Hey all! I haven't done anything silly in a while, so tonight I submit for the approval of the -Midnight Society- Dtoid Cblogs: the dumbest thing I've ever done, a.k.a.:
“The Bathrobe in the Darkness: A Destructoid Fanfic.”
Once upon a time there were two twin brothers, Gajknight and Dreamweaver, who lived in the country with their uncle, Chris Carter. Gaj and Dream were the best of pals, true brotherly love held them together. Their true joy was playing video games together. Their Uncle Chris hated video games though. They once convinced him to try A Link Between Worlds for the 3DS and afterward he actually responded with “Meh, 6.5.” Unbelievable.
One day Gaj and Dream went out to play, because what do you think they are, some sort of stupid hermits who just sit in their rooms and play video games all day? Nah bro, that ain't them. They've got lives and shiz. They wandered farther than usual, probably playing hopscotch or some other equally exciting stuff. It started to get dark so they decided it would be best to turn back and head home, before Uncle Chris got worried. As they rose over the hill and their home came into view, their eyes fell upon a horrifying site. Their home was in flames! And not with Rock and Roll either! They rushed down and Gaj tried to push his way inside to find their Uncle, but Dream, always the more level headed of the two, pulled him out of the burning building. He wouldn't lose two loved ones this day.
When the firemen arrived and got the flames under control, one came out to the two young men to tell them that they couldn't find the body of their Uncle, and if he was home when the fire broke out then he probably went down with it. After giving them his condolences and leaving them to grieve, a strange old man approached from the darkness. “Young ones, dry your eyes. Your uncle yet lives.” They turned to the stranger, confused. “Who are you, and what do you mean?” asked Dream.
“I am known as Occams_Electric_Toothbrush. But you can just call me Occam.” “What the fuck kind of name is that? And how did you pronounce underscores?” demanded Gajknight, his poor heart aflame with the grief he had experienced this night. “Listen here you little shit, you wanna save your Uncle or not? That's what I thought. Now take these decoder rings and solve this riddle if you wish to save him: For you it is the day your Uncle disappeared, but for this maniacal man, it was just Tuesday.”
The two brothers looked at each other in confusion, and when they turned back to the old man, he was gone. All they had to show for his brief cameo was a couple of decoder rings and a riddle about Tuesdays. They didn't even like Tuesdays. Dream was more of a Thursday kinda guy. “Wait!” exclaimed Gaj, “What about that guy in the weird red suit?!” “Uhhh...Santa Claus?” “No, that Hoffman guy that's been on the news!” “Oh my god, Reinhold Hoffman! He never shuts up about Tuesdays! What would he want with Uncle Chris?” A good question posed by young Dream, one that Gaj had no answer for. Nonetheless, they knew their next course of action. They would have to venture to the city, and visit the towering...uh...tower of Hoffman Industries.
They visited the home of the too-gorgeous-to-be-a-mere-human-male Dale North, just down the road, who raised corgis of such phenomenal size and power that they could be ridden as mounts. With a smile and a song, Mr. North sent them southeast upon the backs of two of his finest to visit Destructville, [State Redacted]. Arriving at the address of Hoffman Industries, they noticed the city was strangely quiet. No cars, no pedestrians; just what had happened to the once bustling city? Probably some stupid GamerGate shenanigans, but I digress.
The two brothers sprinted into the building, throwing the doors open to find a large intricate, yet empty lobby with a desk at the far end between two elevators. At the desk sat a very bored looking young woman, blowing bubbles with her gum, popping them in such a way that the annoying sound echoed through the lobby. The two had lost a bit of their spark after having finally arrived at their destination, now filling with doubt as to just what they should, or even could, do to save their uncle. They nervously made their way across the lobby floor to the desk, the name Brittany Vincent etched on a small name plate on the desk. Sighing, she began her obviously forced line of inquiry. “Hello and welcome to Reinhold Industries, building the future of tomorrow one Tuesday at a time. How can I help you today?”
“We need to see Mr. Hoffman.” Gaj finally got up the courage to say. “Is he expecting you?” “Umm...I don't think so?” admitted Dream. Another sigh from the receptionist. “I'm sorry but while today is the day you failed to make an appointment with Mr. Hoffman, for him it is a very busy Tuesday. Please-” her second forced line of dialogue was cut short by the phone on her desk ringing. She picked up the phone and just listened for a few seconds before responding the caller with “Yes sir.” and hanging up. “Mr. Hoffman will see you. Take the elevator on your right to the top floor.”
Gaj and Dream looked at each other worriedly, was Reinhold Hoffman himself really expecting them? They stepped into the elevator and pressed the button to go to the top floor. There was no elevator music, just silence. Neither brother knew what to say to the other, nor what to expect when they reached their destination. The ride up was the longest ride of their lives. Finally, with a silence breaking ding, the elevator stopped and opened its metallic doors. The two stepped out of the elevator into an unrealistically dark room. Only the brief bit of light from the open elevator convinced them that there was even a floor. The elevator closed behind them after a moment, leaving them in total darkness.
“Mr. Hoffman?” Gaj asked the abyss. A voice they had never heard gave a reply. “I'm afraid not. You see, there is no Reinhold Hoffman.” With that, suddenly strange lights lit up in the floor to both sides of the brothers. Then another pair in front of those, then another, leading up the room until forming a circle around a large chair with a figure sitting in it, and another figure hunched over next to it. It was kinda like that scene in Chrono Trigger where the party meets Magus in his castle and-you know what, forget about it.
The flames were reflected in the dark sunglasses of the curly haired man adorned only in a bathrobe who sat in the large chair. “He is a fiction. A facade to spread chaos where I can not. I... am Andy Dixon.” “The two brothers looked at each other in confusion once again. “Who?” asked Gaj. Suddenly Dream noticed just who the second figure on the floor next to the chair was. “Uncle Chris!” He didn't even look at them, it was like he was deaf to everything but the tv that was placed in front of him, which he never took his eyes off of. In his hands was a video game controller. “Oh I wouldn't bother with him.” answered the robed figure.
“I don't suppose your Uncle Chris ever told you of his dark past, did he? You see long ago, he worked for me. He had a unique gift you see. He could play every video game in such a time frame that he could practically run the reviews section of a website alone. Really efficient as you can imagine. I mean we're talking about a guy who reviewed games regularly and still took time to max out characters in Destiny. What a fucking nut. Anyway, one day he came to me and said 'Oh Mr. Dixon, my two nephews are coming to live with me due to a convenient plothole that leaves out what happened to their parents or why their names are so fucking weird. I don't want this curse of mine to pass on to them. They must have lives outside of games. Please let me go.' I granted him his request, on one condition: that when the two of you became a reasonable age he would return to me, his apathy towards video games would end and he would write reviews for eternity.”
“Let him go you bastard!” shouted Gajknight, rushing towards the throne of Andy Dixon. Dream chased after him, but as they both approached the circle of lights that held their uncle and the robed man, a shockwave pulsed from the throne and knocked them onto their backs. They sat up and Dream pleaded “Please Mr. Dixon, you have to let him go! Take me instead! I can play a lot of games!” Andy cackled maniacally, “Hahaha ooh, intriguing.” Suddenly, a new voice bellowed from the darkness. “No one is taking anyone today.” With that, a slew of bullets fired into the tv that was holding Uncle Chris entranced, then a strange new figure strutted forward and stomped on the controller that he was holding. Chris's face finally rose, his eyes meeting the strange face of his savior. “Lol, DmC sucks.” It was Sephzilla, the robot police officer!
“Damn you Sephzilla, you'll pay for this!” shouted Andy Dixon. “I'm taking you in Andy, once and for all.” “Not today you robotic retard!” (fuckin sick burn m8) and he threw his hand towards the ground, letting fly a flash and smoke pellet, giving him just enough time to escape. When they regained their senses the two brothers thanked the officer profusely. “Just doing my job fellas. Take care of your Uncle. I have a villain to apprehend.” Sephzilla was gone as quickly as he had appeared, leaving the three of them to finally share a moment together. They were all safe, once again, and they all lived happily ever after, playing video games and having fun. I mean they didn't have a home anymore because that burned down, but they got by somehow I guess. Anyway, the moral of the story is, don't do drugs. And DmC wasn't even that bad.