I know I told myself I wouldn't pick up anymore fighters. I know I'll never get deep enough into another one to really appreciate it. I know it's always a waste of time...
But dammit, Darkstalkers let's me play as a motherfucking Pharaoh.
- Holy shit, my chevrons are locking.
I can't say much for the mechanics of the game, but I LOVE the cast. An all-star collection of movie monsters and folklore legends all beating the snot out of each other for typically nebulous fighting game plot reasons. It's glorious. Seriously, why did this game never catch on like so many other fighters? It's like Capcom was secretly Arksys before Arksys was Arksys.
All the greats are represented. Vampires, wolfmen, yeti, sexy-vampire ladies, robot-golem dudes, the roster reads like the liner notes from my high school garage band's unproduced, unrecorded, partially written, and wholly under-appreciated debut album. But as I was tooling around the character select screen, I couldn't help but notice a few absentees, some notable monsters that are missing from the mash. If you're gonna have a game based on monsters fighting each other, how can you miss the best?
The Gelatinous Cube >
It's just not a party without a Slime Monster of some sort, and what better choice than the iconic D&D lethal cube of Jello? Now granted, as a fighting game character the Gelatinous Cube leaves a bit to be desired. It doesn't have any arms or legs to punch and kick with, and as far as I can remember the Monster Manual never mentioned anything about fireballs. The Cube's normal modus operandi is to slowly roam narrow hallways and rooms, hoping to absorb any slow or possibly crippled adventurer into it's mass where he will be slowly (and agonizingly) dissolved. So, its big, slow, and can kill you with one touch if it gets too close. Can you say best grappler character ever? Like Zangief, but with more right angles.
The Krampus >
In some cultures, Santa leaves a lump of coal to humiliate naughty children. In Germanic folklore, his sidekick the Krampus snatches them up in his kidnapping basket and whips the ever living shit out of them with a switch of birch branches.
Thanks for the future-trauma of my children Germany!
We need the Krampus in the next Darkstalkers game if for nothing else than the super creepy fanart he'll inspire.
King Kong >
So Darkstalkers has a bunch of the big Universal monsters. Mummies, vampires, Frankenstein's monster, even a swamp-creature. Sure, that's great. But are they really gonna sit right there and tell us they forgot about the big dog? Or should I say the big gorilla?
It is a well established fact that I want to fight an ape. Trotting out all these classic monsters while denying me my destiny is just insulting. Step it up Capcom. His super move can be snatching a old timey bi-plane out of the sky and hucking it at his opponent; burning wings, screaming pilot and all. There, that one was free Capcom, GET TO IT.
The Invisible Man >
Speaking of classic Universal monsters, where is the Invisible Man? Really, where is he?
Get it? Because you can't see him? Dear God I hate myself...
The Invisible Man would not only be a great reference for classic horror fans, it would also be a good cost saving solution for Capcom. Have him toss the coat and hat away as part of his pre-fight intro and the rest is free. Really save on that animation budget.
Don't look at me crooked. This is the same company that built an entire empire out of a group of identical karate dudes in different coloured gi. They know how to save money.
The Loch Ness monster is all played out these days, the real tourist trap- er, cryptozoological discovery is Canada's own Ogopogo.
A giant sea-serpent said to haunt Okanagan Lake in British Columbia. Ogopogo has the distinction of appearing in a small number of poorly focused photographs and suspicious "home-videos" and on an inversely numberous truckload of kitschy travel sovereigns. He's a hometown favourite, even if he probably, sorta, likely, doesn't actually exist.
But hey, some researchers have postulated that it might be real and might be a type of primitive Basilosaurus, a goddamn dinosaur whale. How cool is that? It's like a two-fer, dinosaur and sea-monster.
Now I'm not saying Ogopogo should be in a Darkstalkers game to test the waters on a Dino-Crisis reboot. I'm just heavily implying it.
Immortal King of the Night, Eternal King of my heart. Blackula could Midnight Bliss me any night of the week.
In case you've been living under a rock or just waiting on NieR: Automata (thanks for the delay Amazon!), Nintendo just launched its newest console. Whether it's a success or a failure remains to be seen, but many people have bought themselves this shiny new console for their home. It's been a while since we've seen this sheer amount of excitement over a console, and a Nintendo one, no less, considering the amount of goodwill they probably have since the Wii U.
But the QP has been having endless buzz over the Switch, despite concerns over hardware faults in the Joy-Con or cheaply produced docks. Personally, I'd love one despite the lack of software on day one. I mean, I could play Zelda while at work. And not a handheld Zelda either. A proper, huge console-designed Zelda! Asides from that, it's all about the love of having shiny new tech in your hands. So that's what this month's bloggers wanted will be about: console launches, the hype and the release into getting it into your hands.
To participate, title your blog "Let's Do Launch: [your title here]" and use the "Bloggers Wanted" tag, and in a general sense, talk about your favorite launches. We've had the PS4 and Xbone years back but were we genuinely excited or just looking forward to it? Or how about where you were when the GameCube released? Don't worry too much about celebrating the exact launch date, either. I still clearly remember the time I got my Sega Genesis from Costco, complete in a bundle with Ecco the Dolphin and Donald Duck's QuackShot.
Don't worry about being positive or timely. Did you grow up to see the Vectrex launch? Go ahead and enlighten us youngins about how much of a love/hate relationship you may or may not have. Still rocking an Ngage? I'm sure you are. So how did it feel to purchase such a mistake of the universe? Go ahead and let us know, and eventually, we'll get around to promoting it to the front page!
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