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4 Types of Games That Everyone Forgot About


With games like The Walking Dead, The Wolf Among Us, and the Sam and Max series, Telltale games has simultaneously revived and reinvented the Adventure game genre, which is an amazing thing. For a long time, it was thought that adventure games were dead.

Some types of games, however, still lie forgotten in the dusty, sticky annals (or anals, if you will), of video game history, waiting to be rediscovered.

They share this in common with freakishly-long-faced "Friends" actor David Schwimmer.


After the popular sitcom ended, he hasn't done much besides a few movies here and there (like Madagascar 3: The Buttfuckening. I think that's right), but he's not a household name anymore.

For this reason, I am using Schwimmer points as a rating system. They will me given on a scale of 1 Schwimmer point to 3:

1 Schwimmer point is equal to David Schwimmer getting another successful sitcom. Not amazing, but it would be interesting, and good for David as well.

2 Schwimmer points is as awesome as David Schwimmer returning as a crazed cannibal hills-have-eyes mutant in a horror movie!

3 Schwimmer points mean the return of these games would be as amazing as David Schwimmer starring in a movie where he plays a time-traveler who goes to the past and fucks himself in the face.

Okay, now that the primer is done, let's get started!

1. Games Based on Movies Based on Games

The only one of these I could think of is Street Fighter: The Movie: The Game, and holy hell is that game smellier than a bag of unwashed bigfoot penis.

Just check it out for yourself:

See what I mean? It's like if the Mortal Kombat developers had their heads replaced with jelly-filled donuts.

How awesome would it be if these games came back?

I was originally going to go with 1 point, but I decided to give it 1 and a half based on sheer comedy value.

Could you imagine Resident Evil: Retribution: The Game? It would be like Blood-Rayne meets Ride to Hell, meets the Raspberry Awards. Gloriously bad!

2. Voice-Controlled Games

I could think of three of these: Seaman, Hey You, Pikachu, and a little-known PS2 game called Lifeline.

Seaman and Hey You, Pikachu got away with it because they didn't require timing or puzzle solving using the voice-recognition software. Seaman was about raising unholy Lovecraftian abominations and talking to them, while Hey You, Pikachu worked because Pokemon don't speak English.

Lifeline, however, tried to be an actual game controlled through voice recognition and failed miserably. Take a look: 

It doesn't seem fun at all, right? So I think it's obvious how I feel about voice control:

How Awesome would it be if these games came back?

Only 1 Schwimmer point. I almost gave it none, because it all seems so impractical to me, a lot more than even using Kinect to track body movements. However, I like the concept of Sea Man, and I think if a developer were to make a similar game today it would be quite good.

My point: Bring back creepy fish people!


Elsa posted this wonderful comment that made me think about these games very differently:

"I think that voice controlled games have great potential for the blind, vision impaired or those that can't use a standard controller due to handicaps or issues with manual manipulation.... and yes, I'm kinda thinking of myself as I age here. I do hope these games make a come back.... but focused more on expanding gaming to non-traditional potential consumers who currently can't enjoy the hobby... or those who lose the ability
My father in law just had a stroke... and I can easily see myself in his position... lying in bed with nothing to do and the inability to use his hands for fine motor functions. Personally I would LOVE to continue to be able to play games... of any sort!"

This post was so great that I decided to amend my earlier rating to 2 Schwimmer points:

Thanks, Elsa!

3. Games Based Vaguely on Slasher Movies

Remember that Friday the 13th game that was kind of based on the movies, but also had water zombies and birds that were pissed at you for no apparent reason (other than maybe a hunger for sweet human flesh)? A lot of people do.

There was also a game based off of Nightmare of Elm Street and one for Atari based off of Texas Chainsaw Massacre.

Apparently you play as a man with a shrunken apple head and a giant deformed cock

These games weren't the best, but they were suitable for their time. How would they fare in today's wacky world of video garmes?

How Awesome would it be if these games came back?

I hear a lot of people asking for more accurate adaptations of these films, but honestly, I wouldn't mind if developers took liberties like they did with the NES games. Like making you beat a giant beetle with a stick before you meet Jason because reasons (Lets do one for The Shining like this too. The Final boss will be Stanley Kubrick).

They might not turn out to be good, but at least people would be trying, and I would appreciate that.

4. Tomba!

The "Tomba" games are in a league of their own. Two high-quality 2.5D platformers for the PS1, directed by Tokuro Fujiwara, the creator of Ghosts 'n Goblins; the Tomba games were masterpieces that successfully mixed adventure with platforming. 

They followed an ape-like pink-haired wild-boy on his quest to stop evil pigs or some shit. I don't really remember, but they were gorgeous, creative and fun. 

Pictured above: Pig nose pumpkins on tentacles, maybe?

It's been 14 years since the second game was released. So one must ask the question...

How Awesome would it be if these games came back?

3. Fucking. Schwimmer. Heads. Motherfucker.

Tomba is seriously overdue for a sequel, and it's the kind of game that would be perfect on the 3DS or Vita. Just think about it... no, stop thinking about Matt LeBlanc and David Schwimmer banging... stop it!... Think about Tomba 3, God dammit!... Stop!

Final note:

Anyway, thanks for reading about my incredibly random video game thoughts. I hope you liked it!

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About Benny Discoone of us since 9:53 AM on 03.24.2013

My name is Benny. I work full time in a freak show eating live chickens, and I work part time as Brendan Fraser's scrotum cleanser.

I play video games sometimes, but most of the time I'm too poor and don't have enough free time. I still like talking about them though.