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Dreamweaver Declares Dibs on the Deity (Palutena) for Smash 4!


Everyone picks a character in fighting games based on many things: perhaps the character is someone you can relate to; perhaps the character just suits your play style; perhaps the character is a personal favorite of yours and you simply want to represent... but for me, while it can be a combination of all the above, I won't deny that I sometimes (read: the majority of the time) pick characters based on their looks. I mean, I'm guilty of picking Ayane from Dead or Alive 4, Ivy from SoulCalibur IV, and even Mileena from Mortal Kombat 9 just because they look hot, jiggle when they punch, and I do so love to button smash... and I've been trained to do that with one hand!

So, really, is there any question that I wouldn't pick Palutena, who is, undeniably, THE hottest character in the roster?

Sure, while it's damn heartbreaking that my favorite couple Ice Climbers aren't playable in the newest entry Super Smash Brothers in the series (and I'm totally calling provisional dibs in case they become playable at any point in the future)... I have to accept the fact that they're unavailable. However, it helps me feel better and sleep at night to think that, as the brother-sister incest couple that they are, that they are sitting out the fight because either Nana's pregnant with Popo's baby... or they're making one as we speak.

Anyway, here are my reasons why you filthy plebeians don't deserve Palutena!

Yes, Palutena is the hottest character in the game!

Bitch, did I stutter?

But really, was there any competition? I mean, come on, let's just look at some of them: from all images of the female Villager I saw, from the overly sparkly eyes, the eyelash job that looks half-done, to that weird haircut that looks like a mix between a top knot and pigtails... ew, not even animals in her town would want to go out with her, and trust me, I've seen enough bestiality to know that animals aren't picky. And Zelda? Psh, her ears are so pointy that they look like a Lamborghini coming down the street with the doors wide open, and she's so insecure about being a woman that she has to crossdress as Sheik and act like a man. And Princess Peach is such a cock tease: sure, maybe she'd be worth pursuing, but if Mario hasn't found that out yet, then I'm sure as hell not going to waste my time.

The Wii Fit Trainer does have some nice curves, and yoga is certainly something that a lot more women needs to be doing... but ugh, what's with the pasty white skin!? I mean, for someone who does so much excerise, you'd think she would have a tan or something: what, does she just stay inside her studio all day? And if she does, does she not look at her reflection in that big ass mirror she has installed in the back!? Wait... wait a minute... is she... is she missing pupils!? That's... that's... oh my gosh, that's freaking creepy: kill it with fire, kill it with fire!... and I don't mean the burn you feel when working out!

Still got quite the ass though...

Oh, this is fun; I wonder who else should I bag on next! Okay, well, Samus is always wearing that metal suit of armor when she's fighting so she must get really... hot and s-sweaty inside... and when she takes it off, she'd either wear that sexy skin-tight suit that hugs her body so right, or her other revealing outfit that not only show her curves off naturally, but also a lot of her smooth skin... Uh, you know what, I'll come back to her.

Now then, Rosalina has that typical emo "hair parted over one eye" look, but past that you can see... her breathtaking beauty... b-b-but by the way she dresses, you can tell that she... emits this extravagent elegence that she has in spades... and I'm not even going to try to badmouth the Fire Emblem characters: Marth is a really pretty boy, and I certainly can't talk smack about Robin and Lucina either since both of them just scream "waifu" material.

However, even though there are, admittedly, a lot more attractive additions to the roster than I had previously assumed (I stand by my earlier assessments of the Villager, Zelda, and Wii Fit Trainer), if this was a dating sim, the one I'm ultimately going to choose is still Palutena because, guess what...

Goddesses are my 2nd Favorite Fetish!

I guess you could say I'm... "Blinded by Light"

Don't think I just made that up on the spot! See, I've been playing Professor Layton vs Phoenix Wright: Ace Attorney and I know that you need to present evidence to back up such a claim so... TAKE THAT: I have a blog for your viewing pleasure a blog about my Top 10 Favorite Fetishes (out of a possible 37) and guess what I listed for number 2...

Well, assuming that you were too creeped out that you couldn't make it that far, or if the concept of hyperlinks is still new to you, it's goddesses: goddesses are sexy as hell, and Palutena is a goddess... therefore, Palutena is sexy as hell, and no one is going to argue with that logic.

Now, I played a lot of Kid Icarus: Uprising, so I spend a lot of time with the lovely lady, and she has such a wonderful, playful personality that she would absolutely be a delight to hang out with: seriously, I've mentioned this on several occassions, but the teasing Palutena likes to give Pit, along with her sense of humor and her motherly demeanor yet child at heart attitude she presents, are the perect ingredients for a waifu... not to mention that she also has an affinity for bathing in hot springs! Best of all, her voice actress portrays her so well that I could literally get an erection just listening to Palutena's voice alone.

I swear, if I ever get to have a conversation with Ali Hillis in person, I really hope I'm not wearing jeans.

She could totally get me into Heaven.

Which is good, because I'm going to need all the help I'm gonna get because...

Palutena knows how to work it!

Need I say more?

And she knows how to give head.

Flying headbutts, I mean.

- "Petals dance for our valediction and synchronize to your frozen pulsation... Swirling wind sings for our reunion and 9.8 is my acceleration." - Mili

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About Dreamweaverone of us since 12:51 AM on 08.07.2009

Destructoid Trading Card courtesy of StriderHoang!

If you want to know more about me, you can check out my contribution to the "10 things about ourselves" blog, that Mr. Andy Dixon asked us all to write as well as any other personal blogs here:

"10 Thing about Me!"

"Top 10 Favorite Videogames!

"Most Life-Changing Game"

"Top 10 Fetishes"

I also used to write blogs about videogame themed doujinshi (yes, really). There aren't many written yet, but the few that are written can be seen here. If you enjoy these, feel free to message me on any recommendations, suggestions, or if one of the images I've chosen is too naughty. :P

Part 1: Monster Hunter and Kid Icarus: Uprising

Part 2: Demons Souls and Darkstalker

Part 3: Blazblue

Part 4: Super Mario Brothers

Part 5: [email protected]

Part 6: Persona 4

Splatoon (no doujinshi)

I don't just restrict myself to videogames though!

Two Siblings - Fela Pure

The Amazing World of Gumball porn (ya, really)

The Amazing World of Gumball porn part 2: Nicole Watterson edition!

Let's get a little (gay) hentai in here (NSFW!)

I'm not horsing around, but she is! (Oh, this is totally NSFW)

Another one of Dreamweaver's fetish blogs! You know you want some! (NSFW)

I also have done a couple of Comments of the Week! Check out some of the articles here!

Comments of the Week 1 - Prototype

Comments of the Week 2 - Ready for Round 2?

Comments of the Week 3 - Rhyme for Reasons

Comments of the Week 4 - Oh, dream-maker, you heart breaker...

Comments of the Week 5 - Number 5 has arrived!

Comments of the Week 6 - Better check the clock...

Comments of the Week 7 - From out of the blue!

Comments of the Week 8 - Alive once again!

Comments of the Week 9 - Robo Revolution!

Comments of the Week 10 - Don't need no Facebook

Comments of the Week 11 - Just can't live with you

Comments of the Week 12 - Crazy creations

Comments of the Week 13 - Just another day

Comments of the Week 14 - Prototype Pt.2

Comments of the Week 15 - It was just a Tuesday edition

Comments of the Week 16 - What you've been waiting for

Comments of the Week 17 - Monday surprise

Comments of the Week 18 - Kick that candy bar, I got a bounty for y'all

Comments of the Week 19 - The "Why am I not playing Splatoon right now?" edition

Comments of the Week 20 - "What the what!?" edition

Comments of the Week 21 - This tastes funny

Comments of the Week 22 - E3 2015 Edition

Comments of the Week 23 - A little too happy

Comments of the Week 24 - Am I doing it right?

Comments of the Week 25 - Doing things in the dark

Comments of the Week 26 - What's going on over there?

Comments of the Week 27 - Go ahead. Swallow.

Comments of the Week 28 - Let's all gather 'round!

Comments of the Week 29 - Can't get it up edition

Comments of the Week 30 - Keep crushing my weiners

Comments of the Week 31 - Don't open that door!

Comments of the Week 32 - Don't be scared, come inside

Comments of the Week 33 - Don't try this at home

Comments of the Week 34 - That kid's kawaii

Comments of the Week 35 - Major... I'M BURNING UP!

Comments of the Week 36 - You have eyes. What do your eyes see?

Comments of the Week 37 - In a place they'd never look.

Comments of the Week 38 - So our country could win.

Comments of the Week 39 - It makes a man hideous.

Comments of the Week 40 - Time for a taste test.

Comments of the Week 41 - Trick or Treat edition

Comments of the Week 42 - iDroid edition

Comments of the Week 43 - Atom bomb baby, little atom bomb

Comments of the Week 44 - Shadow of the Night

Comments of the Week 45 - バーガーベスト, ですよね?

Comments of the Week 46 - The Gift of Family

Comments of the Week 47 - My Gift to You

Comments of the Week 48 - Praise the Goddess, SANTA'S COMING!

Comments of the Week 49 - CHRISTMAS is OVER? Goddess damn it!

Comments of the Week 50 - We made it!

Comments of the Week 51 - The one after the blackout

Comments of the Week 52 - MY CANDY BAR! (featuring Mike Martin)

Comments of the Week 53 - Who in the world wished for snow?

Comments of the Week 54 - You're creeping me out

Comments of the Week 55 - Love Love Love

Comments of the Week 56 - Lots of Love

Comments of the Week 57 - New look, same great taste!

Comments of the Week 58 - Better late than never

Comments of the Week 59 - The 'still a week behind' edition!

Comments of the Week 60 - Don't reach for the remote, this is not a rerun!

Comments of the Week 61 - Still trying to catch up

Comments of the Week 62 - Working overtime

Comments of the Weel 63 - You're not seeing double!

Comments of the Week 64 - The reason why I'm not playing Quantum Break right now

Comments of the Week 65 - Take a break from Dark Souls III, you earned it.

Comments of the Week 66 - Take a load off!

Comments of the Week 67 - I needs it!

Comments of the Week 68 - Now we wait for Overwatch to come out.

Comments of the Week 69 - I see what you did there.

Comments of the Week 70 - We're all soldiers now.

Comments of the Week 71 - I will be watching over you.

Comments of the Week 72 - Die... Die... DIE...

Comments of the Week 73 - Ready to go primal

Comments of the Week 74 - E3 2016 Edition

Comments of the Week 75 - Activating self-destruct sequence!

Comments of the Week 76 - The 99.537% Reality

Behind the scenes look at Comments of the Week (Also, fuck it, totally NSFW!)

And just for giggles, here's a couple of blogs that I've personally enjoyed writing myself!

Videogame references in The Amazing World of Gumball (not porn edition)!

Pokemon Rap - Dibs on Miltank

Band of Bloggers: Stories from the Capital Wasteland

A Fantasy Fulfilled: Adventuring Akihabara

Short Story: Love Over Time (videogame related)

Ice Climbers fan fiction part 1: Siblings of the Summit

Ice Climbers fan fiction part 2: Siblings of the Stadium

Ice Climber fan fiction part 3: Siblings of the Subspace
Xbox LIVE:TraitortoHeaven
PSN ID:TraitortoHeaven


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