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Comments of the Week 55: As My Wallet Gently Weeps


The Aftermath of the Storm

Hello again Destructoid! Xeo here once again come at your eyeballs fresh off of E3. There's been a lot of ground to cover this week so I apologize if I missed one of your gems. The site was exploding with activity and flowing over the brim with choice cut comments. Expect a long one, because this has been a long week. Arguably the biggest week for our little vidya game hobby, right? Anyway, here's a small sample of what was a tidal wave, a monumental undertaking, but remember - I do it for YOU!



Xeo: And we're already starting off with a bang! Legend has it there was once a fellow within this community who once performed an experiment in shoving every existing Amiibo up his ass. Is this a continuation of that research or just Zeebor's fetish? Perhaps both?


Xeo: And just like that we forgot about how much we really didn't want an always online open world Survival Fallout game. It's hard not to agree with this sentiment though. CDProjektRed does what Bethesdon't!

Xeo: It's a simple concept really. But for some reason so many AAA developers cannot seem to grasp it.


Xeo: These puns are a pain in the neck. I'll forgive you guys though, because we're like family and blood is thicker than water.


Xeo: Simple math can make any purchasing decision seem like a good idea. That $6000 RealDoll? Just think of it as 12000/2 dollars. Easy! It's a little harder to explain to other humans who visit you. In terms of investment though it sure beats the price of that 400/2 dollars per hour prostitute!


Xeo: Why has no one done this yet in the Battle Royale genre? Makes perfect sense, shit is constantly being flung around online with these games anyway.


Xeo: You know you heard this in your head as you read this comment. For that I hate you RiffRaff...but for that I also love you. Had this shit stuck in my head for five days.But on the plus side now I can only think of a gigantic great white shark eating people when I hear the song.


Xeo: It's true, it's a long way to the top. But if you REALLY wanna be top dog you've gotta go the extra mile and start a console war when Sony doesn't allow cross-platform play for you. And to keep this spicy for you, #Sonydidnothingwrong.


Xeo: Some developers just want to watch the world burn. Others are working toward a global genocide of doggos. For just quarters a day you too can help save the doggos and enjoy more video games on your Nintendo Switch. That's right, for just $75 a month you can ensure - Xeo gets to play all the latest video games -every video game gets a Switch release and the puppers are saved!


Xeo: The way I heard is that Mr. X wanted this hat all along, but Capcom told him he couldn't wear it and he was lucky to have the part. There were thousands of other bio-weapons that he could be replaced with. But now that this remake is happening Mr. X became a sort of celebrity amongst the horror gaming crowd. He came into that office, slammed his hulking fist through the table and demanded that get get to wear his goddamned hat. Capcom reluctantly obliged, and now Mr. X gets to make every scene look stylish before he smashes your skull in. At least that's the way TMZ tells it.


Xeo: This excerpt from Pirates of the Caribbean On Ice The Musical: The Untold Story produced by GoofierBrute somehow didn't make the cut, despite being better than 99.8% of the cringefest that is this game's script.

Square Enix had this to say about the matter - "It just didn't fit into the idea we had for this particular title. We've went to great lengths to ensure that those emo kids from the early 2000's feel right at home with this script. While we respect GoofierBrute's creative vision, we just feel it cannot resonate well enough to be plastered across the front of our planned Kingdom Hearts III T-Shirt line coming to Hot Topic stores nation-wide next year."


Xeo: There you have it folks. The reason why we have the best community on the entire internet. I bet that baby farted when he mooned us. That's why it gave us the thumbs up, it was proud of that silent assassin fart. It owned it and it was proud of it. Though I must caution that it's probably best not to moon the baby back. While it's hilarious there are those that will try to put you on a special list that requires you to recount your deeds to your new neighbors.


Xeo: Ah, a true collector. Some people improvise their dildos by using Amiibos or Rage 2 Collector's Edition weird talking heads. Not Dere though, nothing but the best for him. Only the real thing. Truly an individual of class and taste, keeping higher standards than the rest of these peasants around here.


Xeo: It's funny because it's true. On both accounts. Well except for that Metroid trailer. But hey, you can play Fortnite on your Switch now...unless you once played it on PS4 also. Still better than Square's efforts.


Xeo: Damn straight he is! The man in green is what all men should aspire to be. Don't let the fact that his fat brother always overshadows him make you believe that he's not the absolute apex of genetic building. He's just too busy living the good life to worry about Mario's stupid adventures, which he knows in reality are just Peach and Bowser's excuse for their on-going affair. Bowser just leaves him alone, even though he knows their secret, because Luigi whooped his ass behind Peach's castle. You mess with the green, it's about to get mean.


Xeo: If the internet is one thing it's consistent. Right on time indeed. This just in: Professional Smash players will bitch about anything anyway, so in the words of Rabite, "Fuck em."


Xeo: Samus, the lady of the hour just couldn't make it to finish us off, unfortunately. She left us with blue balls and the sultry promise of "Maybe next time." Ridley swinging his dick around in Smash is the best we're gonna get for now.


Xeo: The level of quality posting during E3 was staggering. You may wonder how I was able to trim down such an exquisite list to give you only the best. The answer is simple really, a completely immature sense of humor. GOT EM!


Xeo: I swear this is the last pun. It's interesting to see games coming out trying to be Splatoon clones, or something similar anyway. You'd think there'd be a bigger bubble surrounding that type of game. Hopefully if it hapens though it doesn't get too oversaturated and pop.


Xeo: I don't even know which of these two things made me laugh more. Dragon Quest Dilders made me start to think about perveting past titles in this series though. Hand of the Heavenly Whore. Sex Workers of the Starry Skies. Realms of the Reach Around. Hell, I'll stop now.


Xeo: A question asked and then a question answered. I guess it's too bad that the Kawaii girls in the world outside of Japan were more interested in Justin Bieber and Taylor Swift than the Vita Viewmaster. Too bad really. There are so many borderline hentai games we never got in the US for the thing.


Xeo: Remember above when RiffRaff and I talked about Luigi being the picture of perfection. Need we say more? A true gentleman of great taste who is not afraid to tell you the truth even when it's the most unpopular opinion. If only we could all be like Luigi, if only.


Xeo: Destructoid's Champion indeed! This one is pure gold. Fantastic usage of a classic meme! It's even better when you hear Steve Buscemi say it aloud in your head. Go ahead, do that. I'll wait here.

Now then, how good is that?


Xeo: Hahahaha, a true blast from the past. And now it's stuck in my head. Some of you younger Dtoider's might not get this one. You should probably youtube it. OR you can just use the above advice and just imagine Steve Buscemi saying this too. Either way, you can't go wrong! AW-WEEEE-OOOO! KILLER TOFU! When's the last time you caught a hit song from The Beets in your Comments of the Week? As I said, I only bring you the very best!


Xeo: Ok, I lied about that one a little while ago being the last pun. But don't worry, I've saved the best for last. If this string of puns doesn't win you over, well then I can only assume you have the sense of humor of a wet blanket! That's a wrap!



Xeo: I have no idea what game this is, but it's one I feel all of us here should probably be playing. I agree though, it is messed up to see a giant, fine ass before you and your first instinct is to attack it. Don't be a monster like that. You gotta pace yourself and save that for at least after the first date. At least treat her to dinner first.


Xeo: Well Gus, I missed you during my CotW debut, but you delivered for me this week! You really went the distance with the puns this week! You just took it and ran with it.


Xeo: Never count out Dere either. Including this one this far into this blog has left me with a butt cramp too.


Xeo: Saved the best for last. Seriously, this is so damned good I don't really need to try to be witty here. If Nintendo doesn't include this in Smash Ultimate we're gonna have to riot.


Well folks, that's the end. I had a lot to work with during this week, the site exploded. I apolgize if I missed a real winner, but hey, I'm only one man. We can argue all day long about who won E3 this year, but I think we can all agree that Destructoid wins best community of E3 2018. Don't get too heated about Fortnite and Sony now. It's more fun to make light of a lousy situation, right? I hope you enjoyed yourself!

See you all next time!

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About COTWone of us since 9:21 PM on 05.12.2017

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