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Nintendo games are worse now than when on the NES, and here's why

Jack Thompson was right; sometimes games really do make me want to stab someone in the eye with a rusty titanium knife gun.

Here we are, in 2007, and games are still hocking up the most repetitive game design element known to man, so much so that were using the same Goddam designs from the NES era with hardly one iota of new innovation. With all the new adventure games coming out soon (mostly on the Wii), a tired old withered up game design element drags itself out once again...

I'm talking of course about enviroment designs.

Back in ye’ olden days of the NES, when people bought games in 10ft boxes and had to assemble them when they got home with a screwdriver that never came in the box (and if you didn’t follow the instructions exactly, BAM, you’d end up with a Goddam BIKE for Christmas morning instead), a fresh new take on video games was appearing. Mario grabbed gamers by the hair and dragged them through exciting worlds. Over the Mario games to come, players would visit such exciting worlds as:

Lava world
Ice World
Ghost World
Jungle World
Desert World
Water World

And for a time, things were good. Then Super Mario 3 came out and before we could even pick our shattered testicals off the ground from the last awe inspiring games, SM3 was one again stealing all our time, visiting such exciting worlds as:

Lava world
Ice World
Ghost World
Jungle World
Desert World
Water World

The years progressed, and soon every game from Nintendo from “Mario 64” to “Zelda: Majoras Mask” to every Donkey Kong Country game all featured the same worlds. Over and Over. But where as before the new features like sliding on Ice, melting ice, freezing lava, jumping out of quicksand by mashing the jump button and so on had drawn us in before, now there were no new ones to tie us over at all; we were just shelling out money for the same old puzzles in the same worlds over and over again. If videogames were stripjoints, we’d make people so sick of naked women, vaginas would be illegal.

That’s why I was impressed to get the new “Zelda: Twiglight Princess” game. A refreshing change! When I visited the ice world, I got to melt ice and slide around, and I got to go the jungle world, and the desert world was pretty fun…hang on a second, ITS ALL THE SAME GODDAM SHIT AGAIN.

But I am not angry. Nintendo has more tricks up its sleeve than just those few words. Mario Galaxy for example! Its set in outer-fucking-space! Finally, some new environments, OH THANK YOU JESUS! No more melting ice and freezing lava. I get to visit planets like the lava planet, the jungle planet, the ice planet….oh crap, its all the same stuff again isnt it?

But fear not! Third parties will save us! Surely they will break the mold where Nintendo is just trotting out the same old shit? Zack and Wiki – its about pirates who use flying ships - It's like a dream come true! What worlds do they have in store for us? So lets see, there is the Lava caves where you need to freeze lava (with an item you get from the ice world I bet!), the ice world where you melt ice, a jungle world, a ghost world, a desert world...ok, it’s the same 6 worlds again being used again with the same old puzzles.

What about Dewey's adventures? Goddam, its about droplets of water that ride clouds and change seasons. Please, OH PLEASE, you have to have something different right? YOU RIDE CLOUDS! To quote the video review “Visit exciting worlds like the Lava world where you freeze lava”. I’m not kidding...To continue, “visit the ice world where you need to be careful not to slide off the edge, a jungle world, a desert word” Ill save you the hassle of reading the rest by giving you a spoiler that the same 6 worlds with the same old puzzles are being trotted out again.

I’m bloody sick of it. Are these the only locations developers can think up? Are these the only puzzles they can come up with? I’m going to predict the future, right here, right now. Prepare to be amazed! Ready? Mario Galaxy 2 will feature:

Lava world
Ice World
Ghost World
Jungle World
Desert World
Water World

The next Zelda game will have these same 6 locations. Metroid and the Metroid Primes continue to pump these same levels out, where I had to – get ready for it – FREEZE LAVA! Wow! How do they come up with this shit?

It’s seriously hard to get excited for a game which has the same 6 worlds all over again, because its just hard to get excited about doing the same lava freezing, quick sand jumping, ice melting, vine swinging shit you’ve been doing since the Nes. Enough already. Really.
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About Booleanone of us since 2:25 AM on 08.09.2007


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