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LONG BLOG

Videogame Characters I Would Not Fight Against in a Bar

   0


Ding ding ding! Once you hear that bell, you immediately divert your attention away from the drink in your hands and look towards the source, where you see the bartender cup their hands around their mouths. "Last call!" they would say, and the crowd would boo them for putting an end to their fun. Not satisfied with the drink in your hand, since it's almost empty and you haven't had enough, you approach the counter to order another couple of shots for your friends, perhaps even an entire bottle of the stuff when... all of a sudden, you bump into someone else. Before you apologize, however, you black out: one second you struggling for the words to say, the next you're on the ground struggling to get up.

The next time you come back to the bar, you're a bit iffy: who was the guy that knocked you out, and will they be here again? Your friends don't know who hit you, and everyone was so busy asking if you're okay that they didn't see the guy walking away. So now, you're paranoid, and you start eyeing the people at the counter, wondering who it could be. You don't know for sure who it is, but you now know one thing: you're now going to keep an eye out for people who you just don't want to mess with at a bar.

This didn't happen to me or anyone I know personally, but I was joking about how I wouldn't want to mess with a certain videogame character at a bar, and then I thought: who else scares the hell of me should I face them? So now, I present to you, my list of the top 5 people I wouldn't want to get into a bar fight with! My only requirements must be that they: a) are able to physically fight, b) are the sort of people who would traverse a tavern, and c) are human "enough".

Ready to see if any of your characters made it? Read on!

Warning: Spoilers for videogames may follow in order to make my case of the list. While I'll try to keep it at a minimum, some spoilers are necessary. You have been warned once and I'm too lazy to do it again.


Number 5: Bo Rai Cho (Mortal Kombat series)
The big-bellied boozer!

Let's start with his attire. Obviously, he's not wearing that get-up because he's trying to hit on the ladies with that sexy beard and ponytail... he's probably dabbles in martial arts, and anytime you sees an old martial artist drinking, that could only mean one of two things: either he's about to have an emotional breakdown, or he knows the drunken fist. And considering that his girth probably isn't all booze, meaning that he probably overeats to avoiding feeling bad about himself, I'm inclined to believe it's the latter.

Speaking of his weight, not only does it provide ample body armor against my fists, but if I somehow hit hard enough to penetrate through all that flab and fat, I'm probably going to hit hard enough to make him blow chucks, and trust me, I'm sure he's got plenty of fluids in the tank. Chances are, he's going to recover faster than I would, now that he got the alcohol out of his system before it disgested, and I'm probably busy puking up my own stomach at the moment from the smell, he's going to want to fight for real. You may think I have the upper hand, because he can't do the drunken fist without being drunk, but his body is actually fat enough to cause earthquakes when he walks (straight from his move list), tripping me up if I try to make my escape.

And if he does win against me, as a character from Mortal Kombat, he's probably going to crush me to death with that belly roll of his, or he's going to light his farts on fire and burn me alive... Neither of which is worth it, considering if I do happen to win, it'd be against the bar's regular (and obligatory) fat guy, and that's pretty much a defeat in itself.


Number 4: Frank West (Dead Rising series)
The Frankfurter of the West!

Speaking of people with rising death tolls, let's talk about a guy who managed to survive a zombie-infested mall by using whatever he finds lying around to beat them to death with. Frank West is a photographer who, upon hearing about a big scoop doing down in Willamette Mall, goes in with nothing but his camera. Once he arrives and finds that zombies, out of all things, are rampaging throughout the building, Frank West doesn't cower in fear: he'll pick up a weapon, any weapon, whether it's as conventional as a pistol, as flashy as katana, or as unorthodox as a mannquin (they do a surprising amount of damage!), and not only charge head first into a horde of zombies and crazy psychopaths, but will even go out of way to save survivors.

Of course, at a mall, there are tons of things that regular average joes can find and use kill zombies with (since sporting goods stores stock firearms and Asian stores has more sharp blades than you could carry) but what sets this guy apart from the rest is that not only is Frank West badass enough to not only punches zombies in the face, but he can actually rip their guts out with his bare hands! Hell, he wouldn't wash his hands and still use them to chomb down a baguette in seconds flat! You wouldn't want to mess with this guy at a bar with tons of stools lying around; don't be surprised if he swings a jukebox at you!

Did I mention that he can shrug off being stabbed in the chest, bitten in the jugular, and shot in the face with a sniper rifle just by consuming alcohol... which a bar would be, no doubt, be full of?

Plus, there's that obligatory "he's covered wars, you know" meme that precedes him.


Number 3: Bigby (Fables/ The Wolf Among Us)
The Bigby Bad Wolf!

Although, if we're talking about how one's reputation precedes them, then look no further than a badass version of the popular fairy tale antagonist "The Big Bad Wolf": Bigby is a man who lived for centuries because of his werewolf-like powers that he can summon when sufficiently angry enough. While he definitely isn't as powerful as the big green entity known as The Hulk, Bigby isn't some chump: he knows how to fight and hit hard in his regular, albeit assumably super-powered, human form, and his transformation is probably more deadly than becoming Super Saiyan.

Probably the only character to actually fight in a bar (depending on what you consider "fighting") in his game, Bigby showed the player ignorant of his comic book appearances in Fable (that I have not read, actually) just how powerful this guy is: he is brutal in his attacks, quick enough to avoid devastating damage and dish some out of his own, and smart enough to know how to use the enviroment against him. Not only that, at the end of the fight against Grendel, players controlling Bigby has the option to spare him mercy... or rip out his arm to make sure he learns never to mess with you again. Plus, he has the gall to return to the counter after messing up the bar and demand a drink like a true badass (though I may have ruined that image when I tried to pay for my drink and I already gave money away to a hooker).

In fact, the only reason he isn't higher is because his immortality is wholly dependent on how popular his legend is (so I've been told, feel free to correct me on this). Despite the convenience of technology, which allows records of stories to be more permanent, children aren't going on the internet to look up fairy tales: we all know what they're looking up, and although it hasn't happened yet, it nevertheless begins the slow decline of his legend...


Number 2: Jack Cayman (Anarchy Reigns)
Jack, The Psychomaniac!

Let's be honest, if everyone on this list prior to him are sitting at the same bar, Jack Cayman is the last guy you want to mess with: Bo Rai Cho looks about as harmful as Barney from The Simpsons cartoon while Frank West seems too much like an average joe (especially in Dead Rising 2: Off the Record when he's balding and fat). While Bigby is, admittedly, pretty damn intimidating himself, especially being practically immortal, his biggest cause of fear is his transformation, and he isn't going to reveal that unless provoked. So, the big, burly, chainsaw-for-an-arm Chaser, who is essentially the equalivant of a U.S. Marshall (like Justified's Raylon Givens[/i]), takes the cake.

Let's talk about his chainsaw for a second: while the game never explains how he comes to have that equipped, we can pretty much assume that he lost his arm, which, given that he lives in a post apocalyptic world where giant monsters three times his size spring from underground in packs, means he probably knows how to use the damn thing. In fact, one of his executions involves impaling his chainsaw through the monster's brain (top that, Bigby!)! Adding to that, his chainsaw arm doesn't have one, but two blades, and although that's not really necesary (one blade is more than enough to slice off a limb, and if one blade can't cut through, I'm not sure why two of the same, exact type would), it shows just how serious he is about murdering you.

So why isn't he on top of this list? Well, like Bigby, he doesn't really do anything unless hired or provoked: from the title screen of Anarchy Reigns, you just see him at a bar chilling with a drink, using his cellphone to reply to some texts. Sure, he looks more intimidating than the other fighters in his game, from the stereotypical ninja, the Chinese sisters, and the old man in armor (only the pig eating bacon... yes, bacon, competes in "people you don't want to mess with"), but he's still a relatively nice guy: he was pretty nice to his daughter, even gave up smoking at her request, and he did spare the guy who "supposefully" murdered her (actually, I still don't know if he killed her since the only two pieces of evidence in the game contradict one another: Max himself says he didn't, but Stela's, Jack's daughter, profile said she was murdered by him).


Number 1: Trevor Philips (Grand Theft Auto V)
The Trevor of Terror! The King of the Phil!

You know what's scary about deranged killers? They don't often look the part, and can act out before you even realize what's happening. Thus, the winner of this list is Trevor Philips, for his crazy antics and even crazier personality. While he looks like your typical "angry stepfather", which means you probably want to avoid him anyway, Trevor is quite the psychopath when prompted, being even more dangerous than what Frank West has to face: Trevor kills indiscrimately, jack cars, and gets into more shootouts than rival gangs; his "rampages" are him just going off on people who makes fun of him!

And that's just his daily activities! On occassions, he robs banks, tortures people not because it's necessary or because he was told, but because he wants to, and even rapes people and stuffed animals alike, the latter being penetrated by its eye hole (which actually brought back this disturbing memories of this one gory hentai image that I would rather not be reminded of... I suppose it's not the worst thing I've seen, but, I'll be honest, that may be because of my warped senses).

In fact, not only did the developers decide to introduce him to you properly by having his bare naked ass shown, but he also offs one of the main character of Grand Theft Auto IV just by smacking him with a beer bottle and stomping his head in; that alone makes him terrifying to fight in a bar with (and satisfies the requirement that he is able to physically fight, in case you thought I forget that tiny tidbit with my long winded explanation to his antics)!

And don't think you can snuff him out: whereas other characters on this list has a way to recover health, Trevor can not only recover by eating, drinking, or sleeping, but he can even turn invincible, making him invulnerable to any sort of damage. Even if you can take him out, the best healthcare in all of America is in Los Santos: he'll be back on his feet in hours no matter if he's shot in the face or blown to bits.


Honorable mention: Max Payne (Max Payne series)

There's no way I could resist putting Max Payne on the list. Although not a physical brawler in any real way, which wouldn't make him eligible for a list of bar fighters, he does have the advantage of being able to slow-motion dodge, and can actually weave between a hail of bullets. Health-wise, he can only take a few shots, and although he can dull the pain with painkillers, if he goes down, he needs to shoot someone to get back up: if anyone is smart enough to take cover, he's going down. That being said, his skills with a gun is amazing, and should I make a list about that, he would definitely rank high...

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- "Petals dance for our valediction and synchronize to your frozen pulsation... Swirling wind sings for our reunion and 9.8 is my acceleration." - Mili


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About Dreamweaverone of us since 12:51 AM on 08.07.2009



Destructoid Trading Card courtesy of StriderHoang!

If you want to know more about me, you can check out my contribution to the "10 things about ourselves" blog, that Mr. Andy Dixon asked us all to write as well as any other personal blogs here:

"10 Thing about Me!"

"Top 10 Favorite Videogames!

"Most Life-Changing Game"

"Top 10 Fetishes"

I also used to write blogs about videogame themed doujinshi (yes, really). There aren't many written yet, but the few that are written can be seen here. If you enjoy these, feel free to message me on any recommendations, suggestions, or if one of the images I've chosen is too naughty. :P


Part 1: Monster Hunter and Kid Icarus: Uprising

Part 2: Demons Souls and Darkstalker

Part 3: Blazblue

Part 4: Super Mario Brothers

Part 5: [email protected]

Part 6: Persona 4

Splatoon (no doujinshi)

I don't just restrict myself to videogames though!

Two Siblings - Fela Pure

The Amazing World of Gumball porn (ya, really)

The Amazing World of Gumball porn part 2: Nicole Watterson edition!

Let's get a little (gay) hentai in here (NSFW!)

I'm not horsing around, but she is! (Oh, this is totally NSFW)

Another one of Dreamweaver's fetish blogs! You know you want some! (NSFW)

I also have done a couple of Comments of the Week! Check out some of the articles here!

Comments of the Week 1 - Prototype

Comments of the Week 2 - Ready for Round 2?

Comments of the Week 3 - Rhyme for Reasons

Comments of the Week 4 - Oh, dream-maker, you heart breaker...

Comments of the Week 5 - Number 5 has arrived!

Comments of the Week 6 - Better check the clock...

Comments of the Week 7 - From out of the blue!

Comments of the Week 8 - Alive once again!

Comments of the Week 9 - Robo Revolution!

Comments of the Week 10 - Don't need no Facebook

Comments of the Week 11 - Just can't live with you

Comments of the Week 12 - Crazy creations

Comments of the Week 13 - Just another day

Comments of the Week 14 - Prototype Pt.2

Comments of the Week 15 - It was just a Tuesday edition

Comments of the Week 16 - What you've been waiting for

Comments of the Week 17 - Monday surprise

Comments of the Week 18 - Kick that candy bar, I got a bounty for y'all

Comments of the Week 19 - The "Why am I not playing Splatoon right now?" edition

Comments of the Week 20 - "What the what!?" edition

Comments of the Week 21 - This tastes funny

Comments of the Week 22 - E3 2015 Edition

Comments of the Week 23 - A little too happy

Comments of the Week 24 - Am I doing it right?

Comments of the Week 25 - Doing things in the dark

Comments of the Week 26 - What's going on over there?

Comments of the Week 27 - Go ahead. Swallow.

Comments of the Week 28 - Let's all gather 'round!

Comments of the Week 29 - Can't get it up edition

Comments of the Week 30 - Keep crushing my weiners

Comments of the Week 31 - Don't open that door!

Comments of the Week 32 - Don't be scared, come inside

Comments of the Week 33 - Don't try this at home

Comments of the Week 34 - That kid's kawaii

Comments of the Week 35 - Major... I'M BURNING UP!

Comments of the Week 36 - You have eyes. What do your eyes see?

Comments of the Week 37 - In a place they'd never look.

Comments of the Week 38 - So our country could win.

Comments of the Week 39 - It makes a man hideous.

Comments of the Week 40 - Time for a taste test.

Comments of the Week 41 - Trick or Treat edition

Comments of the Week 42 - iDroid edition

Comments of the Week 43 - Atom bomb baby, little atom bomb

Comments of the Week 44 - Shadow of the Night

Comments of the Week 45 - バーガーベスト, ですよね?

Comments of the Week 46 - The Gift of Family

Comments of the Week 47 - My Gift to You

Comments of the Week 48 - Praise the Goddess, SANTA'S COMING!

Comments of the Week 49 - CHRISTMAS is OVER? Goddess damn it!

Comments of the Week 50 - We made it!

Comments of the Week 51 - The one after the blackout

Comments of the Week 52 - MY CANDY BAR! (featuring Mike Martin)

Comments of the Week 53 - Who in the world wished for snow?

Comments of the Week 54 - You're creeping me out

Comments of the Week 55 - Love Love Love

Comments of the Week 56 - Lots of Love

Comments of the Week 57 - New look, same great taste!

Comments of the Week 58 - Better late than never

Comments of the Week 59 - The 'still a week behind' edition!

Comments of the Week 60 - Don't reach for the remote, this is not a rerun!

Comments of the Week 61 - Still trying to catch up

Comments of the Week 62 - Working overtime

Comments of the Weel 63 - You're not seeing double!

Comments of the Week 64 - The reason why I'm not playing Quantum Break right now

Comments of the Week 65 - Take a break from Dark Souls III, you earned it.

Comments of the Week 66 - Take a load off!

Comments of the Week 67 - I needs it!

Comments of the Week 68 - Now we wait for Overwatch to come out.

Comments of the Week 69 - I see what you did there.

Comments of the Week 70 - We're all soldiers now.

Comments of the Week 71 - I will be watching over you.

Comments of the Week 72 - Die... Die... DIE...

Comments of the Week 73 - Ready to go primal

Comments of the Week 74 - E3 2016 Edition

Comments of the Week 75 - Activating self-destruct sequence!

Comments of the Week 76 - The 99.537% Reality

Behind the scenes look at Comments of the Week (Also, fuck it, totally NSFW!)

And just for giggles, here's a couple of blogs that I've personally enjoyed writing myself!

Videogame references in The Amazing World of Gumball (not porn edition)!

Pokemon Rap - Dibs on Miltank

Band of Bloggers: Stories from the Capital Wasteland

A Fantasy Fulfilled: Adventuring Akihabara

Short Story: Love Over Time (videogame related)

Ice Climbers fan fiction part 1: Siblings of the Summit

Ice Climbers fan fiction part 2: Siblings of the Stadium

Ice Climber fan fiction part 3: Siblings of the Subspace
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PSN ID:TraitortoHeaven


 

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