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Impressions of a Pokemon Neophyte II - Pokemon Harder

Day Two of My Ongoing Quest to Discover Why These Games Are So Damned Popular. Five hours in, and I still have no f***ing clue.


If it’s Pokeday, it must be Oreburgh City! Uh, is this place underground? No, it’s just depressing.

Hmm… a new toy that teaches Rock Smash. Now, what are the chances I am going to need that to progress?

Oh, cruel fate! GranySmith has a full roster of moves, leaving only my Bidoof as being able to learn Rock Smash! No. No! I refuse to let Fate toy with me in such a manner! Screw you, Fate! Do you hear me? Take your grand plan and shove it right up your tangled skein!!!

Oh hey there, Dork….what the eff do you mean you got your badge?! F***! F***! And now I have to fetch-quest to find the f***ing Gym Leader? F*************!

Shoved that Bidoof into storage. Now to go grind my other pokemons up to a semi-respectable level.

O-okaaay…a Pokemon game just gave me an idiot’s guide to how coal is made. If it had actually said that coal is the compressed carcasses of dead Pokemon, I would have immediately declared this game to be the Greatest Game Ever.

Seriously, I’m wandering arounf a f***ing museum for f***ing coal in this game. Why? I mean, can this game get anymore tedious and boring?

Oh, ouch. I just got told by a NPC that my Pokemon were weak. Well their strong enough to F*** YOUR S*** UP, DICKWEED!

Sorry, too much caffiene.

“The Oreburgh mine is operate with the utmost care. We avoid causing damage to the natural habitats of pokemon!” Bulls***. You’re strip-mining that hole for all it’s worth, and forcing the pokemon that live there to work for you.

Oh, the neutered gay Machop is back! You are mine, bitch!!! Eat Razor Le-ahhhhh, CRAP!!! I wanted to capture it, not eviserate it! Dammit…

Okay, second chance at bagging a gimp…going to go with ChiknLttl for this one.

The gimp used Leer…heehee!

I bagged me a gimp! Machop is now TheGIMP, and I ain’t letting him out of his box! Though if I do, the first Pokemon he defeats is going to be called Marsellus.

Making ConEdison my primary pokemon so I can level the litle bugger up

Aaaand his first opponent is a Geodude two levels higher than him. Crap. Crapitycrapcrap.

Okay yeah, this isn’t working.Time to bring in TheGIMP!

Muuuch better. TheGIMP made Geodude his bitch! Geodude got renamed to Marsellus.

Tossed ChiknLttl and CrktInTmSq into the magical pokemon computer for safe storage. Don’t need the little bitches.

TheGIMP learned Rock Smash! How fitting.

Oh, that’s right. Can’t use that ability until I pants the Gym Leader and teach him to cry like a little girl.

TheGIMP has prblems with flying creatures. Really, I should have seen that one coming.

Zubats can’t hit the broadside of a battleship…aw f***! They can, however, hit with that annoying Leech Life attack.

Aw crap! I meant to capture Zubat, not kill it. I keep doing that.

No going to bother renaming Zubat. He is there for completion only. Though…I seriously doubt I have the wherewithal to be able to stomach trying to capture all findybillion pokemons.

And no, when done I will not show you them.

Cheesus, what is it about this game that makes me so damned sleepy? Oh right, the monotony and tedium.

Man, Nintendo sure does flog the hell out of the online/cooperative aspects of this game. It’s rather gawddammed obnoxious. If I wanted friends, I wouldn’t be sitting alone in my room playing video games!!!

Plus, my housemates just looked at me funny when I told them I was playing a Pokemon game.

Alright! “What I Be” by Michael Franti makes Pokemon grinding so much more enjoyable!!

…Oh god, what did I just write?!

9pm! Time for a Schlock Mercenary break.

TheGIMP is cutting a wide swath through the wild Geodude population.

It is really lame that Pokemon can only know four techniques at a time…but gods, would it be nice to be able to permanently forget shite that easily? Kicked your boss in the scrotum while hammered? Forgotten! Took home the ugliest guy/girl in the bar? Never happened! Played through an entire Pokemon game? As if!

Oooh! An Oni-wait, what? Damn…all this time I thought they actually spelled it ‘onyx’. Silly Goggolor! Logic is not for pokemon games!

Heh-heh…the wild Onix got “harder” battling my gimp. Dick jokes. Still funny.

F***! The Onix shrugged off my Pokeball. F***! He did it twice; this time against a Great Ball!...heh-heh… “great balls”.

So now that I am not beating up kids, but adults, for their lunch money, I am getting a lot more.

Brought GranySmith Back in to deal damage to all these wild Geodudes. Absorb is surprisingly effective against them.

Wait…I had to follow that little c***slapper all the way down into this mine, only to have the rockhumping little bastard run back to town?! Aaaaargh!!!!!

Okay, GranySmith is doing that bouncing-growling-glowy ring thing before every attack again. What the hell is that? Anyone? Seriously, if you know, please tell me.

G’ah! Geodudes every third step!!

Man, GranySmith’s Absorb just sucks the energy out of geodudes faster than a twenty dollar whore giving out blowjobs at the Republican National Convention!


Ugh…the gym is full of little wanna-be gym leader losers! Granysmith's absorbs a couple more geodudes and an Onix as appetizers to the main course

What a disappointing fight. Expected, but still disappointing. All Roark’s Cranidos did was Leer at Granysmith, while Granywmith sucked it dry!

COOL! Granysmith evolved into a turtle with lettuce on its back!

Okay, got my first badge, and I’m stopping here. More later.
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About GoggolrAscendantone of us since 5:01 PM on 04.30.2008

Hi, GoggolorAscendant here. Yeah, I missed an 'O' when entering my handle. Not the first time I've done something like that; won't be the last either.

So, I play mostly JRPG's and platformers. I used to own multiple systems, but Questar Gas decided that fun was not mine to be had. So now I find myself limited to my PS3 and DS Lite.

Three random favorite games: Rogue Galaxy(PS2); Metal Arms(Xbox); and Psychonauts(PS2).

Three games I'm currently playing: Final Fantasy I & II: Dawn of Souls(GBA); Pokemon Pearl(DS); and Ar Tonelico(PS2).

Three random things about me: I cracked my skull when I was year old and required 17 stitches in my forehead; only the second time I needed stitches was three weeks ago when I slice my knee open; and I quit my decent-paying insurance job in Atlanta, GA to move to Salt Lake City, UT to shovel snow. The skiing is much better out here. Also, I don't have to sacrifice a little piece of my soul every time I go to work.

Why I joined the Dtoid Community: I've been reading Destructoid for over a year now and finally felt like I had something to add.