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The NPC survival guide.

If you ever find yourself in a game, this comprehensive guide will show you how to not die a horrible, horrible death. For those of you that donít know (shame on you) NPCs are Non Playable Characters, the extras of the gaming world.

Weíve all played games and thought how much fun it would be to be a protagonist, but have you ever wondered just how bloodcurdlingly terrifying it would be to be an NPC. Death awaits you around every corner, main characters, villains, bosses...... all of them want you dead. But worry no more, because with this extensive guide, you sir or madam can avoid a horrific painful demise.

Tip #1 Ė Avoid New York at all costs.

New York, Liberty City, Empire City, umm.... Metro town, whatever they call it you must never go there. If you already live there follow this advice carefully. Get in your car and drive. Donít pack any belongings..... you wonít need them where youíre going. Donít stop driving for anything, not for red lights, not for electric men, and not for people with pointy arms. And above all else..... avoid eastern European men in tracksuits.

The daily commute is a bitch too...

Tip #2 Ė Never stand near glass.

No seriously....donít. It is a well known fact that any NPC that stands behind a window or glass wall is most likely going to die in a very unpleasant way. You need to be especially careful of this in horror games. Most of the time the protagonist will just stand there and watch. You see, horror glass isnít like regular glass, horror glass releases a pheromone that attracts monsters, zombies, dinosaurs and the like. And itís reinforced so the hero can watch you die and not feel guilty about not helping.

The best example I can find despite this happening in countless games.

Tip #3 Ė Protagonist assessment.

One must take the upmost care when a protagonist is in the area. Many times a game will force a protagonist into a moral dilemma. These tests of character will set them down a path of either saintly righteousness or basterdly debauchery. Examine their appearance and attitude before coming within reach of them. If they are friendly, clean cut or accompanied by the singing of a church choir then they may be approachable. If they are scowling, covered in blood or their eyes glow red like the scream of a thousand souls ........you should probably run.

Tip #4 Ė Mind your manners.

Never address a main character. Most main characters are on a power trip and would just as soon kill you as they would look at you. If someone bumps into you or verbally abuses you .......just leave it. Donít respond with insults, donít tell them how unattractive they are, and donít remind them that their mother is a notorious whore. Keep your head down, your mouth shut, donít make eye contact and try to wear neutral colours.

This will not end well.....

Tip #5 Ė Stalk the heroes.

Just.....follow them around. Theyíre never in the town when it gets destroyed. A good choice is to become a merchant or blacksmith, if possible a travelling merchant or blacksmith would be ideal. This way you can follow the heroes around on their adventures and stay out of danger. As long as you provide a useful service you wonít die no matter how much you annoy the piss out of them.... and if you wait outside a boss fight you can charge as much as you like.

You canít put a price on life.

Tip#6 Ė If possible, get large breasts.

I know itís sexist and juvenile, but this is about survival. And unfortunately this is a key survival tactic for female NPCs. Having large breasts will prevent bad guys from killing you, the downside being that they will kidnap you instead. It also motivates the hero to rescue you, again the downside being that they will expect something in return (but youíre classier than that). Itís insulting and stupid but sadly effective. Why do you think Aries died and Tifa lived?

I know your rolling your eyes but trust me..... theyíre life savers.

And there you have it, your key to survival. Make them your bible, your code, your creed and thereís a chance you might live for more than five minutes.So..... any more advice? Did I miss anything? What would you do to survive the NPC life? Let me know in the comments.
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About Handyone of us since 1:44 PM on 09.14.2009

Welcome to the blog.... you must be bored. anyway im Handy, I'm a student in Ireland and I'm here to talk about whatever may come into my mind....so not much then.

Lets see... Iíve been playing games pretty much my whole life, since my Commodore back in the day to my ps3 now Iíve been hooked. Actually come to think of it I canít remember a time I wasnít playing games. Canít say I have a favourite genre, I like to try a bit of everything, though I will go to town on a good RPG. Iíll have something to fill in this space as soon as my life becomes interesting.

^^^ Seriously, I wrote that like four years ago and still nothing interesting has happened.

Like everyone else on Destructoid Iím at a loss on what to fill this space with so I guess Iíll just catalogue my greatest hits, if you can call a loose collection of lists and borderline pornographic fanart ďgreatest hitsĒ.

Listmania Ė Because liking something isnít as important as liking it in the correct order.

Game plots that are clearly rip-offs: Part two

Gamings Greatest Slinky Invisible Women with Huge Asses

E3 Approaches: The E3 survival guide!

Something about E3: 34 things youíll have to hear soon

Lost? Lonely? Looking for Love?

Gamingís worst legal guardians

Gaming DIY

Valentineís Day, Shmalentineís.....Shmay

Get a new look at the Gaming Salon!


The NPC survival guide

Game lessons that donít work in real life

Fanart Flops Ė Because you must suffer.

Fanart Flops: Back by (Un)Popular Demand

Fanart Flops: Eyebleach, I Choose You Edition

Fanart Flops: Octopus Hojo Edition

Fanart Flops: Stop Raping My Childhood Edition

Fanart Flops. (Possibly NSFW)

Wankery Ė The terrible results of when I pretend Iím smart.

Dear Industry: I Am Not a Psychopath

Final Fantasy Versus Itself

Only Human

The culture Gap

Sargasm Ė Because Iím kind of a dick.

Darksiders 2 in a nutshell

The Boy Who Cried Wolf

How Dare You, Capcom

Death to Red Shepard!

How to make a sequel

Why FFXIII is the worst one EVAR!

The Scandalous Scam of Samit Sarkar!

In the name of SCIENCE!!!

Front page Ė When Destructoid has terrible lapses in judgement.

Top 12 Videogame porno parodies (NSFW)

Handyís X-mas X-travaganza begins now!

Game plots that are clearly rip-offs

Comments of the Week: Busst Stop

Comments of the week: George Michael Warfare 3

Donít forget Comments of the Week

Comments of the Week: Tinfoil Hat Edition

Just because.
PSN ID:Handy2


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