Final Fantasy games come from Japan. You see, Japan is a country steeped in respect, politeness, and honour, so much so that they actually take turns in their fights as a sign of respect. To not take turns in a fight is to dishonour yourself, that’s why they invented kamikaze pilots – if they waited for the enemy boats to retaliate they would have been shot out of the sky, so they tried to destroy them in their first attack. But Final Fantasy has abandoned its Japanese roots by getting rid of turns and trying to appeal to a wider audience by copying fast paced western games like Devil May Cry and Bayonetta.



Bear with me here for a second, a Leona Lewis song appears in FFXIII, Leona Lewis was discovered on X Factor or Pop Idol or American Idol or Britain’s got Talent or one of those shows, whatever show it was it was produced by Simon Cowell, which means when you buy FFXIII a small fraction of your money goes to that man. Are you ok with that? Giving money to the man who has plagued television with no less than five talent competitions in which he sits in a panel of judges and insults people, six with the upcoming American X Factor. He just keeps on repackaging the same basic elements but changing the people and places they appear in and calls it new, how does that have anything to do with Final Fantasy!?

Reason #8 – It’s not Final Fantasy VII.

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About Handyone of us since 1:44 PM on 09.14.2009

Welcome to the blog.... you must be bored. anyway im Handy, I'm a student in Ireland and I'm here to talk about whatever may come into my mind....so not much then.

Lets see... I’ve been playing games pretty much my whole life, since my Commodore back in the day to my ps3 now I’ve been hooked. Actually come to think of it I can’t remember a time I wasn’t playing games. Can’t say I have a favourite genre, I like to try a bit of everything, though I will go to town on a good RPG. I’ll have something to fill in this space as soon as my life becomes interesting.

^^^ Seriously, I wrote that like four years ago and still nothing interesting has happened.



Like everyone else on Destructoid I’m at a loss on what to fill this space with so I guess I’ll just catalogue my greatest hits, if you can call a loose collection of lists and borderline pornographic fanart “greatest hits”.



Listmania – Because liking something isn’t as important as liking it in the correct order.

Game plots that are clearly rip-offs: Part two

Gamings Greatest Slinky Invisible Women with Huge Asses

E3 Approaches: The E3 survival guide!

Something about E3: 34 things you’ll have to hear soon

Lost? Lonely? Looking for Love?

Gaming’s worst legal guardians

Gaming DIY

Valentine’s Day, Shmalentine’s.....Shmay

Get a new look at the Gaming Salon!

Hatesgiving

The NPC survival guide

Game lessons that don’t work in real life



Fanart Flops – Because you must suffer.

Fanart Flops: Back by (Un)Popular Demand

Fanart Flops: Eyebleach, I Choose You Edition

Fanart Flops: Octopus Hojo Edition

Fanart Flops: Stop Raping My Childhood Edition

Fanart Flops. (Possibly NSFW)



Wankery – The terrible results of when I pretend I’m smart.

Dear Industry: I Am Not a Psychopath

Final Fantasy Versus Itself

Only Human


The culture Gap



Sargasm – Because I’m kind of a dick.

Darksiders 2 in a nutshell

The Boy Who Cried Wolf

How Dare You, Capcom

Death to Red Shepard!

How to make a sequel

Why FFXIII is the worst one EVAR!

The Scandalous Scam of Samit Sarkar!

In the name of SCIENCE!!!




Front page – When Destructoid has terrible lapses in judgement.


Top 12 Videogame porno parodies (NSFW)

Handy’s X-mas X-travaganza begins now!

Game plots that are clearly rip-offs

Comments of the Week: Busst Stop

Comments of the week: George Michael Warfare 3



Don’t forget Comments of the Week

Comments of the Week: Tinfoil Hat Edition







Just because.
PSN ID:Handy2


 

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