After reading Riotmonster's list of videogame lust,
I was inspired to do my own version, since she and I apparently have very different taste in imaginary men. However, I know this sort of thing is puerile, cheap, and should be beneath the dignity of anyone who takes writing remotely seriously. Clearly I have better, ethically and intellectually superior things to do with my time.
Then I remembered that I am a videogame blogger.
The Gaming Goddess Top Ten Hottest Video Game Guys List! 10. Laharl
Hurry and grow up kid, so I don't look bad for kind of digging you.
Before I get accused of pedophilia, keep in mind that though Laharl looks like a little kid, he's actually hundreds of years old. Furthermore, if you disregard the fact that the only thing that could make him look more childlike is a Dora the Explorer backpack, he ticks all of the boxes for insane fictional hotness: Super powerful, red eyes, demonic heritage, king of the underworld, etc. etc. etc. And if Midboss is any indication, he's going to grow up just fine. So though Laharl's hotness is really only POTENTIAL hotness, potential hotness is still hotness, thus he squeezes onto the list at number 10.
He's fourth-dimensionally hot, you see.
9.That Nocturne Guy
Shin Megami Tensei: Nocturne
Okay, I confess I haven't played more than two hours of Shin Megami Tensei:Nocturne, since it's harder than a differential calculus class, and I get my monster-collecting, evil Pokemon-esque cravings sated by Azure Dreams instead. Nevertheless, our nameless protagonist (I named mine Karl, the male version of Karen) is a severe, albeit silent, hottie. For reasons why he's so hot, see Laharl's entry, since most of the same things apply-- he's like a grown-up Laharl, only not megalomaniacal or constantly henpecked by ambitious minions and clingy fallen angels. Or maybe he is, I wouldn't know. Actually finishing games is for losers and British people.
By the way, my boyfriend and I met due to my desperate search to find a copy of SMT:Nocturne. Funny story, I'll blog about it someday.
Devil May Cry
Not everyone can pull off the prematurely white hair + leather look. So Dapper!
To be honest, I couldn't care much less about Dante as a character-- for me, the Devil May Cry series is just an exercise in aggravating my latent tendonitis (die, monsters! I've shot you sixty times, WHY WON'T YOU DIE??), so he's not here out of any sort of affection for his glowing personality traits. He is just very attractive, thus he makes the list.
7. Leon Kennedy
Are you in RE5? No? Okay, I'm not buying it.
While Leon is quite the handsome lad, the really nice thing about him is is how we've seen him develop as a character: From a helpless little man-kitten in RE2 who needed Claire and Ada to do everything for him, to a virile special-forces type. He's kind of a prick, but that does not preclude hotness in fiction (in real life, it's questionable.)
I'm not really a fan of RE4, which I'm aware is a blasphemous statement-- personally, I liked the series far more as a slightly embarrassing B-movie schlockfest than as a consistently professional, self-respecting video game. Nevertheless, the amount I did play probably owed more to Leon than the gameplay, although the back of his head and massive shoulder blades were the only parts of him that were usually visible. Nice shoulder blades, though.
6. Jin Kazama
Shirtless hot guys are hot.
Fighting game stories are usually a joke, and Tekken is no exception, however I've always found the background of the Kazama's to be unusually interesting: The beautiful and altruistic Jun Kazama had an affair with Kazuya, who is apparently an incarnation of Satan (or at least something vaguely evil, it's sort of hard to tell with fighting games), and the result was Jin, a gorgeous guy who's moveset is half his mother's style and half his father's, with an occasional manifestation of pure evil. I always liked the fact that the character's backstory was actually reflected in the way he played, and since those bastards at Namco killed off Jun, my favorite fighting game character, Jin was the last vestige of her in the Tekken series-- at least until Tekken Tag Tournament, which was AWESOME and justifies the existence of the entire Tekken franchise. Seriously, they should have just stopped making them at that point.
Incidentally? He looks hot. He's one of the few "tall, dark and handsome" type on the list, and having Jun's combos (Three-Ring-Circus ROCKS, okay?) means he's certainly in touch with his feminine side.
5. Solid Snake
Metal Gear Solid
I seem to have encountered some kind of Cave Demon....
It's tempting to write a one-sentence reason for Snake's high place on the list: "Because his name is Solid Snake." But I'm pretty sure that joke has been old since 1998, and everyone's favorite one-man-army deserves better than such flippant treatment.
While on the surface Snake is the closest thing that gaming has to an A-list Hollywood action star, the thing that's so great about him is that in so many respects, he's not a typical action hero type. Throughout the series, other characters will talk about how feared and awesome Snake is, and the only person who doesn't seem to believe his own hype is Snake. He doesn't bother with witty one-liners, because the fact is if he's bothered to come out of the shadows to threaten you in the first place, he's probably just going to kill you and get it over with.
The only reason why Snake isn't higher on the list, is because I really don't see him as much of a ladies man. Yeah, he sneaked that tiny peek up Naomi's skirt and flirts with Meryl and Mei Ling, but I always got the impression that was more just for the hell of it than because he really cared. In fact, whenever he can get away from the battlefield, I imagine him all curled up in a warm blanket with a hot chocolate, petting his dogs. The man just wants some goddamned peace.
And yes-- "Old Snake" is still pretty hot. Age is just a number.
4. Ashley Riot
A Wellspring For the Dark? Perhaps. Certainly a Wellspring for hair.
If Solid Snake is a One-Man Army, Ashley Riot is a No-Man-Army. Vagrant Story's hero has no memory of his life before joining the Riskbreakers and becoming a kind of medieval special forces unit, and even when we learn more about him, he's still kind of a cipher. He's so blandly professional that he can get away with saying things like "Reinforcements? I AM the Reinforcements!"
and not sound like an egotistical asshole. Ashley acknowledges how strong he is, but more as a statement of fact than any sort of bravado. If he was ever prone to bravado, it was in his previous life. All of which he forgot.
Despite a relative lack of charisma, Ashley benefits from the fact that his game is superlative-- you just can't play Vagrant Story for hours on end while staring at Ashley without developing a very positive association with the guy. "Oh look, it's Ashley Riot-- here comes the best gameplay ever. You rock my world, Ashley!"
Besides, this is a guy who can somehow cobble together a full suit of jousting armor from a couple of crappy bronze helmets and gloves. Saying that he's good with his hands would be an understatement.
3. Liquid Snake
Metal Gear Solid
Original Recipe Liquid Snake: The First, the Greatest, the Only Liquid Snake. Available in "unhinged", "certifiable" and "completely batshit crazy"
Okay okay, this is a bit of a cop out because he's just the yin to Snake's yang, but it was hard to think of ten guys who were legitimately sexy, as opposed to just male characters I happen to like. Cloud Strife may have been an important fictional man in my life, but he's not sexy-- he's just like this awesome friend that you wish you could hang out with, if he could get over his amnesia long enough to remember where you live.
Liquid is hot for different reasons than Snake, primarily his insane confidence level (which is very nearly justified), however unlike Snake, he is voiced by Cam Clarke, who is very good and does "Sexy Bastard" better than just about anyone else. Plus there's always "Did you like my SUNGLASSES?"
Final Fantasy X
I always thought that at this point he was thinking "You're the twelfth dragon I've slain today, buddy."
In RPGs, I tend to bestow "Most Favored Character" status on a party member I like, and shower them with the best equipment/power-ups/etc. By the end of Final Fantasy X, Auron had something like "Super-Assassin Tri-Status Blade of Death" as his primary weapon, in addition to the legendary Masamune; Wakka had an "Official Ball."
Hey, at least it was official.
Auron is like one of those men who, while probably about twenty-five years past his prime, is still hotter than all the young guys who think they're so hot-- like an early-90s Sean Connery. He's also one of those characters who Knows All And Isn't Telling, and that creates an immediate forbidden fruit situation-- what do you know? Is it a deep dark secret? Why won't you tell me? Will you tell me if I feed you strength spheres like they're going out of style?
In many ways he transcends the "cryptic experienced guy" we've seen before in games, but going into why he's such a great character in general goes beyond the scope of this topic. The fact is, he's handsome in a very masculine, grizzled sort of way, and on top of that his voice actor should be entitled to kick every other videogame voice actor in the solar plexus whenever he feels like it, except MAYBE David Hayter and Cam Clarke: They have talent-derived immunity.
Incidentally, I was way too amused every single time he said "Send him, Yuna." So commanding! What was Yuna doing wasting her time with that Tidus twit anyway? Lady, you're awesome, but seriously....are you blind? Or more importantly, deaf?
1. Squall Leonhart
Final Fantasy VIII
I'll bet Squall does his laundry like five time a day because he's constantly picking Rinoa's stupid angel feathers off his clothes and out of his hair. Messy bitch.
Final Fantasy VIII's controversial protagonist may seem like a strange choice for Number One when his veritable doppelganger Cloud is nowhere to be seen on the list. However, despite his pretty light blue eyes, insanely well-conditioned hair, and all-around general purpose gorgeousness, Squall has a more compelling inner life than any other character on this list, except arguably Solid Snake. While he lacks confidence early in the story, Squall is sensitive but calculating, kind but firm. He avoids people not because he's a misanthrope, but because he's been abandoned repeatedly by everyone he loves, which tends to take it's toll on a young person. Furthermore, while his manner of dealing with life is avoidance, he's always getting called out because he is attractive and competent, to the point that you get the impression that he's tempted to sabotage himself just to get everybody to leave him the hell alone and let him sulk in the corner, like a normal
emotionally vulnerable person.
It's easy to put some pretty boy in a game and say "Look, isn't he hot?", but the reason Squall is so hot is because he's actually believable. Sure, he's gorgeous and smart and eventually gets a girlfriend with big flippin' angel wings, but he has flaws, and he eventually shows how much he needs other people for support rather than persisting as a stereotypical solo action hero. He also occasionally shows an extremely dry sense of humor, which if I'm honest is probably the reason that he's Number One. You need to be smart to have a dry sense of humor, and being smart is hot.
Squall gets a lot of flack for being "angsty" or "emo" but I think that's unfair-- when I think "emo", I think of a kid with dyed black hair sitting in their parents basement writing terrible poetry about how horrible their life is or something. Squall has real emotional problems, but he also has real reasons for those problems that are covered very thoroughly in the game, and is basically a nice individual. He's just reticent until you get to know him.
Whether you like him as a character or not, you have to admit: He is one handsome fellow, and his trademark scar helps keep him just a few steps away from the precipice of being too pretty to be a man. I confess, I've been trying to decide what color his hair is since 1998: Light Brown? Dark Blonde? Bronze? Brown with blonde highlights? Oh well, maybe in another ten years I'll wake up in a cold sweat with the answer.
So that's my list. I have to add that everyone on this list is soundly trounced in the hot department by my boyfriend Wilson, who actually looks surprisingly Squall-like now that I sit back and think about it, which means I win at life
. I love you dear.
Just for the record, everyone on this list is ALSO beaten by a young David Tennant.
Because I can, that's why.
Well, that's all I have for you today, all of the guys who are totally uncomfortable reading about male sexiness can come out of hiding now. It's okay, I understand.