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E3 Approaches: Absolut Entertainment

Ah Electronic Entertainment Expo, how I love you so much. I've dreamed of being deep inside of you, putting my hands on things not ready to be exposed to the public, pressing buttons, playing with joysticks and filling you full of my big, massive, sweaty ass. Running gleefully from booth to booth, exploring every up and coming game, but alas, I haven't been able to go, but with SQUIDBEAR AS MY WITNESS, I WILL BE INSIDE OF YOU ONE DAY... hem... Without further adieu, my E3 predictions.

Microsoft: Will Microsoft come hard, or will they be Micro soft?

Microsoft, in recent years, have been the absolute worst at keeping nearly every announcement from leaking prior to E3, yet this year we have heard nothing, zilch, zip. Why? My theory is that you only hear leaks when they are worth leaking, which means this years presser will suck major ass. Last year Microsoft announced Kinect and launched it as if it were an entirely new console and just like when they launched the 360, had a rather shitty line-up of games with very few releasing in the first year prior to the next E3.

So since Microsoft released their "new console" Kinect last year, I suspect this year they will focus mostly on software for it, as well as a few sequels for their hardcore players. Some easy bets will be the long rumored Halo: CE remake from the ground up with Live support, perhaps another unannounced Halo game, timed exclusive maps for Modern Warfare 3 and lots of numbers being thrown about for Kinect and their online services they now offer (Netflix, Hulu,, etc.) More Kinect enabled features will be enabled on the dashboard, allowing you to control more, more easily. Microsoft will announce Kinect Sports 2, Kinectimals 2 this time with more animals that boys could like or potentially Kinectimonsters, think Kinectimals for boys / with monsters. Obviously they will show off Forza with Kinect as well as Mass Effect 3 with Kinect features to which I'm sure they will get roaring golf claps. As well as showing Avatar Kinect or whatever that pointless app will be called...who gives a fuck really!?

Lets not forget Microsoft's other gaming platform, Phone 7, which will have some games / features show off, and hopefully they announced a next generation Zune that can do all of the above, only without having to have a phone contract. If they don't, I think Microsoft if really not giving their fan base enough options, unlike Apple who will surely have a better press conference than Microsoft on the very same day, (iOS 5 anyone!?).

Overall rating: IDGAF

Nintendo: Caffeine or Decaf?

Nintendo announced the 3DS last year and will surely announce Project Cafe this year, the successor to the Wii, but will anyone care? Better yet, will I? The 3DS was rushed out due to Nintendo not making as much profit as it thought it would the last fiscal year and thus far it hasn't really gotten off the ground. The 3DS is the only console I haven't EVER seen sold out of after launch at Best Buy, so the demand for it must be pretty low, and why wouldn't it be, the console has a lackluster line of software, mostly ports from other consoles with a few added extras. Nintendo will be re-releasing some classic games on the 3DS soon, Zelda, Star Fox, etc, but hopefully they announce a few titles to make me actually want to buy the system. At this point I'll probably buy Ocarina 3D just to get whatever special edition they come out with, and NOT the system, unless of course there is a zelda 3DS.

The Cafe will have it's handy dandy new controller with an small LCD in it, which I don't see being very cost effective unless Nintendo plans on losing some money on the hardware at first, as is the usual with console losses except in the case of the Wii. Software wise I predict enhanced HD ports of "Nintendo Classics" as it seems to be the only thing Nintendo can do since Game Boy Advance and Gamecube came out. I can easily name tons of great games from the NES / SNES / N64 that filled my childhood...what games will the kids of today remember from the Gamecube and the Wii? A non console exclusive Zelda? A soulless "NEW" Super Mario Bros? The worst Mario Kart game to date? Boomblox? Mario Sunshine? Luigi's Mansion? I'm just tired of Nintendo riding on it's SNES / N64 days and re-releasing games that I feel were perfect the way they were. I'm all for Ocarina 3DS, but I also want NEW content that doesn't involve those fucking pointless characteristic-less Mii pieces of shit. Who really gives a shit about Mii characters, honestly?

I have a weird feeling that Skyward Sword will release on both consoles at the same time, or at least be forwards compatible. Remember the Kirby game Nintendo quietly announced a while back? Project Cafe exclusive. I can't believe they announced a REAL Kirby game as if it weren't important, but made a huge fucking deal out of Epic Yarn. I remember last year screaming on Twitter over and over ANNOUNCE A NEW KIRBY, ANNOUNCE A NEW FUCKING KIRBY IT HAS BEEN 7 FUCKING YEARS! Then I shat a brick when they announced Epic Yarn, and then I cried painful tears after playing it. Epic Yarn was fun, but I felt like Kirby was tacked on to sell more copies plus the middle 1/2 of the game could have been cut out and the game would have been far more entertaining. Nintendo should also announce a new Mario Party title, for the love of all things good, PLEASE!

The easy bets are a new Pokemon game to fill in the 3 color group of Black and White, a new console Pokemon game, more Professor Layton / Phoenix Wright, new Smash Bros, more Mii bullshit, new Wii Sports bullshit, and lots of other kiddy bullshit that NO...ONE...CARES....ABOUT!

Overall rating: Fuck it, why do I even type anymore, getting more and more disgruntled as this blog goes on and more and more unprofessional, fuck you for reading this.


Ah Sony, you've done SO MUCH in the past year, like get your server pussy fucked up beyond repair, squirting users personal information all over the web for all to see, as well as having your precious PS3 hacked to shreds to pirate all 10 of your decent games. Now you are going to be bringing out a new handheld, since your last one did so well, AMIRIGHT!?!? I can't wait to see the PS Vita, because a fucking touchpad (they work so great on laptops AMIRIGHT!?) on the back of an over prices downloadable only PSP is such a brilliant fucking idea, I CAN'T WAIT TO SEE WHAT IDEAS YOU HAVE STOLEN FROM NINTENDO / 360, YOU ALWAYS DO SO WELL AT STEALING IDEAS AND HALF ASSING THEM! (See: Move, motion control, online play, xbox 360 exclusive / timed content, video game consoles prior to the PS3). Please make the PS Vagina at least $600, PLEASE! That way it can be the giant electronic dick that every person has to carry around as a status symbol, hey LOOK EVERYONE! I HAVE A PS VAGINA, IT COSTS $600 OMG! I hope you announce a bunch of really cool PSP ports for it, like LocoRoco and...what else was on the PSP?

Sony will also announce that the PS Store is BACK UP...then quietly move on from the PS3, just after showing Resistance 3, which again, will get millions of...ah kewls, and golf claps.

Overall rating: *pulls out gun, shoots self in head* GURGLING BLOOD SOUNDS

Fuck this E3 is going to be really depressing. Why do I even consider myself a gamer anymore? For the past few years no one has done something that makes me go, HOLY FUCK! JUST WHAT I WANTED! Or even get a half chub...fuck it.

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About Jed Whitakerone of us since 10:32 PM on 07.24.2010

Jed writes about games of all sizes, but these days mostly prefers indie games. He is a real hero and a real human being. Is he a kid now, or a squid now???????

Check out Jed's personal blog where he collects all his work in one easy to access place (sometimes),

"If you love something, go do it. If you want to get paid to do something you love, don’t wait for someone to pay you to do it, do it until someone pays you to not stop doing it." - Max Scoville

Things I've backed on Kickstarter (as if it matters, do you need to know what I've preordered too?):
Spooky Poo's Happy Hell - $9
Bloodstained: Ritual of the Night - $60

Favorite Games / Series:

The Legend of Zelda
Super Smash Bros.
Bubble Bobble
Final Fight
Mario Kart 64
River City Ransom

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Xbox LIVE:Jed05
PSN ID:DimmuJed
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