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LONG BLOG

Gaming's Beautiful People #3: Waifu Wars Edition (Bloggers Wanted)

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I wasn't planning on writing a third Gaming's Beautiful People yet but having seen the devastation wrought by the Waifu Wars, I have decided to take a stand. No more, I say. No more shall Dtoiders go to bed, sobbing into their body pillows.  No more shall someone be on the receiving end of a vicious chinese burn, just because they questioned the beauty of another Dtoider's imaginary spouse. It's time to settle things with hard science and so, drawing upon Destructoid readers' own waifu choices and with the aid of Prettyscale.com, it's time to discover once and all... who is the prettiest waifu of them all? 


#10 Naoto Shirogane (Persona 4)

Bringing up the rear is Naoto Shirogane from Persona 4. I haven't played the game itself but as far as I can gather, she's a saucer-eyed female version of Peter Falk's Columbo, with a fancy hat. Yet while her detective skills may be beyond compare, Prettyscale.com doesn't take these into account. Instead, it dings her for her various perceived imperfections, classing her appearance as anything but arresting. 


9. Mettaton (Undertale)

Poor old Mettaton - first he's bested by a child and now this. I'm not sure how he ended up on this list - I suspect no small amount of hacking may have been involved - but even his legendary legs can't save him from Prettyscale's merciless judgement. Perhaps, on reflection, I should have had Prettyscale assess those separately. Still, he has to at least take some of the blame, because of his emo-esque decision to cover one eye with his hair, leading to his alleged 'bad face symmetry.'


8. Catherine (Catherine)

Catherine may have led many a man astray with her supernatural wiles, but she can't deceive the web's foremost face-assessing website. Or can she? While she may have been ranked as 'ugly',  the site fails to pick up on her oversized occuli. No doubt her father will be incandesent about this judgement - someone at Prettyscale may find themselves thrown under the succubus.


7. Ganondorf (Legend of Zelda series)

One of the more unusual waifu selections, Gandondorf at least ensures that at least one redhead crops up in this top ten. He's also the first entrant to have a 'normal' mouth, although the pallor of his skin suggests that someone further back along his bloodline may have had a dalliance with the Incredible Hulk.  Granted, Prettyscale's ranked him as 'ugly', but with his reputation, would you really want to call him 'pretty' to his face?


6. Lulu (Final Fantasy X) 

Appearing in Final Fantasy X and X-2 - not to be confused with the far smuttier Final Fantasy XXX - Lulu is the first of our waifu's not to be deemed 'ugly' by Prettyscale. Like Mettaton, she may have lost a few points due to her emo-style eye-covering hairstyle. Surprisingly, those pink items attached to hears are not ear-rings but are in fact the pieces of her skull that she dislodged when she inadvertently pushed her hair-sticks into her cranium. 


5. Claire (Thomas Was Alone)

PrettyScale.com once again proves its prescience and is able to look beneath the veneer of Claire's square blue surface to see her true face. A beautiful face. A memorable face. It's hard to argue with the site's assessment Claire's face as being a teeny bit too wide but with corners like those.... 'not too bad' indeed.


4. Poison (Final Fight / Street Fighter)

Poison settles in at number four, having left heel marks in many of the opposition. Her inclusion may be a little surprising due to the fact that she has something of a secret. Though initially denied by Capcom themselves, the belt she wears in the above picture is in fact the only thing keeping her head attached to her neck. The Japanese version of Final Fight was quite explicit in stating that she had been decapitated in a motorcycle accident and her head would gruesomely detach when she was defeated. Yet this feature was removed from the western release, to avoid controversy. 


3. Bayonetta (Bayonetta / Super Smash Brothers ) 

What could be hotter than a leggy, glasses-wearing, raven-haired witch who can kick ass? A leggy, glasses-wearing, raven-haired witch who can kick ass whose head isn't massively out of proportion to her body in a genuinely disturbing way. Seriously - it's as if Princess Langwidere/Mombi from the Wizard of Oz left her heads in the washing machine and they all shrank. Still, since Prettyscale works primarily on headshots, this doesn't cost her any points and as a result, she blasts her way through the other waifus and ends up at number three. And I have to live with the terrifying recurring nightmare of her breaking into my house and stealing my head to replace her own tiny doll-like one. 


2. Yennifer (The Witcher) 

Yennifer hails from the Stephenie Meyer school of switching some of the letters in your name around just to look unique. She's a magic user who, aside from being a badass in her own right, serves as a potential love interest for grizzled Geralt of Rivia in The Witcher 3. Though CD Projekt cut the scene where she explains to Geralt that you can't give yourself a job title just by randomly slapping 'er' on the end of other words, nor can you name yourself after a Spanish holiday destination. 


1. Elizabeth (BioShock Infinite)

Finally, after a long and protracted battle, one victor stands aloft the other imaginary corpses. One victor to end the Waifu War and to be universally acknowledged as the Alpha Waifu. And best of all, given her multiversal status, there's plenty of her to go around. Our final victor is Bioshock's Elizabeth, a women who could wrap you round her little finger. Sadly, taking her on as a waifu does come with certain hazards. Several Dtoiders have already been hospitalized when, upon hearing the words.. 'Catch!' they turned around only to be hit in the forehead by a random object. Until this issue can be resolved, it's advised that all Elizabeth waifus be equipped with boxing gloves to avoid further injuries. 

So that, then, is it. Hopefully this will see an end to the Waifu Wars and we can all get back to the more serious business of lamenting the terrible state of AAA gaming companies. Or, heaven forfend, should you still maintain that your waifu is the waifu-iest, comment below. 

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About ChrisHannardone of us since 4:27 PM on 09.03.2015