Hi! I'm new here guys! How do I shot web? How babby get formed? I am 12 and what is this?
And a host of other classic internet memes, brought to you by your host, Troy McClure.
Terrible Intros aside, I'm new as an intern editor but I'm certainly no stranger to the Destructoid community.
DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM?
Probably not. But if you've been lurking around the comments, chat, and community forums you may have seen my old avatar/username pop up quite often and sometimes quite annoyingly.
Some phrases you may have uttered upon seeing me include (but are not limited to:)
"Oh that guy again, what's his deal?" and "Oh, here comes that a**hole" and even "LOL COCKS!"
So who am I, exactly? Read on and find out!
I. Games I Play
Why have I chosen to write for Destructoid about videogames? This may surprise you. Did you know
that 1 in 5 video game bloggers actually play videogames? FACT.
I too play videogames! Yes, this may be pretty shocking, I know. I also like writing about them!
The best part? I live in San Francisco! Awesome!
Now I am an expert on video games and all of my opinions are actually fact. YES.
Here are some more FACTS:
My favorite video game ever is Dark Cloud 2
. Yeah, I said it. The one with the anime kids and the easy world-building and some fishing and golf minigame sidequests that are for babies and stupid people.
However, I also love Fallout 3
! Which may also include babies, though they are probably of the more dead variety.
If I were to list every game that I play obsessively or have ever played obsessively, I'd pretty much just give up actually writing any more of this post.
BECAUSE THERE ARE A LOT OF THEM GUYS, THAT'S THE JOKE!
II. Games as "Art" Debate
This has been a debate that has raged on ever since Custer's Revenge
for the Atari 2600 came to the market and consumers were shocked, surprised, and perhaps even a little stimulated at the amazingly true portrayal of the awful hardships that Native American women had to endure by the White man.
Encompassing in scope, lurid in visual design, and impactful in expressing it's strong message to an audience of young and impressionable children, Custer's Revenge
paved the way for the newest form of art, VIDEO GAMES!
Soon to follow were other such artful games as Night Trap
for the Sega CD, Zelda's Adventure
for Phillip's CD-i, and Boong-Ga Boong
, seen in Japanese arcades.
These games are the shining beacon on the hill, they are the archetype of artistic video games for all others to follow and look up to. If you're not in agreement, I may argue that you have no taste and should never step foot into a Museum of Modern Art.
However, if you are with me, I would even go further to say that Video Games are to Digital Art just as Jackson Pollock is to Canvas Art and Marcel Duchamp is to Urinal Art!
Truly, many things are considered art.
III. Personal Agendas (lol)
Now, we've come to the most important part of this introductory post. Who the hell am I, seriously?
Well, if you've been keeping score - I used to go by the Destructoid username "Rigby"...
(Long and Awkward Pause)
Oh...oh wait. You mean that gay dude? Who got all bitchy and ranty whenever anyone challenged assumptions about "teh gays lol"
Yeah, yeah. Gay agenda. Degradation of Christianity and Modern Society. Etc, etc etc...
I only post this part because it happens to tangentially relate to who I've lurked as in the Destructoid forums. This way, when the huge scandal erupts about the real 'Casey Baker', it'll pretty much be old news.
Most likely, you don't care and wonder why I bring it up! That's great! Either do I. :)
How does this relate to video games and any discussions I may have about video games?
IT DOESN'T!! :D
The only way it may relate is to Mass Effect 3
or other games that do have a same sex option - that is, if I bother writing an actual article about them and about that option and about how realistically gays are portrayed in context, blah blah blah...
However - do I personally care about whether games should have gay characters as much as straight characters?
Not really! I happen to love Alyx Vance and would have babies with her because she is an awesome video game character, and she also loves me even though I'm a violent deaf mute! <3<3<3
That's the great thing about video games. You can place yourself in the existence of entirely different characters with backgrounds all of their own. Have I characteristically tried to only get the gay option in a video game if I've had the choice? Nope! Usually through the second playthrough I'll try it, though options as a gay character are pretty limited and often pretty absurdly stereotypical.
But the point isn't about sexual orientations of video game characters! It's about the games!
What I will most often write about is this:
Is this game fun, or is it not fun?
So stand confident in the knowledge that as I am writing, this is pretty much ALWAYS generally what is going through my head:
OMG, Should I write about how there aren't enough PONIES in the Elder Scrolls series? I mean seriously, also that costume design of the furrykin or whatever those tigers (rawrr) are called is just ATROCIOUS, EWWW. Can't they just have FABULOUS colors and maybe a rainbow paw badge on their shirts? And let's talk about those muscle-bound Nordic warriors! Rarrr!
...Or you know, probably not.
I just like games. :3
IV. My First Review!
Here is my review of a video game called "Haunting Starring Polterguy" for the Sega Genesis:
Haunting Starring Polterguy is a game for the genesis. It is a game where you play a poltergeist who is called Polterguy. In the game, you are haunting the house of a family called the Sardinis. I think that is a racist reference to Sicilians and I am offended because I get offended pretty easily! Anyhow, the Sardinis are rich and snobby and they suck. So as Polterguy you wander around and make everyday furniture HaUnTeD...OoOoOooo. Also sometimes you make the Sardinis pee their pants and it is funny!
According to The Internet
, "The Haunting Starring Polterguy" is made by EA games, who are most notable for also making "One on One: Dr. J vs. Larry Bird." which is a game about basketball.
The goal of the game "The Haunting Starring Polterguy" is to keep scaring the Sardinis away. They are really annoying though because they don't get scared easily when they move to new houses. I got to the third house and then I threw my controller because they were not scared by ANYTHING! My favorite animation happens when you go in the toilet and then a HAND comes out of the toilet, who would have thought that would happen! Ha ha ha ha.
I like this game because you are a zombie ghost and they are cool!
: 9.5/10 Superb:
9s are a hallmark of excellence. There may be flaws, but they are negligible and won't cause massive damage to what is a supreme example of its genre.
So guys, am I a writer for Destructoid now?
LOOK WHO CAME: