10 years? Time for 10 (More) Things about Dreamweaver! (Most likely NSFW)

What's up everyone!? This is your boy, Dreamweaver, coming to you a-live with the next edition of Comments of the Week, where-

No, wait, wrong cue card. Lemme start over.

Hey there, what's up guys? It's your boy, Dreamweaver, here celebrating Destructoid's 10 year anniversary with (drumroll please) another round of "10 Things about me" blog! Yes, that's right, how the hell did we get this far into the day without one of these babies popping up is beyond me, so I'mma fix that by telling you 10 things you may or may not want to know about me! I bet it's the latter! :P

"But Dreamweaver, aren't you behind on Comments of the Week? Why are you wasting time doing this when you should be catching up?"

Excellent question, random Dtoider! Unfortunately, this is a "10 Things about me" blog and not a Ask Me Anything, so I don't have to answer that!

So without further adieu (unless it's cheese fondue), let's get started!

1 - I'm looking at porn right now.

To prove it, I'm going to screencap this very second and post it right here. Feel free to read through the wordpad document yourself. :P

As I said before, I like to have a slideshow of random hentai images to the side of the computer that constantly changes every 15 seconds or so. You would think that it'd be distracting, but after a while, you kinda just don't notice it anymore. That being said, I do like to be reminded of old images and hentai mangas that I might have forgotten about, so when they pop up, I click on the "show image" button and re-read some of my favorite comics. 

For this very reason, I try not to save any heavily censored images because it would be too stupid to proudly display the bane of my existence.

2 - Hentai mangas are my bedtime stories

I remember reading somewhere that Hideo Kojima always makes time to watch a new movie every day because it's important to him. Since Hideo Kojima is one of my two heroes in the creative world (the other being Kanye West), I like to think I could one day follow in his footsteps. While I personally try to watch a new TV show or play a new videogame in the same vein as he does with movies, if there's anything I ALWAYS make time for, it's reading some hentai mangas before I go to sleep. In a way, it has helped inspired me to create my own short stories since each one are usually short and sweet, and character dramas are my favorite types of stories.

3 - I've been following an "edging" ritual for... weeks now? Months?

Edging is the sexual act of masturbating until JUST before climax, then completely stopping yourself. Then, after waiting a while, you do it all over again.

I don't know, it's just fun to do, and sometimes even more fun than the orgasm itself. It gives you an adrenaline high that's really hard to describe (though scientists would say something technical like "filling your brain with dopamines") and it's perfect for when I want to have sex before I go to sleep and I don't want to get up and clean my underwear. You know, for when I read hentai mangas before bed. I gotta tell you, getting close to an orgasm then completely denying yourself the relief is a torture that I'll glady self-inflict on a day-to-day basis.

In case you're wondering, I DO allow myself to orgasm every couple of days. Eventually, if I edge for too long without relief, my penis kinda gets this defeated "what's the point" mood so I have to treat her every once in a while.

4 - I still remember the first girl I masturbated to. And yes, she's from a videogame.

This is a weird one. When I first started developing an interest in sex, I started getting these weird feelings towards the pin-up girls in my videogame magazine, so I would "experiment" by taking these magazines to the bathroom and getting naked while looking at them. At the time, I was so naive about sex (I hadn't even seen my first porn video) that I just started imitating what I saw on TV, so I just dry humped the magazines. I didn't feel any pleasure, and stopped when my penis slipped and almost got a paper cut. I did NOT want to have explain that.

Eventually, my curiosity made me want to try again, so I brought another magazine into the bathroom. I still remember I had two choices for "experimentation": I could either hump the advertisement for the Playboy videogame — which surprisingly had a (real) half-naked chick right there in the center — or the "bad schoolgirl" from Rumble Roses. I decided on the latter, then discovered that if I humped in a certain way, it felt "good." So I kept humping in that way, and it felt so good that I basically gave into the pleasure. Once I orgasmed and saw sticky white stuff coming out of my penis though, I immediately stopped, effectively ruining my first orgasm.

5 - I said I'd swear off masturbating

This is even more embarrassing. While I wouldn't say I was a church kid, I was raised to believe that sex is for married couple. In a way, I kind of still believe that to this day. However, when I was a kid who just masturbated (a word I didn't know at the time), I was so scared that I cleaned everything up like I broke a vase, threw away the magazine, then ran back into my room. Afterwards, I said I would never have sex again because, embarrassingly enough, I thought that it WAS sex.

As you can tell, that didn't last long. Eventually, I wanted to do it again because it felt so good, so I had this internal debate at what to do next. My brain convinced me that doing this again would be okay so long as it was with the same girl, so I dug through the trash to find the image. Unfortunately or not, it was dirty from other things, so I couldn't "use" it again. Eventually, I convinced myself that it would be okay if I just found another girl, but stayed "loyal." That girl was Kasumi from Dead or Alive, whom I had a crush on for a while.

I didn't stay faithful for long. :(

6 - Thanks to Nintendo Power troll forums, I found out what hentai was

So after masturbating a while to not-quite-naked anime/ videogame ladies, I pretty much stopped developing an interest in real girls (except one, but I'll get to that). However, I didn't know what hentai was, so I thought that I was never going to actually see an anime girl completely naked. That changed when I logged into my Nintendo Power forums account and happened to run into a bunch of trolls who opened my eyes to a brand new world.

The trolls posted tons of hentai images, and when I saw them (thankfully I was home alone), it was like a miracle. I saw Kasumi having raw, uncensored sex for the first time, and it gave me an understanding of what it's supposed to really be like. There were plenty of other girls as well, like Tifa Lockhart, Misty from Pokemon, and pretty much anyone who was popular at the time, so I pretty much overdosed on everything. I knew the trolls would get deleted, and I didn't want to save any images in case someone else in my family would later discovered them, so I basically masturbated four times in a row just to take advantage of this situation.

I wonder if that made me a premature ejaculator?

7 - I didn't learn how to "properly" masturbate for years

So remember when I told you that I dry humped magazines? Well, since I never knew any other way for a while, that's pretty much all I could do. For years, I've been dry humping magazines or even wooden surfaces with a magazine on it because I didn't know any better. Once I finally did know the right way to masturbate, I was hesitant to try it. After all, I've been doing it my way for years, and trying to pull back the skin without any lubricant (the anime people didn't use any!), it hurt and I stopped trying for a couple more months.

Eventually, I decided to bite the bullet and go ahead and give the other way a try. I didn't know what lubricant to use, mostly because we didn't have any lotion or anything, so I used my own saliva. By this point in time, I was into futanari (women with giant penises) and it always excited to see a women give herself a self-fellatio while rubbing her penis between her breasts (this was from a Haruhi hentai :P), so I guess I'd give it a try. I didn't really "taste" anything when I gave myself a lick, and honestly, I didn't really feel anything either. But once it was "wet", I gave it a tuck and, well, it gave me mixed feelings. On one hand, the sensation is more direct... but at the same time, I feel like I didn't "pull" hard enough, so I was left... wanting.

8 - This is my actual iPhone wallpaper, and had it that way for months

It's actually uncensored on my phone too, but I can't just leave it like that here so...

Anyway, it's a little weird having porn right there. On one hand, I've been careful not to let anyone see. On the other, I also kind of want people to see? I guess that's why exhibitionists exist.

Yes, that is Katarina from League of Legends. I've had a crush on her for a while.

9 - I have a list of "orgasm" triggers

Sometimes when I edge, I can get excited to the point that I just have to orgasm. While I usually hold it in, sometimes when I read certain phrases or see certain images in my hentai images, I just have to ejaculate. For one thing, if I see a woman making an "ahegao" face — where they stick their tongues out while their eyes roll to the back of their head in extreme pleasure — I just have to squirt some in her mouth. Sometimes, when I'm viewing porn on my Nintendo DSi, I like to imagine she can "feel it" through the touchscreen.

There's also other imagery that turns me on, such as ejaculating on clothes, getting a "hairjob", or seeing a woman wrap her legs around someone's back so she can pull them in for a harder fuck... but just hearing the right words can also set me off. For example, hearing someone say "Be a good little brother" or "Don't you love your big sister?" almost always leads to an orgasm. Once, I imagined getting raped by my sister, and when I told her I had a girlfriend, she told me that my girlfriend would dump me when she finds out I got my sister pregnant anyway, so I might as well "shut the fuck up and enjoy it."

10 - Oh, I won a guitar from Destructoid

Wait a minute... one of these things is not like the others...

But yeah, I actually won a contest from Destructoid that resulted me in getting a guitar... that I never used and had no motivation to learn how to play (if I had to learn something, I prefer piano). Actually, I won a couple of contests: I won a Gears of War 3 Weapons Skin Pack (given to me by Andy Dixon himself) as well as two free games for a Rock Band haiku. For that contest, I was actually supposed to get a guitar controller, but Hamza told me that something went wrong on their end, so he gave me MX vs ATV and some MMORPG (Aion? Aeon?) for free to compensate. This was my winning haiku:

As for the guitar, I actually got that for a short story I wrote that you can check out right here! (To be honest, I MIGHT'Ve been happier with the ukelele :P)

I still have the guitar, though one of the strings broke when my friend, who actually tried learning a guitar, tried it out. He was used to acoustics, and I believe the one given to me was an electric, so I think he might've tried hard to get a sound out since he wasn't used to it. But yeah, pretty sweet, huh? If I ever get to beat someone over the head with it, it'll all be worth it.

Anyway, that's it from me! There's a couple of other things I wanted to talk about, but I guess I'll save those for another time! Anyway, this is my contribution, so let's hear from you!

- "Petals dance for our valediction and synchronize to your frozen pulsation... Swirling wind sings for our reunion and 9.8 is my acceleration." - Mili

LOOK WHO CAME:

Dreamweaver   

Occams   103

Seymour   53

Dennis Carden   30

GodEmperor Paige   28

Jiraya   22

Wes Tacos   9

Malthor   8

Nathan D   6

GoofierBrute   5

Elsa   4

absolutfreak   3

EdgyDude   3

Scrustle   3

Whispering Willow   3

Morty   1

JPF720   1

M Randy   1

KingOfRedLions   1

Jayne   1

Double Monocles   1

Luckrequired   1

jak2364   1