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Review: The PS4


So everyone is raving about Polygon's PS4 review and how beautiful it is. I saw it, however, and though "Big whoop! I can do that better AND make it more beautiful!" The only problem is that I haven't actually played a PlayStation 4 or touched one or seen one in person or stood in a room adjacent to one containing one. So, needless to say, a review is going to be hard, but I'll do it anyway!

I've reviewed ALL OF THE MADDENS, remember? I can certainly pull this off.

The Body:

The PS4 console is uglier than the Arby's I threw up last time I had the flu. It looks like 2 black plastic wedges glued together. And also, what's with black? If their design division run by Jay Z or something? There are other colors, you guys.

For Comparison:

Look at the Super Nintendo. Sure, it had mostly a dull grey color, but then BAM! Light purple accents in your face! Awesome!

The Controller:

Oh boy, more black... and it looks just like the PS3 controller but with a dinky little light on the top. Is that because PS3 owners are afraid of the dark? LOL (translation: It's humorous because I just made a sweeping generalization about people who purchased a certain gaming console, as if you need a certain personality type to be interested in the product, as opposed to just attracted to it's features and games).

For Comparison:

The Dreamcast's controller was way better. It had a unique shape that said "Look at me, I'm a fucking Dreamcast controller!" Who cares if it wasn't as comfortable! It had SWAG!

Also, a touch pad in the center? That's cute! Dreamcast had Visual Memory units, which had display screens on them and sometime mini-games! Beat THAT!

Robocop admires a piece of fried chicken.

The Games:

Do I really have to go into detail? PS4 HAS NO GAMES! Maybe Killzone is half-way decent. Knack? LOL! Resogun? It's not even AAA! Call of Duty: Ghosts? Already on PS3 and 360! NOTHING!

In Comparison:

The Dreamcast already has an amazing library. It's got Samba de Amigo. It's got Sonic Adventure. It's got Shenmue. It's got Ring: Terror's Realm. It's got Uncle Jerry's Pudding Stand. It's got Super Fuckman Adventures. It's got Attack of the Rasinheads. It's got Deep Space Cakefarts. It's got Shit House 5. It's got Resident Evil: Code Veronica. It's got Spunky Dunk in Crunkworld. It's got Tits. It's got Croc Goes Crazy and Bites an Old Lady's Head Off. It's got Carrier...

It has all of these and more! Way better than the Playstation's poor excuse for a library.

The Graphix:

It someone walked up to your TV, spread out their buttcheeks, and sprayed projectile diarrhea all over it, it would still look better than this pitiful attempt at "next gen."

In comparison:

The Virtual Boy's graphics were slick, red, and in 3D!!! Sure, some people threw up everywhere after looking at them too long, but that's because their bodies couldn't handle the true beauty!

Multimedia Features:

Who cares?! I haven't been paying attention to this shit. If I wanted to watch a movie, I'd curl my mustache and go to ye olde nickelodeon to have a bully time.

And TV? Do people still watch that? FRIENDS IS OVER, PEOPLE! THERE'S NO REASON TO!

For Comparison:

The NES. It had NONE!

In Conclusion:

The PS4 is a terrible excuse for a gaming system! Just get a 3DO instead and play Space Pirates.

There, I showed you, POLYGON! Eat it!

Thanks for reading!
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About Benny Discoone of us since 9:53 AM on 03.24.2013

My name is Benny. I work full time in a freak show eating live chickens, and I work part time as Brendan Fraser's scrotum cleanser.

I play video games sometimes, but most of the time I'm too poor and don't have enough free time. I still like talking about them though.