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Handhelds: The Dreaded Tango Of Portable Gaming

Well, hello there Destructoid. It's the first time that I've properly addressed you all. I apologize for the previous times that I haven't. My name is GameJudge. At least my username. Today, I looked around the Dtoid site and I had noticed that there was a subject they pitched for bloggers. That being handhelds. Oh, how the handhelds have gone through. Now, any Joe could converse about handhelds, but I decided to make this a little interesting. How? Well, I'm going to make this into a tango!

Yes, we're going through this whole debacle as if I were in an Argentinian cafe at night, watching a show of a bunch of dancers as the accordion and violin duel to increase the emotion and passion in the room. Let us begin with how things came to be. The lights go up and we find that the time is either 1977 or 1978. Our gamer (which would be our white-shirt fellow) finds himself with a Mattel LED Based Handheld (who's the lady in the red dress). He finds himself dancing with the first handheld gaming device ever made. It's a marvel...but he finds that she only has one game for him. The only way he can enjoy variety is if he goes with different versions of her. So you'll see him changing from gal to gal to play games like Armor Battle, Missile Attack, Sub Chase and Baseball. She finds out about his multiple handhelds and abandons him.

A year goes by, according to a title card I see on the stage. Our friend has grown a beard and he's wondering what gaming console awaits him. We then met up with the Milton Bradley Microvision (the lady in the white dress). The two move themselves to the violin's music as we notice that he can play various games with her, as their acrobatic tricks would imply. The problem is that her face (LCD screen) rots easily and with a simple static spark, she ruins the tricks they do. The red lady comes back, but this time she's Asian and carries with her a lot of watches, becoming the Game and Watch. The man returns to her and finds a little more enjoyment. But he still faces the problem of having to play different versions of her to gain variety and leaves her. As he walks along, he decides to shave his beard.

He gets himself a tux to signify that he's grown up a little and we find he's in the year 2000. The market has changed. We see that the red lady has brought 5 more identical versions of her, wearing different colored dresses, representing the Gameboy Color. The man tries to walk away from them, and ends up bumping into a lady with a black dress (The Atari Lynx).

The woman in the black dress tries to convince the gamer to choose her, and tries to do some of the acrobatic tricks. Even though she looks promising, the gamer has difficulty trying to carry her. She thinks that he's having trouble with her not because of her size, but her set of tricks. The two collapse as the Game Boy Color ladies surround them. They walk back and find that the lady now has a dark blue dress and is now Asian. The Game Boy Color ladies assume that they've converted the gamer, but it shows to be that this dame is actually the Sega Game Gear. It's proven as she does various dance movements and tricks that the Game Boy Colors try to imitate on other gamers but fail to do so. But like the Lynx, our gamer has trouble carrying her. He puts her down and grabs ahold of the woman with the red dress. He finds that she's improved greatly and does much more moves and tricks and enjoys dancing with her. The Lynx Lady and the Game Gear Gal try to break them up, but the other Game Boy Color Chicks shove them away. The Lynx gives up, but the Game Gear keeps persisting until she fades into obscurity.

We then find ourselves being throw into 2009. Our gamer is dancing with a thinner version of the red lady, who's wearing a hat with a mask on it, which I can only assume gives the illusion that she has two screens that symbolizes that she's the DS Lite. She proves herself to be quite versatile and manages to keep his interest. That's until this mademoiselle comes into the picture.

The lady in the purple dress shows herself to be the PSP. The gamer finds intrigue and tries to see what she has in store. She takes him for a ride and shows him tricks that the DS Lite could not do. The DS Lite Lady gets angered by this PSP taking her man and pulls him back. The PSP takes him back and the two fight for control over our gamer. As this happens, bills and coins fall to the floor. The girls swoon over the cash and he comes to a revelation that all they wanted from him was his cash. The two attack him and strip him of a huge amount of cash and leave him to die as they dance with other gamers. The main gamer finds a friendly hand that pulls him up. He then notices that it's the lady with the black dress. Only that there's a distinct difference. She has a white apple on her dress, showing that she's the Iphone or the Ipod Touch. The gamer doesn't see that much of a gaming console in her, but she tells him that he can fulfill his needs if he just gives her a little cash. He gives her a few bills and finds that she does a lot for him for such a little amount of cash. He tries to gain control, but he's been swayed by the kindness, passion and variety she has given him.

Once the PSP and the DS Lite come back for the man to apologize, they notice that he's been taken over by the Iphone/Ipod Touch's siren song. They try to break him away from her as the two tango, but they seem to have no hope doing so. The PSP and DS Lite decide to trip the two over. They fall to the floor and the gamer realizes that the Iphone/Ipod Touch isn't really a handheld. Rather it's a multi-purpose device (which would be shown by a phone, a music player, a mail letter and other things that fall to the floor along with her). But he finds himself still clinging to his dear lover and shuns the two away nonetheless. Other gamers scorn him for his decision and he starts to have second thoughts.

Cut to the future, where the female in the red dress has big glasses that pop out (to give the 3DS image) and the vixen with the purple dress has improved with her tricks. They notice the gamer and the Iphone/Ipod Touch are still dancing and they are angered. They tried everything they could and the gamer doesn't bat an eye to them. They finally decide to settle it by fighting with each other to get to dance with him. The fight goes on and on, and many things are lost amongst them. Eventually...the fight stops and the gamer ends up dancing with one of the ladies in the shadows. But the lights then go off and you never find out which one he went with.

So, I bet you're a little perplexed at what I'm saying here. Simply put, the handheld console has gone through a lot of changes. From how many games one of the consoles can play to the technology itself. But the market has changed as well. For the most part, we know that Nintendo was dominating this market a long time ago. Many companies tried to beat them, but failed. Some actually got a little attention, others were just left in the dust. Nowadays, they face the problem of going against Sony, a company they've already been fighting with the home console and Apple, a company who's focus isn't really games. And with this new era and what each party is bringing, it's hard to know who'll reign victorious. Will the PS Vita blow people away when it comes out? Will the 3DS manage to use all it has to deliver with some powerful titles? Or will we all confine to the cheapness of the Iphone/Ipod Touch? Who knows? For now, we can just simply enjoy this powerful dance before us.

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About GameJudgeone of us since 8:15 AM on 08.04.2011

Take a gamer, a "creator", an actor, a procrastinator and throw it all together and you'd pretty much get me. I got into gaming by the Nintendo 64. Some of my favorites are L.A Noire, Super Mario Galaxy 2, Red Steel 2, Team Fortress 2, Gmod and plenty others.
PSN ID:DryChris
Steam ID:DryChris (Or Glassclock)


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