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LONG BLOG

Rantoid: The Zen of Yaris

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I was clearly going off the deep end. After five days of the game, if you could call it that, only taking breaks for food and classes, my eyes had become blurry, throbbing tomatoes. Time had clearly gone out the window, and outside noise had been drowned out by absence. I zoned out whatever I was hearing. There was an eerie quiet that filled the room, even as my roommate watched another episode of Law and Order in an endless marathon that lasted all semester. And then...silence. It was just me and the space babies. Nothing hurt anymore. There was no pain, no love, no sorrow. Within my mind, I looked around. What was this transcendence? Had I found inner peace through an atrocious game? It was around this time that I collected my millionth coin.

Ding. Achievement unlocked. It was done, and I felt a calm wave of relief. The nightmare was over, and I wondered if I wasn't a better person for it. Before I turned it off for what was sure to be the last time, I decided to take one last look in the store. All this money, I might as well spend it on the rest of the cars and colors.

Reality came crashing back as I realized that, including the things I had already purchased, the total amount of coins you need to buy everything in the shop is only about 150,000. What. The. Hell. Why the fuck would anyone need to collect one million coins? There's no point to it at all! It's just the developer getting full of themselves! I realized that somewhere out there, the person who designed these achievements was probably laughing at me and all my wasted time.

I hate you, Backbone. If there is a God, none of you will ever make a game again. I hate you, Toyota. All this game made me want to do is blow up any Yaris I see with death charges from a rocket-propelled hoverboard dog. I hate you, God. You should have struck me dead. I hate you, Me. You actually thought there was something worthwhile to say about this game. And in a way, I hate you, Reader. You actually took the time to read this over 2,300-word article, longer than most of my college papers. Did you think there was going to be some big pay-off? Well, the joke's on all of us.

tl;dr - This shit sucks. Don't play it.

Necros is an extremely bitter man who has time to write unnecessarily long articles about reprehensible games now that classes are over at Syracuse University. He's usually on Failcast when he's not coming up with ways to waste your time.
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About Bob Muirone of us since 2:15 AM on 01.08.2007

Bob has been hanging around ModernMethod for years and and somehow writes almost everywhere, including Japanator and Flixist. He was once lit on fire, but it's not as cool as you'd think.

I remember being in here a lot:


R.I.P. Failcast

Rantoid - An editorial column that updates on Sunday
The Zen of Yaris
Conditions of a Review
Longevity - seven years, to be exact
Stop talking about HD-DVD
What is wrong with Japanese developers?
Are achievements beneficial?
PConsoles
Random topic for New Year's
Gaming changed my Christmas
Dreamcast 2 would fail
Buy more special editions
Game Length and You
Reexamining Twilight Princess
Thank you, Mr. Thompson, for being our nemesis
Do games need to be respectable?
Startgame Syndrome's dark secrets
Pre-hype is a big let-down
Why can't games have bad endings?
Why would you want a Resident Evil film to begin with?

Illustrated Review - A picture-focused analysis of gaming stuff, to save you the trouble of trying it
Fallout 3 Survival Edition (and Collector's Edition)
Fable II Limited Collector's Edition
Dead Space Ultra Limited Edition
SoulCalibur IV Premium Edition
Grand Theft Auto IV: Special Edition
Devil May Cry 4: Collector's Edition
Assassin's Creed and Mass Effect: Limited Editions
Check Mii Out Channel

Systems Owned: 3DS, Dreamcast, DS, DS Lite, DSi XL, GCN, GBA, GBA SP, GB Micro, GBC, N64, PS2, PS3, PSP, Wii, Xbox, Xbox 360

Email/Gtalk: necrosterminus [at] gmail.com
IM: NecrosTerminus
Skype: NecrosTerminus
PSN: NecrosTerminus
Steam: NecrosTerminus
Xbox Live: NecrosTerminus
360's Blog: 360Voice
Mii code:8627-3860-8282-3732


 

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