You hear alot of arguments nowadays about "this game is the best". "No you dumbass, this game that I like is the best." "My favorite game sits on the throne and rules them all". I'm here to tell you stop it...it doesn't matter people. You're arguing about the wrong thing! You want to know what's important? The gaming throne. No literally the gaming throne. What I want to see is a well thought out and well designed shitter. You show me that sexy shitter, you've got an insta-buy from me. Give me a crapper that makes me wake up, calling out it's name and I'll buy your season pass.
Now I know the truth. You see a bathroom in your game and you're checking that bad boy out. And where do you go first? Of course you're checking out that porcelain palace. Hey I get you. I'm doing the same thing. I'm finding that toilet and I'm imagining myself sitting on it, becoming one with the toilet. Daydreaming about that welcoming caress as you sit down to "Do the two". Don't lie to me and more importantly don't lie to yourself. We all do it, because the way to man's heart isn't through his stomach, it's through his ass cheeks!
Now allow me to run down my picks for the best toilets in gaming. You may ask yourself what gives me the right to make such a list. Well sir, i tell you that I have pooped on my fair share of toilets. I fashion myself a connasseur of the crapper. My whole life has been building toward this moment and you best believe I take this shit seriously
Dishonorable Mention GoldenEye
Look, I know this was back before graphics were great, but that can't sway my cheeks. Look at those pointed edges! One wrong move and I'm scratching and blinding my brown eye. I still wake up in a cold sweat, crying out for my mother over the horror of this toilet. GoldenEye, a wonderful game but a horrible crapper. Not to mention I can't even flush the damn thing! GoldenEye, you're such a caca tease! I give you 1 Taco Bell poo out 5.
It's like Banjo Kazooie was in my head! You want to know what the dream is? A talking toilet! Ahhh hell yeah. A talking crapper is just brilliance personified. I've always wondered what my toilet would say if it could talk. I'd like to think it would be wise, a good friend, but I bet it would call me out on my shit too! I've always had that dream of speaking with my toilet and if you ask me, this is Rare's biggest and best accomplishment. I salute you Rare for making this real. The two poo salute for you!
Now you may be thinking, how does these nasty, crumbling, refuse encrusted toilets make it on he list. Well let me take you on a journey friend and give you the two main reason. 1st, you're in a pinch, you just tangoed with some super mutants and you're out of stimpaks, what do you do? You find that life sustsaining toilet and you lap up that water like a dog that's been humping legs for hours on end. Rads? That brings me to number 2. You drink from that toilet, you get some rads, and maybe, just maybe you grow that second ass you've been wanting. And then you can use 2 toilets on one time. Screw you evolution for not making that shit real already! I give you 2 numbers twos Fallout 3.
I may not be a huge fan of Heavy Rain, but you know what I am a fan of? Toilet realism. I see a toilet in real life, what do I do? I take that bad boy for a spin and see how how it feels. What do I do when I see a toilet in a video game? I take that bad boy for a spin and see how it feels. Thank you Heavy Rain for indulging my toilet usage. You've plunged your way into my heart.
Duke Nukem Forever
Who says Duke Nukem Forever wasn't a great game? Duke loves his toilets almost as much as this guy. The only thing keeping these toilets from a golden deuce is the small stall size. Don't constrict me and my pooping ways!
Honorable Mention Splinter Cell Conviction
The aesthetic here is perfect. The gas station bathroom. You're driving down the highway and that three bean burrito you polished off that was past the expiration date is coming at you fast. You either do the deed right there in the car or you head into that gas station bathroom. We've all been saved by these type toilets before and they have a special place in our hearts. But what keeps this off the list is the violence. A toilet should be a tool of peace, not of violence.
No More Heroes
The video game toilet that won my heart will always be No More Heroes. Travis Touchdown, like me, knows the benefits of a good toilet. It's a safe place. A place of recollection and unwinding. A safe haven where nothing can hurt you. Save your progress and start your day anew (and also drop a deuce). You get me No More Heroes. Like no one else in this world you get me and you understand the fundamental principle of the toilet. Comfort and safety. I bestow the Golden Dingleberry to thee!
So that's it. That's my throne list and I'm sticking to it. You may disagree, but that's too bad. I've been toileting since you were all in diapers, so deal with it. And just remember game developers. You give me that sweet ass toilet, that makes my cheeks quiver with excitement, like Kim Kardashian in an amateur night of passion...I'll give you all my monies!