Ah E3, that special time of year when everyone in the games industry piles into one place to perform self masturbatory speeches in a bid for attention. Itís a lot like a sack full of badgers, a bunch of feral animals clawing away at each other try to prove whoís the superior being, the alpha-badger if you will, and at the end of the day all weíre left with is a bag full of hate, broken dreams and badger faeces.
Theyíre evolving..........and theyíre coming to E3....
What should be a time of excitement, healthy competition and pride in how far weíve come turns into a repugnant orgy of blame and sick joy in the failure of others. But whoís to blame for this festering pigswill of a response to what should be a celebration of all things game? YOU thatís who!! Well this is Destructoid so not you specifically, but him at the back.....no.....the other guy.......to the left........more.....yeah......yeah YOU with the default avatar! The guy who only comments on reviews and never has anything nice to say about anything! Itís YOUR fault!
So, in order to prepare your ears for the onslaught of verbal rape theyíll be receiving soon Iíve prepared a list of the 34 things youíre most likely to hear during and after E3.
1. Oh my god, the Nintendo conference was so sad!
2. Oh my god, Microsoftís conference completely tanked!
3. Oh my god, Sonyís conference was complete fail!
4. What the fuck!?The new Zelda doesnít have Link duel wielding crossbows like I imagined it would!
5. Fuck, Valveís big announcement wasnít Half Life: Episode 3 with Gordon Freeman using a portal gun!
6. Fuck Nintendo, they didnít reveal a new Kid Icarus, they donít care about real gamers!
7. Fuck Nintendo, they didnít reveal a new Star Fox, they donít care about real gamers!
8. Fuck Nintendo, they didnít reveal a new Pikmin, F-Zero or Golden Sun, they donít care about real gamers!
9. Ha ha, Move sux dick!
10. Ha ha, Natal sux balls!
11. Neither Move nor Natal seemed very good, the games industry is instantly dead now!
12. Gran Turismo 5 still doesnít have a release date? Fail.
13. Thatís bullshit! Marvel vs Capcom doesnít have some obscure comic book character I like!
14. All the Microsoft exclusives were shit graphics and mindless violence!
15. All the Sony exclusives were boring and ghey!
16. All the Nintendo exclusives were stupid and for babies!
17. SquareEnix didnít announce the secret Final Fantasy 7 remake that theyíre totally working on!
18. Killzone 3? More like Killzowned 3! Halo: Reach FTW!
19. Halo: Reach? More like Halo: Reacharound! Killzone 3 FTW!
20. Metal Gear Rising looks like shit, itís clearly been compromised by the Xbox!
21. Oh my god did you see the 3D games? That shit is the future, fuck Natal and Milo!
22. Oh my god did you see Natal and Milo? That shit is the future, fuck 3D!
23. Ha ha, that guy made an embarrassing mistake on stage!
24. Ahh, theyíve completely ruined Deus Ex forever because of that one change they made! BOYCOTT!
25. Seriously we need to prove that Nintendo/Sony/Microsoft won E3, because itís a competition you guys!
26. The games industry is dead because I donít really like E3!
27. Ha ha, remember that guy who made an embarrassing mistake on stage?
28. Wow, Peter Molyneux is totally going to change the way everybody thinks about everything forever!
29. My childhood is dead because Miyamoto stood up on stage and waggled for ten minutes.
30. Seriously the lack of professional journalism is very disconcerting!
31. Iíd like to booth that babe..........with my cock! Hahahahahahahah!
32. Holy shit! That trailer for a revival of an old game isnít true to the original vision or the expectations I built up in my head over the years! BOYCOTT!
33. Ha ha, I made a techno remix of that guy who made an embarrassing mistake on stage!
34. SONIC IS RUINED FOREVER FOR THE SEVENTH TIME!!!
The above is just a fraction of whatís to come, if thereís one thing weíve learned about these.... ďpeopleĒ itís that their rage and stupidity knows no bounds. They can turn what seems like a lovely surprise into a ratís nest of baseless, pointless arguments till you lose faith in humanity.
But remember children, E3 is a time of fun and excitement for those of us who possess the power of common sense, donít let the internet boogiemen ruin your fun, weíve got a week of game announcements, first looks, and maybe even a couple of surprises ahead of us. So remember, if theyíre under sixteen, claim to own all consoles, or are trying to overcompensate for their small genitals, then you donít need to listen to them.
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