Everyone picks a character in fighting games based on many things: perhaps the character is someone you can relate to; perhaps the character just suits your play style; perhaps the character is a personal favorite of yours and you simply want to represent... but for me, while it can be a combination of all the above, I won't deny that I sometimes (read: the majority of the time) pick characters based on their looks. I mean, I'm guilty of picking Ayane from Dead or Alive 4, Ivy from SoulCalibur IV, and even Mileena from Mortal Kombat 9 just because they look hot, jiggle when they punch, and I do so love to button smash... and I've been trained to do that with one hand!
So, really, is there any question that I wouldn't pick Palutena, who is, undeniably, THE hottest character in the roster?
Sure, while it's damn heartbreaking that my favorite couple Ice Climbers aren't playable in the newest entry Super Smash Brothers in the series (and I'm totally calling provisional dibs in case they become playable at any point in the future)... I have to accept the fact that they're unavailable. However, it helps me feel better and sleep at night to think that, as the brother-sister incest couple that they are, that they are sitting out the fight because either Nana's pregnant with Popo's baby... or they're making one as we speak.
Anyway, here are my reasons why you filthy plebeians don't deserve Palutena!
Yes, Palutena is the hottest character in the game!
Bitch, did I stutter?
But really, was there any competition? I mean, come on, let's just look at some of them: from all images of the female Villager I saw, from the overly sparkly eyes, the eyelash job that looks half-done, to that weird haircut that looks like a mix between a top knot and pigtails... ew, not even animals in her town would want to go out with her, and trust me, I've seen enough bestiality to know that animals aren't picky. And Zelda? Psh, her ears are so pointy that they look like a Lamborghini coming down the street with the doors wide open, and she's so insecure about being a woman that she has to crossdress as Sheik and act like a man. And Princess Peach is such a cock tease: sure, maybe she'd be worth pursuing, but if Mario hasn't found that out yet, then I'm sure as hell not going to waste my time.
The Wii Fit Trainer does have some nice curves, and yoga is certainly something that a lot more women needs to be doing... but ugh, what's with the pasty white skin!? I mean, for someone who does so much excerise, you'd think she would have a tan or something: what, does she just stay inside her studio all day? And if she does, does she not look at her reflection in that big ass mirror she has installed in the back!? Wait... wait a minute... is she... is she missing pupils!? That's... that's... oh my gosh, that's freaking creepy: kill it with fire, kill it with fire!... and I don't mean the burn you feel when working out!
Still got quite the ass though...
Oh, this is fun; I wonder who else should I bag on next! Okay, well, Samus is always wearing that metal suit of armor when she's fighting so she must get really... hot and s-sweaty inside... and when she takes it off, she'd either wear that sexy skin-tight suit that hugs her body so right, or her other revealing outfit that not only show her curves off naturally, but also a lot of her smooth skin... Uh, you know what, I'll come back to her.
Now then, Rosalina has that typical emo "hair parted over one eye" look, but past that you can see... her breathtaking beauty... b-b-but by the way she dresses, you can tell that she... emits this extravagent elegence that she has in spades... and I'm not even going to try to badmouth the Fire Emblem characters: Marth is a really pretty boy, and I certainly can't talk smack about Robin and Lucina either since both of them just scream "waifu" material.
However, even though there are, admittedly, a lot more attractive additions to the roster than I had previously assumed (I stand by my earlier assessments of the Villager, Zelda, and Wii Fit Trainer), if this was a dating sim, the one I'm ultimately going to choose is still Palutena because, guess what...
Goddesses are my 2nd Favorite Fetish!
I guess you could say I'm... "Blinded by Light"
Don't think I just made that up on the spot! See, I've been playing Professor Layton vs Phoenix Wright: Ace Attorney and I know that you need to present evidence to back up such a claim so... TAKE THAT: I have a blog for your viewing pleasure a blog about my Top 10 Favorite Fetishes (out of a possible 37) and guess what I listed for number 2...
Well, assuming that you were too creeped out that you couldn't make it that far, or if the concept of hyperlinks is still new to you, it's goddesses: goddesses are sexy as hell, and Palutena is a goddess... therefore, Palutena is sexy as hell, and no one is going to argue with that logic.
Now, I played a lot of Kid Icarus: Uprising, so I spend a lot of time with the lovely lady, and she has such a wonderful, playful personality that she would absolutely be a delight to hang out with: seriously, I've mentioned this on several occassions, but the teasing Palutena likes to give Pit, along with her sense of humor and her motherly demeanor yet child at heart attitude she presents, are the perect ingredients for a waifu... not to mention that she also has an affinity for bathing in hot springs! Best of all, her voice actress portrays her so well that I could literally get an erection just listening to Palutena's voice alone.
I swear, if I ever get to have a conversation with Ali Hillis in person, I really hope I'm not wearing jeans.
She could totally get me into Heaven.
Which is good, because I'm going to need all the help I'm gonna get because...
Palutena knows how to work it!
Need I say more?
And she knows how to give head.
Flying headbutts, I mean.