The month of Thanksgiving is coming up soon, and I just wanted to say, after I started being active here after years of simply lurking around like a wallflower at a school dance, that I've come (heh, come) to appreciate this community so much: you guys are good people, and reading some of your blogs not only entertained me to no end, but it also allowed me to get to know a lot of you better... and I must say that several lot of you have made quite an impression on me!
I've hopped around various videogame sites over the years ever since I was old enough to use the internet for anything other than a machine that shows me naked women, but never have I ever felt like this could be a place I could stay: Destructoid have been my home on the web, and I never would've done as much as I did if I didn't feel devoted to the site. Sure, admittedly I didn't do much in the grand scheme of things, I suppose (I'm not a HUGE member... and I don't have a HUGE membership either), but if I could, I would've liked to get more involved with this fine community.
Wait, "would've"? When someone says something like this, chances are said someone is going to be leaving soon. so you're probably wondering if I'm going anywhere. Well... I don't know; I honestly can't say for sure: one of the reasons why I'm writing this blog and posting it up is because I'm not sure what's going to be happening somewhere down the road, and I wanted to take this time to tell you all what you mean to me, and that whatever happens, I'll remember you guys. Seriously, I never really belonged in a clique for most of my life, so I've been pretty much a loner for the majority of my life, but I'm almost always glad to scroll down the comment section to see what antics await.
So, you're probably wondering what's got me all tense, what's eating away at me... well, it isn't easy for me to say, but it's not because it's hard to type the letters. No, it isn't easy for me to say because I know that, once I do, that you guys will lose all respect for me: I've left a lot of communities because I no longer felt wanted there because of what I said, either out of anger or out of... well, moments like these, and I was kind of hoping that I wouldn't be leaving this site for the same reason. However, in light with all the other Dtoiders leaving, whether it's due to scandals or simply because they must move on, I feel like, if I am to leave, that I should tell my tale.
You see, I made some bad decisions in life, and I'm expecting to be paying for it real soon: starting it off in high school, I never knew what I wanted to do with my life, and I didn't exactly put forth the effort into finding out. I did do my schoolwork, however, and I even got a 3 point something GPA and earned a partial scholarship (Bright Futures, I believe), but I think that was because I just didn't really know what else to do: I figured the path to my future would reveal itself in due time, so I didn't dwell on it much. As the grade levels go up and my time ticking down, it came to a point where I had to decide whether to go to college or not.
One thing people never realized about me, whether it's my teachers, parents, or whatever, is that good grades doesn't mean you're smart, and I was practically living proof of that: I feel wholly incompetent in everything I do, and when it comes to studying, I got by with pure memorization and luck. Seriously, a lot of tests I got back with an A and praise from teachers feels empty because I knew that I guessed on over half of these questions, and a majority of them happened to be right; when my luck runs out and I got the grade I deserve, teachers would say I didn't try because they didn't know the truth behind my first success.
Because I realized this about myself, I chose not to go to college after high school, and for three years afterwards, I was practically a bum: all I did was go to work two shifts a week (which means about 10-12 hours, and yet I still complained about it), played videogames, and wrote fan fiction for the longest time. Sure, I love creative writing, and writing stories that people would actually read was something that kept me going for the briefest of excitement, but I can't deny that I wasted those three years.
As you can imagine, I couldn't live on my own with a situation like that, so naturally, I lived with my parents who, while I can't say that I feel close to, I'm still thankful for what they've done for me. However, understandably, by the end of the third year, my parents basically gave me an ultimatum: either I start working full-time and pay rent or save for an apartment; go to college; or leave the house. Even though working itself wasn't too bad, I was in really low-spirits by that point (remember: I was writing fanfiction for just a tiny bit of praise), and the job was pretty soul-deafening at that, so the thought of working full-time scared me, even more so than becoming homeless.
So, I decided to go back to college, but once again, I made some bad decisions: I only went to school part-time, and I even quit my job despite having ample amount of my time to do them both because I couldn't give up writing and playing videogames. See, at this low point in my life, stories, whether I was playing, reading, watching, or writing them, were literally all I have keeping me going, and I needed to cling to them as best I could: if I wanted to know what happens next, I would, and have, forgo any studying or homework just to see the next cutscene.
Obviously, videogames were having a negative effect me, but it was also doing it in another way. Yes, videogames were seducing me away from my priorities in my life, but I always thought that the adventures I witnessed was worth the trouble to get to it... but with each great story I experience, I also feel a tinge of melancholy: I see all these wonderfully written tales, these characters I care about, these magical moments... and while I admire what they did and how they did it, I also doubt my own creative writing abilities in the process. Videogames thus became something like a double-edge sword: it was the only thing keeping me going, but it gummed up the works as well.
Despite all this, however, I'm still "technically" managing my studies with A's and B's... but when you take two easy classes a semester, it's not impressive. Really though, all I'm doing is delaying the inevitable: like as was the case in high school, I don't have any goals in life, and I can't get by with having "undecided" as my major forever. As the number of required courses for my AA degree starts to dwindle, eventually, I must pick a major... but as I'm sitting in the guidance counselor's office over and over again, hearing that I need to decide soon, I just can't seem to find one that I want to do that happens to be one that I can do.
At this time in writing, I only have about four regular academic classes and seven elective courses left to take, but without a major, they can't select my electives. As I'm sitting here typing this up, I think I'm about to make the worst decision of my life: I think I'm going to drop out of school, and there's a good chance that I'm not going to get a job, able or otherwise. If we're referring back to the ultimatum I mentioned earlier, the only choice left is option three: I'm sure my parents will kick me out of the house.
Honestly, after bumming for three years, then having them pay for my full tuition (I had financial aid, but funny enough, the family income became right on the mark to be considered ineligible) for another two years, only to do the equalivant of spitting in their face... I don't blame them. Now, this is all spectulation of course; I haven't told them of my intentions yet: I mean, how the hell do you go up to someone who has tolerated you when others would've given up, to tell them that I wasted their money and I don't plan to make something of myself?
I've also been a burden to my parents as well: I'm wasting their money going to school for no reason, I don't do much chores around the house, and I'm even taking out my frustrations on them. I think my parents would be much better off without me, which makes me feel even more guilty and somewhat determined to leave on my own.
I suppose I already lost all your respect by now, if not way back already, so there's no point bothering to explain my apathy... but the reason I don't really mind what happens if I'm homeless is because I lost a lot of will these past few months, and I don't really have a reason to keep living the way that I am. I lost the passion for writing a little while back, and while I am surely no Shakespear, I miss it so much, yet I can't type anything whenever I finally make time to sit in front of the computer screen and an empty Wordpad. Besides, so what if I write: no one's going to read it, and no one's going to want to read it anyway.
I've been thinking about the only possible future for me, and all I can see is is a cycle of constantly going to work everyday at a dead end job before coming home to play videogames, eat, sleep, repeat for as long as I'm alive. To me, that doesn't sound like a good existence, and after being depressed for so long, I'm not inclined to try it for myself: I already feel so dead inside, and that's just pitiful. Sure, there's plenty of things worth living for like finding love and having kids, but I don't think I'm going to be as lucky as those who are granted such blessings.
So, I said what I felt like I needed to say. To tell you the truth, I don't feel better after getting it off my chest, but I hope someone knows how I'm feeling: I haven't told anyone anything yet, and I decided to do so here even though there isn't anything you guys can do for me because... well, I kind of see you guys as family, even if you guys see me as that annoying relative that you hope wouldn't show up during the holidays, so I felt like I could open up to you like this. Sure, I may have lost your respect, but I still felt comfortable enough to talk about myself to you like this.
Anyway, if or when I do leave, I'm going to want to come back to this community: if I finally get a handle on life, this will be among one of the first places I'll be checking out when I finally shape up. While the members might change, this place seems to generally attract the friendly sort, so I'm sure to make friends once again. Chances are, I probably wouldn't use this account anymore though: I guess it would be best to start clean as the negative stigma would cling to me like toilet paper on the bottom of my shoe.
Whatever happens, I'm not going anywhere just yet: I'll still be lurking around here for some time until I can't no more, so I guess we'll see what happens when it happens. Just don't get too attached to me: I'm an anchor and I don't want to bring anyone down.