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Cblogs of 10/26/12 and Mangasms


Lately, I've felt real distant from you guys; like how EA must feel with the hardcore demographic and people who like games with complicated words like "Synapse" and "The" in them. Everyone is talking about Borderlands 2 these days, and I feel like Bart Simpson did on snow day, watching through my basement window as I try to keep from being distracted by your frolicking, collective love for one anothers game penises. G penis.

Well, not anymore. Because I just got paid, and now I'm down with the crew and cool as hell in the way only an aging white male can be; very slightly. I had a choice to buy Borderlands 2 and Guild Wars 2, and so I created a complex mathematical algorithm to determine which one had more gameplay, and would be more worth my sixty dollars. I'll print it below so you can see it.


It didn't end up telling me much since I instantly remembered that I don't even know what an algorithm is, and that I just really like saying algorithm. So instead I just bought Guild Wars 2 anyways because Angry Joe gave it a really stellar review, and honestly, I usually don't like that guy. If Angry Joe can sell me on a product, it has to be good.

Well Joe, you were right. Guild Wars is the first coming of MMO space Jesus. It's really incredible.

Now, I can't give it a fair shot yet because really, I've only invested a few hours into it. But unlike, oh, every other MMO ever made in the history of the universe, those first few hours didn't bore me to death and make me start considering reading Lady Chatterly's Lover instead for a few brief, dark moments before admitting to myself that I was a sucker for punishment and carrying on to level 10. I'm looking at you, starting area for humans in WoW before the Cataclysm update.

Here is a sequential list of things that happen in the first five minutes of Guild Wars 2

1. Everything

Before you even have time for the game to tell you that WASD moves your character like you are some kind of fucking idiot who hasn't been forced to do this shit a thousand times, the game is throwing you into the fray. Your first major encounter is with a giant earth elemental, and from there, you are helping people around the countryside. I started as a human, so this will obviously differ depending on your race and such, but that was my experience.

GW2 knows what it is, and it doesn't pretend. MMO's started out as virtual worlds you could inhabit, where there was some RPG shit to be done. MUD's and games like Ultima Online half expected you to be roleplaying and creating your own stories, while providing you big worlds full of tough enemies with which to grind your ass off on. WoW wanted to be something more of a game, so while it did this, the focus became on quests and PvP. it got rid of a lot of the more interactive elements (which Everquest already murdered entirely) and a weird culmination was born; it was a game where you existed in some giant world, but in which the only real thing you could do was killin' mobs. There was crafting and all those goodies, and some pretty fun quests to be done, but this was an RPG on a global scale, not the virtual world Richard Garriott had originally envisioned the genre should be.

Oh and then after WoW, everyone just copied the fuck out of that model until we were all red in the face. Asian MMO's focused almost exclusively on grind, and the only ones I can think of that tried to be unique were Dark Age of Camelot and Dungeons and Dragons Online, due to heavier focus on roleplaying in the former, and some really unique dungeons in the latter.

And then there was that fucking Star Wars game.

Anyways, Guild Wars 2 is a smart MMO. It takes all the best parts of every MMO, and attempts to eliminate the rest. I knew the game was trying to trick me into thinking I wasn't doing fetch quests early on by giving me multiple fetch quests AT A TIME instead, but that was okay with me. Since no matter what I was doing, I would always find myself with a group of players every few minutes trying to complete some task, I felt immersed and surprised. Although I'm not a fan of storylines in MMO's, the instances and story quests in the game are interesting enough that I am compelled to keep working my way through them. And combat is a total gas; standing there and doing jack shit but hit the 1 key isn't going to get you anywhere. I have had several fights where because I was doing things in a tactically sensible way, I was able to take down bosses that would have otherwise pummeled me into oblivion. It's a really fantastic experience.

So yeah, I'm just like you guys now. I play the new games. So what do you think about-

Oh this one is already old news, isn't it?

Well, shit.

* - A cool look back at some difficult boss fights. TroyFullBuster, you forgot to mention Lu Bu! There, I just made your already good article even more relevant. You're welcome!

A - I want to see more games come out where you need to draw a map or take notes on paper in order to proceed. I have a feeling that the ManWithNoName would have no problem with this either.

A - I can totally get behind this plea for publishers to SLOW THE F DOWN and stop releasing ten hundred bajillion DLC packs, games, etc, so we can actually catch up with some of this shit.

A - Some deep issues going on, journalistic integrity called into question, and that asshole who hosts that dumb ass video game award show with a mustache drawn on his face. You are compelled to read more after all that I'll bet; you should be.

A - Otenko writes about Game Over screens in video games. English is not his first language so please keep that in mind. Welcome to Destructoid, dude!

C - LogicallyDashing is leaving. On the one hand, while I found his articles to be mostly innoffensive, he clearly didn't give two shits OR a fuck about this community. When you come in here, you need to be prepared to involve yourself, to communicate; I even feel bad that I haven't had the time to do so lately. I consider you all my internet friends who I will probably never met; LD considered you unique page hits. So, vote for me. Wait, what was I talking about again?

F - Sum FNF PC all up in yo grill!

F - FNF PS3 is here with slightly lower resolution and longer loading times!

P - Nice to see a preview for this one. I was reluctant being a bit of a DF snob, but it seems like Game of Dwarves is looking to capture a different kind of audience. And that is always alright!

T - Sequels sequels everywhere! Games created without care. Need to innovate, but how? Guess it's time to reboot now!

T - FUCKING MERYL. Why couldn't they give your codec in game, you bitch? THAT'S why I let you die!! THAT'S why I gave up immediately when the torture started!!

R - 3D movies are balls. Everytime I watch them, I get a headache. A bad movie in 3D is even worse because you also have to watch a bad movie. This one in particular looks like a double helping of awful.

V - I am so much more forgiving of videos now that you can embed them. CountZeroOR talks about Nintendo Power, which we all now miss.

F - Eat my very tiny penis please. Eat and enjoy.

S - In the first five minutes of Dead Space, I shit myself. After reading this blog, I shit myself. I wonder if the two or related or if I just have bowel problems?

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About CblogRecapsone of us since 11:27 PM on 07.02.2008

About Cblog Recaps

Mondays - Lord Spencer
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Reserve Recappers:
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Current "Bloggers Wanted" assignment
Fake it until you make it

This month's bloggers wanted prompt is something we stole. You see, by stealing this idea, you have no idea how truly inept I actually am. By pretending to know what I'm doing, I have clearly used my ill-gotten status to meet such big-time celebrities as Darlington Woolie "Pie Stealer" Madden or Sara from [insert pixel indie game studio here].

This month's bloggers wanted was inspired by the internal enjoyment we had at reading TheBlondeBass' promoted blog on faking conversational anime knowledge. And now it seems as good a time as ever to pretend to know what's going on since the new Fate/Grand Order game launched and qtoid is talking about it. I am a big fan of the character design of Artoria in the blue dress, or Artoria in the suit, or Artoria in the red dress. But seriously, we enjoyed the format so much that we want to ask the community for their own ideas at faking it at all sorts of things.

But this prompt is not just for anime, of course. The video game industry is fractured with all sorts of niche interests that only an insane rich person with no job could realistically know everything about. This month's bloggers wanted is about taking a subject you want to offer advice on faking knowledge about in order to help the greater community, for better or for worse. If this doesn't sound serious, don't worry, you're not supposed to take it seriously. You don't have to be an expert in whatever you talk about any more than Bass is an expert in anime.

I seriously don't know if that was a compliment or an insult.

Offer advice on anything you can expand your mind on. Want to help people get into character action games? The more Ss you put into its grading system, the cooler it is! Want to convince people to get into the Neptunia series? Just say "Nep-Nep!" and you're all set to convince people of your technical knowledge! Can you get someone into RTS game by just talking about your APM? Someone's bound to believe some random technical jargon you made up!

To get started, start a blog and title it "Faking it: [your blog title here]." Then you can be as serious or facetious as you want as you provide advice on any number of things: learning how to play fighting games, trying a long-running franchise you've probably neglected, or even explaining a game's timeline. Heck, you can probably seriously try on that last one and we still wouldn't believe you.

Good luck this month. Only true cowards rely on facts. Real heroes pretend to know what they're doing!

Current Community Contests
PREPARE TO CONTEST - The Master Gaming List Birthday Giveaway!

Good Morning/Evening/Yesterday, my Friends/Robots/INSERT WAIFU HERE,

More or less a week ago, the Master Gaming List turned one year old. I had a speech prepared, but the blog editor ate it four or five times over the last few days, so I'm kind of winging it now.

Despite all of the threatening and cajoling I initially made to get you all on the list, I never imagined I'd still be adding names a year later (and by "you all", I mostly mean GajKnight). It was kind of a ridiculous undertaking at first, trying to make a semi-permanent, easily-updatable list of everyone's contact info. I'm not even sure what everyone was being hyped over last year that got me to do this.

That said, I'm glad it came together, and this list has lead to many other things for me on Destructoid; whether it was me becoming our laziest, cuddliest Community Manager, or our laziest, cuddliest Reviews-type-person, I have always enjoyed the full love and support of this community.

In thanks, and with the assistance of quite a few others, I've gathered up a number of game keys to give away to you all.

The Contest

I've never run a contest before, so let's keep things simple. Write me a haiku about your favorite game.


1. The haiku must not include the title of the game.

2. I will accept any other form of structured poetry if you are unable to haiku but can iambic pantameter (you monster).

3. Please state what key you are going for, and a backup if that one is taken (admittedly, it's quantity over variety here)

4. The tentative end date of the contest will be August 13th, and will be bumped at least once during that time.

Available Keys

-Aporia: Beyond The Valley (Multiple Keys)
-The Witness
-Citadel: Forged With Fire (Multiple Keys)

Thank you to all 282 of you who have made the Master List a successful project over the past year! I will continue updating it into the forseeable future.

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