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An Open Letter to Destructoid's Chris Carter


Dear Chris Carter aka 'Lil Pumpy aka Pumperoony,

Today I logged on to Destructoid in high anticipation of your review of The Legend of Zelda: A Link Between Worlds. I was filled with joy, only to click the article and find the joy turn into ash in my mouth.

There it was, plain as day: a 6.5 out of 10.

I couldn't believe it! Impossible! This had to be some sort of clickbait. A way to troll us devoted fans and stir up some attention for yourself!

Well, you've done it. You've won. And, as a result, I have lost all ability to enjoy the game for myself. Whenever I even see anything related to the game, I get dizzy, my stomach turns and I get burning diarrhea. It's like the effect from A Clockwork Orange, but like 1000 times worse.

"In the aaaaaarms ooooof the angeeeeels!" 

And this hasn't only affected me, it's hurt the franchise itself! What if someone who has, for some reason, never heard of the Legend of Zelda franchise sees this and thinks "This franchise is worse than Josef Mengele!" Also, what if a Legend of Zelda fan sees it and thinks twice about immediately buying the game?!

A scrappy young franchise like The Legend of Zelda simply can't survive in these conditions.

You should be ashamed, Mr. Carter, for not effectively doing your job as part of the advertising force behind this game. That's how reviews work, right?

I'll admit, I only skimmed the first paragraph, but your review has left my soul irreparably damaged. I only hope this has quenched your sadistic tendencies and that you don't do any more harm to the game industry.

you must be stopped!


Bono Vox, out a th-
I mean Benny Disco
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About Benny Discoone of us since 9:53 AM on 03.24.2013

My name is Benny. I work full time in a freak show eating live chickens, and I work part time as Brendan Fraser's scrotum cleanser.

I play video games sometimes, but most of the time I'm too poor and don't have enough free time. I still like talking about them though.