Nintendo fans mourning the loss of Club Nintendo won’t have to wait long for its replacement. According to classified documents obtained today, the successor to the points program where customers are rewarded for purchasing Nintendo products will be a series of strip clubs known as Gentleman’s Club Nintendo.
According to the document, purchasing Nintendo games and consoles will net players Donkey Kong bananas that can be stuffed into the g-stings of strippers modeled after Peach, Daisy, Rosalina, Dixie Kong, Toadette, Tharja, Gardevoir and other sexy Nintendo stars. For states that have a strict no touching policy, Gentleman’s Club Nintendo will provide Ultra-Hands for customers to use. Ladies Night will be every Wednesday and Thursday, and it will feature male revue style routines featuring Magic Mario, Not-So-Little Mac, Mr. Shake & Watch, Professor Oh-oh-Oak, Falcon Thrust and more.
Beginning this September, a Gentleman’s Club Nintendo will open in each of the 50 states. 10 will also open in Japan and each country in Europe will see between two to four clubs opening in them. Gentleman’s Club Nintendo was also set expected to open in Brazil, but the company has prematurely pulled out and now the whole situation is a huge mess.