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Advice from Steve's Job's Doctor: A Rebuttal


There's an article up on Wired ( ) that's about advice for living longer from Steve Job's own doctor. The cynic in me laughs at that notion since our dearest Steve died at an early age. There's some rumblings in the comments about him convincing Steve to use holistic medicine instead of real medicine, and thus responsible for him succumbing to cancer. I honestly don't know anything about that, and don't really care, but I figured I should poke fun at the select 'Rules to Live (Longer) By' that wired listed alongside the article. Wired has not put the rules in sequential order, so neither will I.
Rule 29: Smile. 'The act itself will trigger the release of pain-killing, brain-happy endorphins and serotonin.'
I gave this one a shot, since I've currently got a splitting headache due to lack of sleep/eye-strain,'and while I did feel momentarily happy I believe a fist full of Advil and Tylenol with a diet coke chaser will get the job done better.
Rule 2: Measure yourself. 'You might want to consider adding a tracking app or device of some kind to your life.'
That's not advice, that's at best advertising and at worst a conspiracy for the NSA to start tracking exactly how fat the US really is.
Rule 37: Eat more than three servings of cold-water fish a week.

I'm no angler, but I'm pretty sure bodies of water capable of supporting populations of fish are already cold. They may as well say to eat cows that come from a farm.
Rule 21: Inquire about statins if you're over-the-hill.
I'd google what 'statins' are, but I think I'll wait till I'm 40 and the doctor is knuckle deep up my ass.
Rule 59: Avoid stilettos and other sneaky sources of inflammation. Wear comfortable shoes.
Well, I don't think I need too worry about that unless I have to attend an event that forces me to wear loafers, or I enter into an amateur drag queen competition.
Rule 5: Eat real food.
He's right about this one. The 'Neverland' diet I learned from Hook has so far only made me fat, as I seem to imagine feasts where buffalo wings and twinkies are the only things served.
Rule 31: Be positive.

Rule 57: Avoid Sunburns
Never going outsides is the only way to 'avoid' sunburns; otherwise you're just sort of implementing damage control. It's cool though, I'll just use my tanning bed in order to get that godly-bronzed look. If it's not the actual sun it's technically not a sunburn afterall.
Rule 56: Avoid airport backscatter x-ray scanners. Until science can prove the safety of such machines, I'll be requesting the manual pat-down massage when I go through the TSA's gateway at airports. You should too.
Thanks, but I'll take the risk of cancer over having Earl thoroughly fondle my crotch as he searches me.

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About Fengorone of us since 1:10 AM on 06.26.2013

I'll come up with some interesting lies to put here if I ever become INTERNET FAMOUS, so people can think I'm an interesting person.