Rob Ford here, perhaps better known THESE days as “the man who has unspecified allegations against him which do not pertain to this particular piece of writing so why bother mentioning them.” In my youth, I wrote a good yarn or two which I still keep pinned up in the fridge of my house. One of them was a story about a bunch of bird who thought the sky was falling, and it was a satire on a previously written, perhaps more famous story with a similar theme.
Right now, I have to be honest with you, the future of my career is a little uncertain. I was sitting in front of my computer after a long day of dealing with the camera wielding SCUMBAGS out on my street, God bless them, they are just doing their jobs, when I decided it was time to try my hand at a bit of the ol' writing just in case things go south for yours truly, Rob Ford, the now, still, CURRENT, Mayor His HONOR of Toronto, HOW DARE anyone say otherwise?
GOT CRACK? NOT THIS MAYOR! NOT ANYMORE
I want to teach the children not to follow in my example. Yes, I made mistakes. Yes, I regret them. Yes, they have led to the fragmentation of my reputation, and to the possible end of my career. Does that make me a bad mayor? Well I can tell you this, I am as red blooded as any other Canadian out there, and I too put my pants on with a pair of twelve inch “reaching prongs”, just like you, in the AM of each day. But I have done some things that the Jews might say, aren't Kosher, a term I most frequently associate with their delicious bagels. (I'm told a little self-deprecation is a good way to grab your audience, hope I'm doin' it right here.)
Anyways, I want to talk directly to THE KIDS about issues, and one of the issues I have is with a little game called Grand Theft Auto V. Like Nintendo and Mario before it, Grand Theft Auto V is a “video game”, an “interactive” or “digital” “simulation” made for entertainment purposes. But unlike the cheery Pac-Man roaming through mazes and gobbling up tiny glowing balls (NOT unlike some of the reporters who have been following me around town these past few weeks LOL) it contains some “dubious” material.
Drugs, which I am totally against, cannot possible ever condone, and organized crime, which I am even less likely to condone and am even more against (or maybe the same, I just want to press here that I am TOTALLY AGAINST BOTH OF THEM, LIKE, MORE THAN A LOT) are the main objective, or “goal” of the game. You play as a gangster who wants to ruin the streets of Los Sandros, a sort of “virtual” Toronto, corrupting it with drugs, and criminal behaviour.
Let me tell you, I don't usually play video games. I'm a busy man. Wife, and kids, the wife with a HUGE sexual appetite. So when I ran into a virtual strip club in the game I DECLINED the amazingly GRAPHIC lap dance the game offered me; disgusting filth. You think I need that pussy? My wife has a cavernous cunt the size of goddamn Guantanamo Bay. Her labia is as red and swollen as fucking Kwirk from all the time I spend wrapping my meaty lips around it and sucking VISCIOUSLY in order to fulfill her wanton lust. My house is a stink fest of freely running vag juice, a biome of pulsating orgasmic rhythm, moans and sighs; hell, why the fuck would I need to go to a brothel these days? My wife pretty much has one writhing in her drawers. And I don't even have to tip.
THIS IS A MOUTH THAT'S READY...FOR MY WIFE THAT IS, SWEETHEART, NOT YOU!!!
The graphics are exceedingly real, but not nearly as real as a run in with Miami cops. I mean, 1999 was a different sort of culture altogether. It was almost cool to have a buzz on while you drove. Now? Shit man, I don't even know whats what anymore. The world has gone fucking crazy. I just hope it doesn't rub off on our good city of Toronto, and become a problem here...I'm being a little cheeky. I do understand that what I did wasn't right. But I never smoked any dope, and those pigs can never say otherwise. Bullshit.
There is an online multiplayer component to the game but I prefer to stay offline as much as possible right now. Partially because of Twitter, and partially because of TWATTER, if you know what I mean. It's a joke. I'm just trying to say I have so much slippery slit in my face on a daily basis that I don't have time for that internet bullshit. Seriously, grown men actually play these games when they could be out cramming some serious pudding with their smegma maker? Makes no sense. The youth these days. Things have gone all to shit.
In short, Call of Duty is a game that won't be for everyone, but it especially isn't for kids. If someone were to ask me, “Robby, baby, would you recommend Grand Theft Auto V to the children?” I would reply in like fashion:
But only in a drunken stupor, which you kids shouldn't be taking part in anyways.
Now, back to what I do best, in the hopes that everything goes smoothly for old Rob “pussycakes” Ford. Right now, things are a bit uncertain, but like a wise man once said; "they can take away my mayoral power as the Mayor of This Fair City Of TORONTO, But they can't Take away my Playstation." I still have my radio show The City, where me and my bro talk about street life, politics, and the installation of handicap ramps in government buildings, but who knows...maybe we will move into the podcasting biz if this game shit takes off for me?
HEY BRO HOPE U DONT MIND I USE OUR PICTURE
I can see it now. "The Fordz". Or "Soldierz of Fordune". Or "Ford Wickedly." Something like that. It will probably be popular; but not as popular as my wifes pussy is swollen and red from the ravenous scrape of my cat-like, sandpaper tongue.
Get it? Its dry. From all the pussy I've been eating.
LOOK WHO CAME: