aka... DESTRUCTOID CANCUN: You Should Probably Bring Me To Cancun With You Guys: An Essay, In Twenty Parts, For the Staff of DESTRUCTOID.COM -- CHAPTER SEVEN: We Will Be Able To Commiserate About 12 Year Olds On Xbox Live
If there's one thing I get, it's that awful feeling that you're old and cranky when you play Xbox Live. It's kind of like the guys who won at poker tournaments before Phil Hellmuth showed up and started getting in their heads-- you know, with his stupid voice and his trash-talking. The difference is, at least, at that point, that there was only one Phil Hellmuth. Now, it seems like everyone on Xbox Live is an "Xbox Brat," and it makes me feel like a very old man.
Now, like I've said before, a good ol' fart joke is a-ok by me. A series of them is fine too. What blows my mind is the sheer amount of casual hate thrown around on there-- not only in discriminatory ways (that's a completely different situation, as I'm sure x GayBoy x sadly demonstrated) but in just sheer foul language.
I know what you're thinking-- the guy who not 24 hours ago was teaching us new and exciting ways to swear is now bitching about people swearing? WHAT KIND OF MADNESS IS THIS? Yeah, yeah, I know, hypocrisy, NOOOOOOOOOOO, etc. But still. I think my issue with it is that, for one, it makes me offended because it's just so full of bile. I mean, when I say "KUSO!", how angry can I really be? I'm swearing in a language that isn't my own. That's not something you do out of hate, it's something you do for a [s]cheap[/s] laugh. It's silly. Games to me are just a laugh, online especially. I learned ten years ago from plaing counter-strike at my semi-pro friend's house that if you're on a public server, it's all a joke-- and Xbox Live is pretty much ALL pubs. So why take it to the point where you and another guy are threatening to go to each other's houses and curbstomp the shit out of each other? I wish that were an exaggeration, but it seems like something like that happens virtually every time I boot up XBL. And sometimes I'm playing, like, games that aren't curbstompy. Like Katamari. Or Uno.
Back in those ephemeral, long-lost days of PS2, I remember hearing from Xbox owners about how stupid XBL users were, and I always thought it was an exaggeration. There can't be one racist, sexist, trolling, loud-mouthed, hot-headed, scrotum-faced twelve-year old in EVERY GAME ON XBOX LIVE, can there? Sadly, it seems like there is!
The worst, though, are the unending arguments that go like this:
: I just owned you, you're a bitch! Ha ha ha!
OLDER SOUNDING KID
: Shut the fuck up, you little f****t.
: Haaaa haaa, you have no life... playing video games, what are you, 17?
OLDER SOUNDING KID
: NO, I'm only 16, fuck you n****r!
: You are a fucking loser, playing games at 16!
OLDER SOUNDING KID
: Your mom shouldn't have let you have Call of Duty, little boy.
: I'm better than you!
and on, and on, and on...
So where does that leave the rest of us, those of us whose Xbox screen name doesn't involve murder and/or weed, who are college-aged or older? Nowhere else in the world do I feel old at 23 years of age. It's madness. Surely many of Dtoid's readers and nearly all of Dtoid's staff can empathise with this, right? I mean, the shit-talking is bad enough... but a twenty-three-year-old can't rightly report somebody for being reverse-ageist. So hat do you do?
I'll tell you what you od. You grab a bottle of whiskey, go to another old geezer's house, and commiserate how back in YOUR day, "old" meant, like, 60. Not 16. And then you get drunk and play Stunt Race FX with your pants off.
Believe me on this one. It rules.
TOMORROW: You Should Probably Bring Me To Cancun With You Guys: An Essay, In Twenty Parts, For the Staff of DESTRUCTOID.COM -- CHAPTER EIGHT: By Choosing Me, You'll Be Able To Help Fill the Void In My Life Left By Broken Video Game Dreams