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Alder B Dash
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LONG BLOG

Why critics are wrong about Aliens: Colonial Marines

   0


The console keeps the fun going... and going... and going.

If you were fortunate enough to buy a copy of Aliens: Colonial Marines for the Xbox 360 then you are one lucky son of a bitch.

“Only 5 hours of gameplay for $60? You can pry my money from my cold dead hands!”

While many have complained that the game is short theoretically you could play indefinitely! It’s been confirmed that the console will sometimes randomly erase your save data, because why be bothered to erase it yourself? Finally a game where you can start from the beginning after having already played it like it’s the first time, because to the game it will literally think it’s your first time.



So while you watch your friends playing a game that’s only as long as a handful of episodes of Homeland, not even a full season (HA!), they watch you replay from start to middle over and over again looking upon you in envy.


The final product looks way better than the demo.



We’ve all seen the demo. Who wants all that water dripping from broken pipes, damaged light fixtures with faulty wiring dangling from the ceiling like a cold, lonely testicle, and fog clouding your vision from all the wonder and glory that the game has to offer? Who wants to pay $60 to immerse themselves in features you can see every day at the apartment buildings in Transylvania right before your own maiming? The good news is none of that was in the final game, but apparently some internet do-gooders are taking it upon themselves to mod the game and put all that shit back in.



Great, why don't we all undo the restoration of that Elias Garcia Martinez painting of Jesus while we're at it?



There are no words. Just look at it.


Intelligent enemies are stupid.

Let me tell you a tale and stop me if this sounds familiar.



A person is playing a video game; let’s call him “Spunk Guzzler Jr.” (Because children make the best heroes and if you have a fantastic name like Spunk Guzzler you’re obviously going to keep it in the family), and in the game little Spunk has his weapon at the ready when suddenly an alien crashes down and drags away his companion. Spunk opens fire, but the crafty bastard scurries away making use of its surroundings and every shot misses because Jr. couldn't hit the broadside of a barn. Before Spunk can collect himself he now faces a hoard of vicious creatures making their way towards him, dodging fire left and right as they maneuver closer and closer until he’s forced to take the beast head on in melee barely surviving the encounter yet soiling himself in the process.



Fuck. That. I don't play for fun, I play to win. You think this is some kind of a game?! When I fire my gun I demand those evil bastards jump in front of my bullets as I ask them to look down the barrel of my gun. You want to play a game that makes you work for your money then move along and look elsewhere ya snob cause you won't find it here. A game couldn’t possibly be more winning than a game that didn’t just make the enemy stupid, it downright gave it a lobotomy!




Women, who needs `em?

Oh please, female characters? That doesn't sell games! Haven't you been listening to the market? Bayonetta, Lara Croft, Princess Peach, Zelda, all the games featuring these characters and others would have sold a lot more if the developers had just slapped on a 5 o'clock shadow, shoved a lit cigar in their mouth, injected them with steroids, and strapped on a giant floppy cock.



Sadly nobody knows who these characters are or what games they were in because they lacked a Y chromosome, science has proven this. It’s obviously why I couldn't even name a fifth woman. Hell, what was the name of that chick in all those Alien movies? Bradley Cooper?

When will you people learn that if you don't have a bunch of penises constantly slapping you in your face that you will never truely be entertained?



Randy Pitchford doesn't need to say anything because he did more than just give us this game. He gave us something we won’t stop talking about for a long... long time.
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About Alder B Dashone of us since 5:57 PM on 02.06.2013

First of all, I’m a guy.

I love video games, obviously. I also like long walks on the beach, stopping to smell the roses, and watching anything from deep and meaningful to childishly stupid and comical. And despite popular belief I expect dinner and a movie first before we start discussing what safety words I’ll need to use. I also enjoy a bit of manga and anime.

With a loving family, yet little parental supervision, I grew up watching tv shows and movies I most likely shouldn't have giving me a nearly unfiltered since of humor.

I don't facebook. I don't twitter. If there is some other face-twit thing out there and you are curious to know if I may be on that, the answer in no. I know, I know, you’re disappointed. I get that. It's just something that isn't going to change.
 



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