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Why Monster Rancher is Objectively Better Than Pokemon


Okay, so the new Pokemon came out this year and everyone freaked out as expected. Well  guess what, guys? I'm here to jump through the window, take a huge shit in the punch bowl and fuck the cake!

I'm gonna come right out and say it. Monster Rancher is better than Pokemon. Monster Rancher 1 and 2 for the original PlayStation to be exact.

"But Benny," you may be shouting right now at your screen like a lunatic in the middle of a pile of Pikachu and Jigglypuff plush dolls, "Why do you say that? Monster Rancher doesn't even have tiny balls that you can cram your kidnapped monsters into!"

True, it doesn't have that, but it does have these things:

1. Disc Stones

The most ingenious feature of the early Monster Rancher games was the ability to generate monsters by inserting random CDs into the PlayStation. It worked by reading certain lines of code on the discs to choose the monster.

Here's an actual list of music CDs and the monsters they generate:

Blind Melon: Fencer (Jelly Golem)

Christmas with the Chipmunks: Fucking Santa

Nine Inch Nails - The Downward Spiral: Gara

Nirvana - Bleach: Obor

Hansen - Middle of Nowhere: Whatever this is

Pink Floyd - The Wall (Disc 1): Toto

Britney Spears - Baby One More Time: Pull Worm

Spice Girls - Spice: Cutey

The Space Jam Soundtrack: Omen

Labyrinth Soundtrack: Pink Eye

And so on (sources here and here).

There was a rumor that Beck's "Mellow Gold" could unlock the ultimate monster named Moo, but I don't think this has ever been confirmed. And I'm sure as hell not going to buy a Beck album to find out.

The power...

2. Gaboo

Look at this motherfucker! Just look at him!

You thought Geodude was cool? Geodude is a little bitch compared to Gaboo. Gaboo is buff AND malleable! Geodude might as well be a dried up turd compared to him.

Gaboo has a huge dick too. I've never seen it, but I'm sure it's there.

3. Polygonal Graphics!

That's right! Pokemon finally got polygons... in the year 2013! Monster Rancher had had polygons since 1997! That's 16 years earlier!

Better late than never though, right guys?

4. Cup Jelly

You can feed your monsters CUPS OF JELLY! Fun AND delicious!

And that's not even the best part! If you buy enough cups of jelly you can unlock:

5. Ducken

Do I even need to say more?

Final Note:

From this evidence I've gathered, it's abundantly clear that Monster Rancher 1 and 2 are better than all the Pokemans. However, if you need more evidence, check the games out for yourself. They're pretty expensive if you can find a copy, but hopefully we'll get them in downloadable form eventually.

Thanks for reading!
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About Benny Discoone of us since 9:53 AM on 03.24.2013

My name is Benny. I work full time in a freak show eating live chickens, and I work part time as Brendan Fraser's scrotum cleanser.

I play video games sometimes, but most of the time I'm too poor and don't have enough free time. I still like talking about them though.