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LONG BLOG

C Blogs of 08/19/14 + Wrenchisms

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Took a dip into the weird end of Steam lately. Goat Simulator, Five Nights at Freddy's, Jazzpunk. I can feel my brains sliding out of my ears as we speak.



Goat Simulator is ridiculous and it knows it. Mixing parts of Tony Hawk's Pro Skater with dada-ists sense of humour and a distinctly “Euro-dev” look and feel, they created something weird and wonderful and bizarre. Everything feels like it's held together with shoestrings and hope, with bouncy physics and simple AI. Things “break” constantly. Leave your spastic rocket-pack on a little too long and your goat will get a stretched out Slenderman look. Fire enough softballs at the townsfolk from the automatic pitcher you got stuck in your back and the game sputters and slows to a crawl. Cause a big enough explosion and the whole damn thing goes haywire. I'm not even sure if “breaking” is the right way to describe it. The game basically exists in a constant state of “mildly broken” and it's genuinely hard to tell sometimes if something is “broken” broken, or “broken as intended”. 

It's fantastic and delightful. A playpen filled with small distractions, dumb goofs, and one-off oddities. It's a pure play experience like you don't often see in today's big budget, heavily scripted, theme-park attraction type games. I'm not saying Goat Simulator is a “good” game, but I will say it's a “fun” one, and that might matter more in the long run.



I bought Five Nights at Freddy's at the request of my girlfriend after she saw a few minutes of it on a Let's Play. I guess it's true, sometimes you hurt the ones you love.

Freddy's is weird. Like really weird. The basic premise is that you're the new Night Watchman of essentially a haunted (?) Chucky Cheese knock-off restaurant. Only you're not really worried about buglers or vandals, you're there to keep an eye on the attractions, the animatronic cast that has the peculiar habit of roaming the halls of the restaurant late and night and attacking anyone they come across. 

It almost seems safer to NOT have a Night Watchman at a certain point and just let them prance about.

From the entirely unsafe haven of the security room, it is your job to monitor the multiple poorly placed, and wholly unreliable, security cameras placed around the joint and make sure Freddy and friends aren't creeping up on you or getting into any other kind of mischief. They don't like to be watched and won't move if they know you're looking (how they know is a spoooooooky mystery naturally) so you're basically staring down these creepy mother fuckers as they lurk just outside your door. Did I mention you have limited battery power? The more you use the cameras, lights, and electronically locked doors, the faster you burn down the juice. Run out before 6:00 am and you're mascot-chow. 

Freddy's is super crazy. Kind of annoying to play to be honest, but what a killer idea. Probably worth the $5 I threw at it, and definitely worth it come the inevitable Steam sale where it will probably move for 99 cents. Keep it in the back of your mind next to all the other skeletons and centipedes and remember it when your looking for a spooking. 



Lastly, I've finally played a little bit of Jazzpunk.

Hey everyone? GO BUY JAZZPUNK.

I almost don't want to talk about it very much right now, I feel like I probably have a blog in me about it. I will say this though, I've never been more delighted by an aesthetic or opening movie. Five minutes in and I was already declaring Jazzpunk GOTY. 

* - In the great legacy of worthy Batman games, it's pretty much Batman for the NES, a huge long drought of terrible games you should never touch, and then Arkham Asylum. It took a long time for video games to do THE BAT right.

* - Glowbear shares her experience with depression and some advice. It can be educating and even helpful to play some of these empathy games, but be careful not to wallow in the depression miasma. After a certain point, you might be doing more harm than good.

S - Mark your calenders, its the anniversary of Too Human! Celebrate by treating yourself to a unskippable two minute long cinematic.

A - I love how nobody really seemed to care all that much about the Tomb Raider reboot until it became an Xbox exclusive, now there is a huge outcry. I remember the last TR coming out to modest fan reception and respectable, but not mind-blowing, sales. But hey, it's something to be upset about.

A - Fenriff looks back at the Breath of Fire series and sees which ones have held up, and which are best left to sweet, sweet memory.

A - This is kind of a wall of text, but the gist is “be excellent to one another.”





T - I will always check out cool free indie games. A sprite based modern Wing Commander rip-off seems like just the right ticket.

R - It's true that every story has two sides and you shouldn't believe everything you hear. That said, I think it gets hard to justify some of the shit going on in Ferguson. The whole “wait till you hear both sides of the story, btw, we won't produce the autopsy report for over a week and we're kicking out reporters, so just trust whatever we say when it's all over” seems real crazy to me. Whatever, this isn't the place to get into this kind of thing, but I didn't want to just recap this without commenting.

L - Oh Nintendo, such rascals.




- Recorded footage of me playing Freddy's



-Wrenchfarm
FPotD
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About CblogRecapsone of us since 11:27 PM on 07.02.2008

About Cblog Recaps

Schedule:
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Current "Bloggers Wanted" assignment
Fake it until you make it

This month's bloggers wanted prompt is something we stole. You see, by stealing this idea, you have no idea how truly inept I actually am. By pretending to know what I'm doing, I have clearly used my ill-gotten status to meet such big-time celebrities as Darlington Woolie "Pie Stealer" Madden or Sara from [insert pixel indie game studio here].

This month's bloggers wanted was inspired by the internal enjoyment we had at reading TheBlondeBass' promoted blog on faking conversational anime knowledge. And now it seems as good a time as ever to pretend to know what's going on since the new Fate/Grand Order game launched and qtoid is talking about it. I am a big fan of the character design of Artoria in the blue dress, or Artoria in the suit, or Artoria in the red dress. But seriously, we enjoyed the format so much that we want to ask the community for their own ideas at faking it at all sorts of things.

But this prompt is not just for anime, of course. The video game industry is fractured with all sorts of niche interests that only an insane rich person with no job could realistically know everything about. This month's bloggers wanted is about taking a subject you want to offer advice on faking knowledge about in order to help the greater community, for better or for worse. If this doesn't sound serious, don't worry, you're not supposed to take it seriously. You don't have to be an expert in whatever you talk about any more than Bass is an expert in anime.

I seriously don't know if that was a compliment or an insult.

Offer advice on anything you can expand your mind on. Want to help people get into character action games? The more Ss you put into its grading system, the cooler it is! Want to convince people to get into the Neptunia series? Just say "Nep-Nep!" and you're all set to convince people of your technical knowledge! Can you get someone into RTS game by just talking about your APM? Someone's bound to believe some random technical jargon you made up!

To get started, start a blog and title it "Faking it: [your blog title here]." Then you can be as serious or facetious as you want as you provide advice on any number of things: learning how to play fighting games, trying a long-running franchise you've probably neglected, or even explaining a game's timeline. Heck, you can probably seriously try on that last one and we still wouldn't believe you.

Good luck this month. Only true cowards rely on facts. Real heroes pretend to know what they're doing!



Current Community Contests
PREPARE TO CONTEST - The Master Gaming List Birthday Giveaway!

Good Morning/Evening/Yesterday, my Friends/Robots/INSERT WAIFU HERE,

More or less a week ago, the Master Gaming List turned one year old. I had a speech prepared, but the blog editor ate it four or five times over the last few days, so I'm kind of winging it now.

Despite all of the threatening and cajoling I initially made to get you all on the list, I never imagined I'd still be adding names a year later (and by "you all", I mostly mean GajKnight). It was kind of a ridiculous undertaking at first, trying to make a semi-permanent, easily-updatable list of everyone's contact info. I'm not even sure what everyone was being hyped over last year that got me to do this.

That said, I'm glad it came together, and this list has lead to many other things for me on Destructoid; whether it was me becoming our laziest, cuddliest Community Manager, or our laziest, cuddliest Reviews-type-person, I have always enjoyed the full love and support of this community.

In thanks, and with the assistance of quite a few others, I've gathered up a number of game keys to give away to you all.

The Contest

I've never run a contest before, so let's keep things simple. Write me a haiku about your favorite game.

Rules

1. The haiku must not include the title of the game.

2. I will accept any other form of structured poetry if you are unable to haiku but can iambic pantameter (you monster).

3. Please state what key you are going for, and a backup if that one is taken (admittedly, it's quantity over variety here)

4. The tentative end date of the contest will be August 13th, and will be bumped at least once during that time.

Available Keys

-Stellaris
-Aporia: Beyond The Valley (Multiple Keys)
-The Witness
-Citadel: Forged With Fire (Multiple Keys)
-Armello
-Undertale
-ABZU

Thank you to all 282 of you who have made the Master List a successful project over the past year! I will continue updating it into the forseeable future.


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