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LONG BLOG

5 Better Franchises Telltale Should Tell Tales of

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In my last blog post, I described 5 franchises that would be a better fit for Telltale Games than "Game of Thrones." Now I have 5 more that are even better than those.

This is not up for debate. These are objectively better ideas that Telltale should start working on right now, or face certain doom like the crippled and broken Nintendo (mountains of money aside).

Start taking notes now, Telltale.

1. Daddy Day Care





The Daddy Day Care franchise consists of two movies, both with the basic concepts  "Children are cruel and terrible" and "Men taking care of children?! Whaaaat?!?!"

The first one starred the talented Eddie Murphy, who has only gotten funnier with age, while the sequel, Daddy Day Camp, put the even more talented Cuba Gooding Jr in the leading role (you may recognize him from other great movies such as "Boat Trip," which shows us that gay men are strange and scary).



Considering Telltale has already tackled the horror genre, I believe they will be able to accurately portray the horrors of looking after children and the physical and psychological damage it can cause. Their expressive character models would also be perfect for translating Cuba's expert comedic timing.


2. Ride to Hell: Retribution



For most gamers, when they think of quality storytelling, they think immediately of Ride to Hell: Retribution, a game that's as gritty and red-blooded American as they come.

Here's the plot synopsis from Steam:

"It's time for revenge! Jake Conway has just returned home from Vietnam when his younger brother is brutally murdered by a rival biker gang called “The Devil’s Hand”. Set in the outlaw era of America's Sixties, Jake takes on anyone or anything standing in the way of his bloody revenge fest - on bike, on foot and on fire. Join the Retribution!"



It's a bloody revenge fest with bikes and fire! See, quality storytelling! The Steam page also says this:

"Rock and roll experience - Explore the roaring sixties, a time of anarchy and free love as a man with no rules."

It's in the 60s, people, a time when men were men and snorted cocaine off of each others dicks! That makes this game unique and also therefore good as well!

Just in case you're not sold on the idea yet, check out this trailer:



A Helter Skelter world! What more could you ask for?!


3.The Whitneyverse (Whitney and 2 Broke Girls)



Whitney Cummings is a comedy genius who brought up 2 amazing situation comedies: "2 Broke Girls" and "Whitney."

Whitney is an edgy and hilarious sitcom that tackles edgy topics like "relationships are terrible and awkward" and "men and women are totally different." And it's funny because it's true! Women are emotional and neurotic and men are all like her shitty boyfriend!

Here's the trailer for the show so you can see the hilarity yourself:



It's a good thing there's a laugh track there in case you forget to laugh at the hilarious jokes! Sadly Whitney was cancelled earlier this year.

Luckily the world still has "2 Broke Girls," so we won't be deprived of Whitney's brilliant comedy stylings!



As you can see, 2 Broke Girls is incredibly inventive and original, taking on the underutilized "workplace comedy" genre AND using characters that are complete racial stereotypes!

Hahaha! Asian people, right? This is the funniest thing I've seen since that movie Funny Games!

Anyway, Telltale should hire Whitney Cummings right now to bring us some REAL comedy, not that weird Stan and Matt stuff. Talking animals?! What is this, preschool?!


4. Len



Len is that band that came out with that song in the 90s called "Steal my Sunshine" (and also a bunch of other hits that I'm probably just forgetting).



I don't really know what the song is about, but I can totally see Telltale making a game where you're frying on the bench slide in the park across the street L-A-T-E-R that week and your sticky paws are into making straws for big fat slurpy treats.

If Telltale doesn't make this, I fear we'll miss a million miles of fun.


5. Steak N Shake's Frisco Melt



The Steak and Shake Frisco Melt is a tasty sandwich that combines the toastiness, cheesiness, and butteriness of grilled cheese with amazing special sauce and ground beef patties. 



There are only two entries in the franchise right now (the Single Frisco Melt and the Double Frisco Melt), but I'm sure fans would love to see an expansion of the series, and Telltale Games is certainly the #1 crew for the job!

(Keep in mind that this is a 100% accurate analysis and that I definitely didn't just run out of ideas and use my dinner from last night as an entry.)


Final Note:

Honestly I forgot what I was going to right here because I was too busy thinking about sandwiches. Sorry.

Thanks for reading, everyone!
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About Benny Discoone of us since 9:53 AM on 03.24.2013

My name is Benny. I work full time in a freak show eating live chickens, and I work part time as Brendan Fraser's scrotum cleanser.

I play video games sometimes, but most of the time I'm too poor and don't have enough free time. I still like talking about them though.