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Lost? Lonely? Looking for Love?

You know, sometimes when youíre feeling low nothing helps more than laughing at people who are worse off than you. Indulging yourself in a little schadenfreude now and then is good for the soul, at least thatís what my teacher used to say before he shot the principal, and thereís no better place to look for people to look down upon then in the personal ads section of your local newspaper. But when perusing the personals looking for a bit of a confidence boost last week I came across a few people who sounded........familiar.

Well built Greek widower with anger
issues seeks random women to have QTE sex with
in-between vicious bouts of murdering deities. Willing
to do so in exchange for large amounts of red orbs.

Military girl looking for fun and good times over
sandwiches. Attractive, slim physique, and for some
reason suddenly blond. Could you be the master
of unlocking my heart?

Fifty something year old who looks like an eighty
something year old seeking normal girl to live
out the rest of my life with peacefully. No giant
robots, no government conspiracies . Just love and cardboard boxes.

Totally radical blue hedgehog willing to perform odd
jobs in order make ends meet. Thievery, murder, becoming
a werewolf, nothing is out of the question if the price is right.
Unenthusiastic but not entirely opposed to performing sexual acts.

Single, adventurous, gorgeous millionaire with hourglass figure
seeking love and companionship in my giant mansion.
No......seriously itís true.....I raid tombs......itís not
a scam........Iím real!.....WHY DOES NOBODY BELIEVE ME!?

Middle aged plumber looking to settle down
in a consistent, committed relationship. Cock
teasing drama queens who use kidnapping
as emotional blackmail need not apply.

Taller, handsomer middle aged plumber
looking for princess Daisy. I thought we kind of
had a thing going on but I havenít seen you since
the last Mario Kart. Whereíd that girl get to?

Confederate general seeking revenge through
raping Native American women tied to a cactus
while dodging a hail of arrows. (I hope no one
ever makes a game about this)

Thirty something year old father searching for
son. Last seen wearing green and carrying a red balloon,
speaks in a French accent despite being born and
raised in America. Goes by the name of JASON!

Help wanted: little girls age six Ė ten years
old needed to help clean up the community by collecting
genetic material. Parents need not accompany their
child, they will be under adult supervision at all times.

Silent protagonist seeking friendship and maybe romance
in new town. Basically all you have to do is complain about
your life to me during the afternoons. This has nothing to do
with me summoning mythological figures born from the human psyche.

Demon hunter looking for healthy relationship
with someone who doesnít look exactly like
my mother. Trying to work through my fear of people
due to most of them impaling the first time we meet.

Bulky space marine seeks sexual relations
with a WOMAN because Iím STRAIGHT
and I like WOMEN! Iím not trying to prove
anything to anybody...

Elderly yoga master looking for anonymous fun
with girls from all over the world. Able to stretch
any part of my body to enormous lengths. Any part
of my body ladies....

Now, you may be wondering why a bunch people from various time periods and places all over the world, some of which are fictional, are posting personal ads in a local Irish newspaper. Well I donít know either, because I didnít really think this blog through. Quite frankly halfway through I started to think it was a horrible idea, compounded by writers block and the fact that itís kinda hard to write these things when most characters already have love interests. So why not open up the floor? Write a personal ad for your favourite game character and you could win a faaaaaabulous prize!

(The fabulous prize is my respect, not something you actually want)

P.S. While Iím involved in the Destructoid community I donít feel like Iím very involved in the Destructoid community, sure I donít know any of you outside of the comment section. So PM me or send me a friend request (PSN: Handy2), Iím thinking about picking up MAG and playing with three hundred strangers doesnít sound very fun.

P.P.S. Given the context of this blog, the above paragraph might make it sound like Iím searching for anonymous sex with Dtoiders. I assure you that this is only half true.
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About Handyone of us since 1:44 PM on 09.14.2009

Welcome to the blog.... you must be bored. anyway im Handy, I'm a student in Ireland and I'm here to talk about whatever may come into my not much then.

Lets see... Iíve been playing games pretty much my whole life, since my Commodore back in the day to my ps3 now Iíve been hooked. Actually come to think of it I canít remember a time I wasnít playing games. Canít say I have a favourite genre, I like to try a bit of everything, though I will go to town on a good RPG. Iíll have something to fill in this space as soon as my life becomes interesting.

^^^ Seriously, I wrote that like four years ago and still nothing interesting has happened.

Like everyone else on Destructoid Iím at a loss on what to fill this space with so I guess Iíll just catalogue my greatest hits, if you can call a loose collection of lists and borderline pornographic fanart ďgreatest hitsĒ.

Listmania Ė Because liking something isnít as important as liking it in the correct order.

Game plots that are clearly rip-offs: Part two

Gamings Greatest Slinky Invisible Women with Huge Asses

E3 Approaches: The E3 survival guide!

Something about E3: 34 things youíll have to hear soon

Lost? Lonely? Looking for Love?

Gamingís worst legal guardians

Gaming DIY

Valentineís Day, Shmalentineís.....Shmay

Get a new look at the Gaming Salon!


The NPC survival guide

Game lessons that donít work in real life

Fanart Flops Ė Because you must suffer.

Fanart Flops: Back by (Un)Popular Demand

Fanart Flops: Eyebleach, I Choose You Edition

Fanart Flops: Octopus Hojo Edition

Fanart Flops: Stop Raping My Childhood Edition

Fanart Flops. (Possibly NSFW)

Wankery Ė The terrible results of when I pretend Iím smart.

Dear Industry: I Am Not a Psychopath

Final Fantasy Versus Itself

Only Human

The culture Gap

Sargasm Ė Because Iím kind of a dick.

Darksiders 2 in a nutshell

The Boy Who Cried Wolf

How Dare You, Capcom

Death to Red Shepard!

How to make a sequel

Why FFXIII is the worst one EVAR!

The Scandalous Scam of Samit Sarkar!

In the name of SCIENCE!!!

Front page Ė When Destructoid has terrible lapses in judgement.

Top 12 Videogame porno parodies (NSFW)

Handyís X-mas X-travaganza begins now!

Game plots that are clearly rip-offs

Comments of the Week: Busst Stop

Comments of the week: George Michael Warfare 3

Donít forget Comments of the Week

Comments of the Week: Tinfoil Hat Edition

Just because.
PSN ID:Handy2


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