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Why Tails is blatantly better than Sonic


Miles “Tails” Prower is a character who's taken a considerable amount of flak since his conception. Charitably, people describe him as an annoying whiny bitch, and uncharitably, some people would describe him as someone who should die of a very painful and long illness. I know some Brits would probably have voted against the fox-hunting ban just to be able to unload a shotgun into his face, and pin his two tails on their wall as a sign of “saving videogames”. He gets in the way, he always gets kidnapped, he's Sonic's bitch, he never contributes – all accusations leveled at the yellow fox. Its safe to say, most people would choose Sonic over Tails every single time.

As such, most people are stupid idiotic morons.

Tails is superior to Sonic in near every respect and its surprising that the general populace are so blind and ignorant not to notice, let alone that they are moronic enough to make claims that he is infinitely worse. Follow me, kids, as I explain to your puny, mushy brains why Tails should be the subject of many fangirl's inappropriate crushes, rather than Sonic.

He's loyal

I remember a time where loyalty was rewarded with feasts and wine and prostitutes and special commendations from King Henry VII, but apparently Tails' loyalty to Sonic is not worthy of praise, but more worthy of comments of how he'd rather be inside Sonic rather than just running behind him. My point: what's wrong with a bit of bro-mance*? Regardless, no matter which path Sonic takes, whether it gets Tails gets crushed, drowned, spiked, burned, Tails will always follow behind, many times shaking off death itself just to stay with his friend. And is Sonic loyal to Tails? Fuck no. Sure, maybe he needs Tails' help to get to a higher place he can't reach, but after he's there he shoots off in a blue blur with neither a farewell nor tip of the hat, and certainly no gratitude whatsoever. Will Sonic ever save Tails when he hits a spot of bother? Probably, but he certainly wouldn't be happy about it, unlike Tails, who's always willing to lend a hand to his ungrateful hedgehog cohort.

*This statement is probably easier to agree with if you ignore the fact that both Sonic and Tails are both non-human, both different species, and both under the age of consent.

He's a brainbox

Tails is described as a mechanical prodigy who rivals Dr. Robotnik, and that certainly proves useful in the world of Sonic. He knows the logistics of Eggman's robots, he knows the working of engines and computers, hell, he built a bloody shape-shifting plane! Things like this might actually be able to combat a more violent foe – hey, if you were being oppressed by an army of robots, what would you choose, a shape-shifting fighter plane or the ability to run fast? Exactly. And its not like Sonic could come up with any clever plans or create robots, all he knows is “run fast, get rings, PROFIT” and half the time Tails has to pop down with his plane when Sonic “genius” plan ends up failing. Its a testament to real life, probably, the smart ones do the brunt of the work while the famous ones take the credit.

He can fly

When it truly comes down to it, flying is a far better skill than speed. Sure, with speed you can get places quick, but your run will come crashing to a halt if there's a tree 5 miles in front of you that you didn't consider, and then BOOM, good luck picking up those 150 rings you just dropped. Flying, on the other hand, is a much more enjoyable pasttime. You get to see the lovely environment, you get to see the lay of the land, or the position of your enemies, and obstacles are reduced to a minimum. And I can imagine the whole experience would be bloody relaxing. Sonic's run would stop the minute he reaches a coast or sizeable lake, whereas Tails could just hover over without a problem (although he'd probably need his plane for the sea.) And even if he didn't fancy flying, large bodies of water would hold no problem because...

He can swim

Tails can swim, Sonic can't. And that's useful considering how much water you encounter in the Sonic games. So, Sonic, you at the bottom of a well? That's a shame. You'll just have to chill down here for a bit, oh and did that last bubble of yours resemble the number five? That other one looks like a four as well, this is SURREAL. Oh no. Your dead. Conversely, Tails is not a retard and could simply swim out of the well like a normal anthropomorphic woodland animal would, leaving leaving Sonic's water bloated bluer-than-normal corpse behind. Of course, he would never do that. He's too loyal.

By the way, I'm omitting the fact that, in addition to the ability to fly and swim, Tails could also run just as fast as Sonic in earlier Sonic titles. Just giving Sonic fans a fighting chance to argue back.

Foxes are better than Hedgehogs

Have you ever heard the expression “as cunning as a fox”? Well there you go. You will also notice how you probably can't think of an expression of the form “as [adjective here] as a hedgehog”. And even if you could, it would be a crappy adjective. Foxes stealth around at night and kill chickens in near total secrecy, whereas hedgehogs walk onto motorway roads and get turned into a spiky red stain on the tarmac. Who would you rather be? Presumably, the non-dead animal would cater to your interests more. Plus, at least foxes can kill things. Hedgehogs get scared, they roll into the fetal position, and do nothing for 5 hours. Very cool.

I'm very aware that these characteristics are not indicitive of neither Sonic nor Tails' character, but it stands to reason that Tails > Sonic, since Fox > Hedgehog. Don't argue with the irrefutable logic.

Tails triumphed through adversity

It saddens me to say that Tails was bullied as a child, bullied for his freakish twin tails. But now he's got more friends than you could shake a stick at and is proving to be quite the successful little mammal. He didn't let the bullying get him down, is my point. Sonic didn't have to deal with all that shit, his blue fur and freaky trainers apparently met critical acclaim with his other animal friends. So its no surprise that Sonic is the hero of the land, but Tails reached second place in the hierachy even with a huge opening disadvantage. And it's always better to work for something than to have it placed in your lap, right?


I mean, come on. LOOK AT HIM. He's adorable, and, as much as I hate the use of the word, he's as close to kawaii as you can get. And you try crushing Sonic's head to get to the candy. You'd do yourself an injury on his stupid spikes, and even if you got to crush his head you wouldn't find candy. You'd probably fine heroin or something, which, admittedly, some might find better than candy. But heroin isn't cute. Candy is. Again, undebatable logic.

Sonic would probably be a wanker in real life

Suspend your disbelief for a second and assume that you and Sonic we're friends and went out to a club. You know what he'd do? He'd go to where three dressed-up sluts we're dancing and try to shag each one of them, leaving you at the bar looking awkward, slowly sipping your drink of choice. I'm not saying that the act of sexual intercourse with females isn't cool, but the act of screwing your mates over to do so is uncool in every respect. Now, go to a club with Tails, and he'd probably be considerate enough to introduce you to the girls he's been chatting too. And you'd feel wanted and part of the social group. Epic win, and maybe sex will be on the cards for you, good sir.

Well, I kinda digressed with that point a bit, but the main thing is Tails is just...nicer. He's considerate, kind-hearted, and he'll never let you down. Sonic, on the other hand, would screw you over at a moment's notice, probably even less than that if there's any chance to woo the hot chicas.

Yellow is better than Blue

Blue is associated with rain, cold temperatures, and sadness, whereas yellow is associated with the sun, warmth (but not uncomfortably warm) and custard, which is awesome. Again, not indicitive of Sonic's or Tails' characters, but Yellow > Blue implies Tails > Sonic. For the third and final time, don't even try to argue with my airtight logicality.

Tails would probably be a video gamer

Tails was bullied for his twin tails, he can't fly for too long, meaning he's not very fit, and he enjoys working with computers and machines. So, bullied as a youngster, unfit and unactive, can work with machines? Sounds like video gamer material to me. Ok, I'm stereotyping there, but stereotypes are stereotypes for a reason – because they generally fit the description. But he can also fly a plane too, so he'd be good with his hands. And he's smart, so he could blast through Portal and Braid in a second. Would Sonic play video games? Maybe, but he'd probably exclusively play games like Call of Duty 4 and be the person you immediately mute the minute the game starts. Plus, his speedy nature means he'd fuck up Left 4 Dead by going too fast and getting pounced in seconds.

Again, I'm digressing, but come on, Tails is closer to a video gamer than Sonic. And surely, since I imagine only video gamers will be reading this article, you can all respect that. And hell, even if he wasn't, if your gaming PC broke down he'd probably be able to fix it.

So there you go, 10 solid reasons why Tails kicks Sonic's arse to Death Egg and back. There's no need to thank me for freeing your from your bleak ignorance that your were surrounded in, just the fact that your mind is healed is enough payment for me. So go now, continue with your lives, safe in the knowledge of Tails' superiority, and the fact that he's probably more likely to save the world than Sonic, if he was give half a chance.

Milo Pilkington still checks his local GameStation often to see if Sonic Team have made Tails Adventure yet. He has also learned that searching for "Tails" on Google Images with safesearch off is generally a bad plan.
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About Boatzone of us since 2:39 PM on 04.07.2009

Good hello.

I'm Milo, and I'm here to rant at your faces about video games. These days though, things like Maths studenthood and snorting cocaine from whores are keeping me from having ANY console at all. One low end lappy that barely plays TF2. Sadness occurs.

But meh, I can still whine a good one.


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