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LONG BLOG

One Week of Fitness Boxing

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First off, let me say thanks if you are reading this! And if you are not reading this, that's fine too. This is going to be the first blog post that I actually finish (hopefully). I tried to make a post with a direct game-by-game breakdown comparing the SNES Classsic and Playstation Mini, but got bored when it was so obviously lopsided in favor of the SNES, even tho PS1 a strong candidate for best console of all time in my book.

My New Year's resolution this year is to give up sugary sweets. I'm not giving up all sugar, because it's in too many things like bread and almond butter. I'm also not giving up all sweets, because some are made with artificial sweeteners and I'm not one of those superstitious types who thinks those are somehow bad for you despite ample evidence to the contrary. I told many people that this was my resolution. It was also a ruse.

I mean, sure, I AM giving up twinkies, root beer, and all that deliciousness, but that is not the real challenge. The real challenge is to do the Fitness Boxing daily workout every day. I did not tell anyone this was a resolution for two reasons. First, even tho I had already purchased and downloaded the title by New Year's, I was not actually playable until the 4th. Secondly, I did not want to announce a resolution I thought I might fail. See, I'm lazy. Not eating sweets didn't seem very difficult. I'm quite proficient in not doing things. Actually doing things tho, I find that tough. However, I had played thru the demo already, and it seemed fun. I'm kinda a fan of rhythm games. So, I thought maybe I could do this.

On the morning of the 4th, I got up early, took my morning shower, and started the game. I chose early morning because I knew that was the best shot I had at actually having the energy to do it. I don't know if you'd call me a morning person, I don't exactly wake up perky and full of energy, but my energy levels after spending all day working in a dirty, soul-crushing blue collar job are basically nonexistant, so, morning it is. Anywho, I was somewhat disappointed in the fact that it did not carry over my progress from the demo. So, it was starting over from square one at the basics. I chose Fully Body as the part of my body to work out, since I think all parts of my body are equally out of shape. I chose Strength + Cardio as I'm both easily winded and can only win arm wrestling against petite women. I also chose to have Stretching On, because I'm sure I need that, as I've never been particularly flexible, nor had good balance or posture. The game also wanted to know my height and weight. What I found peculiar was that it wanted these in cm and kg. Now, don't get me wrong. I've nothing against the metric system. I think having 1000 ml in a litre and 1000 meters in a kilometer is much more sensible than 128 oz per gallon or 5,280 ft per mile. However, I live in America, and American measurements are what I am accustomed to. I don't even own a scale. I only know I'm as many pounds as they told me during my last doctor visit (approximately). And they told me in pounds, not kilograms. Now, in this era of modern technology, getting a conversion was not at all a difficult process, I just found it odd that there was no option for the customary system. After getting all my information in, the first day was basically a short, boring, re-acquaintance with the basics.

The second day was a little more interesting. Oh, one setting I did not mention. I chose 25 minutes for my workout time. Now that I think about it, I might not have input all those settings until the second day. Anyways, second day was the first full workout. It was simple fun. I did get a little sweaty tho. After this, I changed my morning routine to Fitness Boxing THEN shower, as it was apparent that Fitness Boxing had this day nullified everything I had intended the shower to achieve.

The next few days they add hooks and uppercuts. These are annoyingly unreliable. I feel like it has been enough years since the introduction of the Wii, motion controls should have progressed more. Then again, maybe the problem is partly in my joy-cons, as I did have one instance of a random disconnect. There is certainly a trick to it, you need a certain "snap" for everything to register properly, but there are still instances where everything feels right and I'm like "Why'd that miss?". On the other hand, it doesn't care if you throw the wrong punch. Every time I've accidentally thrown a straight when I should have thrown an uppercut, it still registers "perfect" (so long as the timing was right). It ends up feeling similar to playing Samba de Amigo on Wii, which I personally thought was a blast. However, I would miss notes I should not have, and magically somehow make notes that I knew I missed frequently. I don't see this as a deal breaker, but it can be frustrating and is certainly something to be aware of.

Day six added ducks. No, not the cute winged creatures that frequent the same places geese do. The game has you bend your knees doing a quick little squat, or "it's just a small bounce" as the trainer is fond of saying. While this was another mechanic I didn't always get to register properly, it actually added a lot of fun to the game. Unfortunately, it also reminded me that my joints are old, as this caused pain in them that was not the good kind of exercise-y pain. When I told my girlfriend about that, she said I should be wearing shoes.

My girlfriend is wise. Day seven added side ducks. Pretty fun. This time, I wore shoes. That helped the pain a LOT. This workout however caused the most "good" pain yet. The front of my legs between my knee and hips was very achy all day, making sitting down and standing up surprisingly difficult. I guess I've never used those muscles before. My girlfriend says she thinks those are my "quads". I dunno.

Okay, well now I'm going to give my conclusions like some proper type of review.

Graphics: Hot chick standing in front of patterns of color, 7/10

Sound: That chick keeps saying the same stuff every day "Stay focused until the end!" she sounds kinda robotic. If you like dancey pop songs on loop, you'll love the music. Especially if you love what sounds like MIDI versions of those songs, cos that's what you're getting. 6/10

Gameplay: Fun, but flakey controls. 8/10

Overall: Every day this game has given me a "fitness age" of twenty-something. 10/10 (Not an average)

Afterthoughts: Today, the seventh day, I had a major hemmorhoid flare-up. I don't know if that's related to the workout, but I thought you should know. You're welcome. 

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About Damien Quicksilverone of us since 8:25 PM on 12.22.2018

Near the beginning of the millennium, I wrote an opinion column titled "My Twenty-Five Cents" in a short lived zine titled "Classic Gamer Magazine" iirc. I used the pen name "Damien Quicksilver" at the time. I get thoughts about gaming that I feel the urge to write about from time to time, so this is something of a reprisal I suppose. If there is somehow anyone out there who remembers that zine, that would be amazing. It was made with a group of folks I met in rec.games.video.classic on Usenet. If there is somehow anyone out there who remembers what Usenet is, you're old. If you don't know what Usenet was, it was basically the cretaceous period equivalent of Reddit.