Comments of the Week - MY CANDY BAR! (featuring Mike Martin)

GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOD evening, Destructoid! It's your lovely host, Dreamweaver, coming to you a-live, with the newest batch of-

Ooh, would you look at that delicious looking candy bar sitting in that totally suspicious alley! Now, I know what you're all thinking, but since there's only one of those babies, I'M CALLING DIBS! 

Golly, I hope it's slightly melted. Candy bars ALWAYS tastes better when it's slightly melted!

...

...

Mike Martin: Bruh, that ain’t no candy. Oh god, it’s all over.. your face... the fuck man? Hey, are you ok? Dream? DREAM! *watches horrified as Dreamweaver passes out* Well, guess I’ll help out this time. Butt first I need to attend to something… 

TRUTH: I put it in his butt while he was passed out. 

LOL: Oh wow, he wasn’t kidding. His wiener really is small.

WUT?: He has a tattoo of Burt Reynolds blowing Hilary Clinton on his stomach.

Dreamweaver: Oh Goddess... my tummy hurts (and my butt for some reason). And here I thought Destructoid going offline last week was the worst thing to happen to me! 

From Sony tried to trademark 'Let's Play'

Dreamweaver: Sounds devilishly delicious.

Mike Martin: Does anyone have Fritos? 

From Arc the Lad coming to PlayStation 4 this week

Dreamweaver: I'd arc her lad, if you know what I'd mean.

Damn kids always be ruining my MILF moments.

Mike Martin: They ruin it even worse if they start coming out during intercourse. 

From PSA: Maybe don't buy amiibo at flea markets

Dreamweaver: Don't get fuzzy, get funky.

Mike Martin: I got something fuzzy and funky, right here! Know whattamsayin? KIELBASA SAUSAGE! 

Dreamweaver: I'd do a rimshot, but there's a camera up there. :P

Mike Martin: Pretty sure that once I finished, your rim WAS shot. Also, that camera scratched my dick… and I liked it.  

From These official Mega Man headphones are sexy

Dreamweaver: Dibs on his Mega Buster!

I'm talking about his penis! :D

Mike Martin: Well shit… can we share? 

From Xbox goes soft as PlayStation users reclaim 'most porn watched'

Dreamweaver: *deletes internet history*

Mike Martin: *googles giantress footjob* 

From Mike Martin's picks for games that he picked in 2015

Dreamweaver: Don't forget the part where he came down a skylight and blew through a floor.

Mike Martin: A gentleman never kisses and tells. Alright, so I pulled off my Perry the Platypus underoos and then…  

From Rockstar North head leaves company after 17 month sabbatical

Mike Martin: I was actually thinking that it’d be nice to just have a 17 day vacation… 

Dreamweaver: Bruh, you ain't truly on vacation unless you're rocking a pair of shades like those.

From I Have No Mouth, and I Must Scream is now on iOS, Android

Dreamweaver: Like when a hooker tells me she's pregnant.

Mike Martin: We have pregnant hookers? 

From With a little more time, The Division might be a fun romp with friends

Dreamweaver: Gosh darn it, Archelon!

Mike Martin: It’s a shame he split after that. 

Dreamweaver: See above response.

Mike Martin: It’s amazing what happens when videos are at different quality levels. 

From Target shopper arrested after pissing on games

Dreamweaver: Urine a lot of trouble, guys.

Mike Martin: This one pissed me off. 

From JRPG Stranger of Sword City coming to PS Vita, Xbox One, and maybe PC this March

Dreamweaver: Come on, can't you give him... a hand? :P

Mike Martin: Fucking entitled kids these days. 

From The Steam Winter Sale made a whole lot of money

Mike Martin: I’d groan at that, but I’m too chicken. 

Dreamweaver: Would you moan at that? ;P

Mike Martin: It’s on common grounds such as these, that we can come together and make a better world. 

To jerk off in. 

Dreamweaver: I just wished I passed my science class so I can get the joke.

From Danny Trejo apparently plays Fallout 4 as himself

Mike Martin: Every game should have the option to be Danny Trejo. 

Dreamweaver: I wonder if Matt Damon plays Fallout 4 as himself…

From I'm undecided when it comes to Heroes of the Storm's Greymane

Dreamweaver: I literally can't come up with a joke, this was too hilarious.

Mike Martin: You heard him, sit tha fuck down. 

From Dead or Alive Xtreme 3 delayed into March

Dreamweaver: Ew, I don't want my sperm to shoot back into my penis! Who knows where it's been! >^<

Mike Martin: *rocks back and forth, while clutching pee hole* It’ll be ok precious, it’ll be ok… Occams can’t hurt us here...

Mike Martin: Back pain is a titty thing to deal with. 

Dreamweaver: Must be because of all those Source Filmmaker porn videos Marie stars in.

ER, I MEAN, WHAT THE FUCK IS A SOURCE FILMMAKER?

From Republican candidate tried and failed to get the Duke Nukem bump

Dreamweaver: He'll never beat Grumpy Cat in the popular votes.

Mike Martin: I’m all about this cat for POTUS:

From Microsoft just stopped supporting Windows 8

Mike Martin: Little does Goof know, ‘96 was the year I pulled out of his mother. 

Dreamweaver: And nine months later, so did GoofierBrute.

From Info for 'amiibo dungeon' spotted on Twilight Princess HD Amazon listing

Dreamweaver: It's... better if you don't get it.

Mike Martin: Little known fact: Brett’s anus can comfortably fit a Mini now, or so I’ve heard. 

From Hitman's release structure changed, now fully episodic

Mike Martin: That was just fowl. 

Dreamweaver: Boy, I say, boy, I agree a whole lot with that there statement.

Mike Martin: He got me there. 

Dreamweaver: We are not talking about what orifices he pleasures you with, PLEASE DO NOT POINT TO IT.

From Have you received this free gift from Sony?

Mike Martin: The last thing I need is a wife! WAYYYOOOOOOO! 

God, I’m so lonely…
 
Dreamweaver: I'm pretty sure you can have his when that poster arrives.

From Review: Pony Island

Dreamweaver: I don't know what confuses me more: Nekro's story, or the fact that there's someone with a repeating username.

Mike Martin: Why did the aliens not warn us about Honey Boo-Boo? Wait…

From Man swears off Xbox after son spends $8,000 on FIFA microtransactions

Dreamweaver: Guess what else is cute and fit inside each other? :3

Mike Martin: Y’all gonna fuck or what? I didn’t lather all this mayonnaise on me for nothing! 

From Gone Home is a lot of things

Mike Martin: Fuck you mom. 

Dreamweaver: Quite possibly literally.

Dreamweaver: So that's why his face looks like that.

Mike Martin: At least it wasn’t a Kardashian. 

LAST TIME, ON COMMENTS OF THE WEEK:

From Comments of the Week: The one after the blackout

Mike Martin: Did someone ban Link yet? 

Dreamweaver: No, but I boned him (get it?). Close enough.

From Finding Paradise, a sequel to To the Moon, has been announced

Mike Martin: What a rukker. 

Dreamweaver: You kiss your mother with that mouth!?

From Rise of the Tomb Raider minimum PC requirements

Dreamweaver: His toaster ain't the only thing with dual slots. :3

Mike Martin: I’m hungry. I need some Taco Bell. Pretty sure that has hamster in it too.  

From Another new fighter revealed for Pokken Tournament, and it's a hot one

Mike Martin: Is that a dick in the middle? 

Dreamweaver: ...Cannot unsee.

From Monster Monpiece gets Naked for cell phones

Dreamweaver: ...These are not the nudes I was looking for.

Mike Martin: 0/10 No pink, shiny, wet looking, floppy meat worm. 

From Do you have Aiden Pearce's 'iconic' cap? It goes great with Agent 47's 'iconic' tie

Dreamweaver: Hail to the Chief, baby.

Mike Martin: The dildo bat accessory is what really set the whole thing off though.  

Mike Martin: Well, it was a pleasure ravaging your passed out body and joining you this week. Thank for the honor of both and I hope to enter you again soon. To the rest of you: Je zuster is een hoer! 

Dreamweaver: Ugh... what the hell happened to me? *looks at candy bar wrapper*

Must've gotten the sugar dizzies. I also apparently talk in my sleep. I'm weird like that.

Anyway, I hope you enjoyed watching me sleep the entire time! It's a shame that I couldn't bring you all the crazy comments of last week, but you know how I get when I get a little sugar in me.

- "Petals dance for our valediction and synchronize to your frozen pulsation... Swirling wind sings for our reunion and 9.8 is my acceleration." - Mili

LOOK WHO CAME:

Dreamweaver   

Occams   26

PhilKenSebben   25

GodEmperor Paige   19

Dennis Carden   19

LinkSlayer64   15

Count Parismeow Returns   12

RenaudB90   10

SirNinjaFace   10

ooktar   9

Gamemaniac3434   8

Flanx   7

Dwarvenhobble   7

Niero Gonzalez   7

TheLimoMaker   5

Elsa   5

arkane9   3

CelicaCrazed   3

Punished Nietzsche    3

Steel Squirrel   3

AvtrSpirit   2

Gajknight   2

EdgyDude   2

Dreggsao   2

NakedBigBoss   2

GoofierBrute   2

siddartha85   2

James Internet Ego   1

Malthor   1

Scrustle   1

Cynric Cyning   1

Batthink   1

serethyn   1

Destructoids Very Own Ein   1

berserkfish22   1

ShadeOfLight   1